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contact violent ex

(18 Posts)
Sarahmac26 Thu 19-May-11 19:48:27

Hi
Long story (sorry) My daughter is nearly 2 years old my ex hasn't seen her since she was 3 weeks old (when he was sent to prison). I've received a C100 form in the post today for a hearing in June regarding contact. I have a restraining order against him for the next 2 years ordered by the court. What are his chances of getting contact. While I was pregnant he was in prison for harassing his ex and beating up her boyfriend. After I had the baby he was sent to prison for smashing up my house etc. When he was released he was charged with harassment and criminal damaged towards myself, property, car, parents. Breached his harassment order breached his bail conditions. He was given a restraining order, community service, alcohol treatment, probation, to pay compensation. He has never paid towards the baby, no xmas cards etc she hasn't a clue who he is as she hasn't seen him since she was 3 weeks old.

NosyRosie Thu 19-May-11 19:55:01

I have no legal knowledge at all but from what you say about him I would imagine you have a fairly strong case against it.

Presumably if your restraining order lasts another 2 years that covers your DD as well?

It might be worth posting this in 'Legal' as well - you might find someone who knows more about these things.

Good luck smile

Sarahmac26 Thu 19-May-11 19:56:48

Thankyou, no sadly restraining order only covers myself and street, I've posted in legal 2 Thankyou smile

GypsyMoth Thu 19-May-11 20:00:53

no point fighting it ,he will get contact unless like my own violent ex,he messes up big time in front of the court and gets zero access

its your dd's right to see her father as per the childrens act,the courts will seek to ensure she gets this

millie30 Thu 19-May-11 20:02:32

Hi there. I had a restraining order for a year after I left my ex but was still required to take my DS to supervised contact with him. Have you got a solicitor? It might be a good idea to contact Women's Aid to see if they can recommend anyone good.

Sarahmac26 Thu 19-May-11 20:12:03

Hi
No haven't got a solicitor. How long does the supervised contact last I've heard they don't like it to go on for to long

Newbabynewmum Thu 19-May-11 20:39:42

Contact centre's can last years and years if both parties are happy with the arrangement. If he fights it and wins (highly unlikely) then it could change in the future.

See a solicitor - they often do an introductory hour for free.

Sarahmac26 Thu 19-May-11 20:41:01

Cheers Newbabynewmum I thought they were only a temporary thing

Newbabynewmum Thu 19-May-11 20:49:13

I use a contact centre - let me know if u want to know anything x

PinkCarBlueCar Thu 19-May-11 22:25:57

There are many levels and types of contact, and to give you some re-assurance the courts aren't stupid and neither will they wish to immediately have you hand over your DD to this creature for access.

Most likely they'll be looking to set up some form of supervised contact either via Social Services or CAFCASS - ie he sees DD in a secure place whilst the whole thing is observed by a third party and notes are made.

Given the restraining order, the time in HMP and reasons for it, you have a very strong case for any contact being done through a third party - most likely SS - whilst he proves his commitment to the contact and proves he is not what they would consider a threat to DD.

Gather your information and evidence of what he's put you and his ex through, get in touch with Community Law Services if you cannot get a solicitor either paid or via legal aid.

Sarahmac26 Fri 20-May-11 09:44:38

Thankyou all very much for all your replys x

WaitingForChange Fri 20-May-11 09:59:29

I feel for you OP. It seems the law is on the side of your ex as they do encourage contact in almost all circumstances. My ex was also in prison and I had to face the possibility of having to take DD to see him through a contact centre, despite a well-documented history of violence. Personally I don't see that the so-called benefits of having contact with someone who happens to be her biological parent (but has never engaged in a parenting role) outweighs the very real risk of being emotionally damaged by such a manipulative and unpleasant person. I don't think it's fair to you or your child to go through all that. It seems to make things very difficult for you to move on, which I'm sure you want to do.

In our case, we ended up not having contact in the end due to other circumstances. But if my ex had pushed ahead with it, I was told that it would be granted.

Sarahmac26 Fri 20-May-11 10:22:52

Thanks WaitingForChange. I know the childrens acts states that a child has a right to see both parents but in our situations I don't see how it can possibly be in the childs best interest I feel the law favours the bio dad. What about mine and my daughters right to live a normal happy life without the threat of violence and harassment. I'm trying to move on but don't seem to be able to I'm never gunna get rid of him. He hasn't seen her for nearly 2 years, never paid for her now suddenly he shows an interest and the likelyhood is I'l have to take her to some centre for contact with an absolute stranger doesn't seem right.

PinkCarBlueCar Fri 20-May-11 18:58:47

OP - it is highly unlikely that the courts will order that direct contact happens straight away - they will bear in mind that there has been no contact whatsoever, and so they will want to see your ex build up that contact, like I said earlier.

In my own case, after the ex had been away for just over two months, SS facilitated supervised contact for four sessions. To me and you, then didn't go particularly well, but SS were satisfied for them to be unsupervised thereafter.

I suggest you offer him indirect contact - ie that he sends cards and short letters (which you will read to her - after you've checked them yourself, of course) and photos - and that you will "introduce" DD to him through them, with a view to him having speaker phone or web cam contact after a period of say four months.

That will give him an opportunity to screw up / not commit to what is in the best interests of DD / try to manipulate you (all of which can then be shown in court), and meanwhile you will be showing your self as pro-active and not blocking or hindering contact.

Sadly, you do have to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the likelyhood that he will get actual contact. You also have to prepare DD, and indirect contact will help do that.

Sarahmac26 Mon 23-May-11 10:20:03

Thanks PinkCarBlueCar some really good advice

Sarahmac26 Mon 23-May-11 11:55:17

It says on the c100 from the court that my ex has tried mediation which i refused to participate with, the reason I refused mediation is because of the domestic abuse and threats he has mad towards me and the fact I have a restraining order against him. Will it look bad for me in court that I havn't tried mediation??

PinkCarBlueCar Mon 23-May-11 18:40:14

Clearly he's going to try to make you look bad for not trying mediation, and he's stated a fact - you refused mediation. Don't panic.

The C100 is just the beginning - the very bare bones of what is wanted, why, and a few bits of background. The court will soon ask you for a statement of some kind.

At that point, if not at the hearing itself as well, you'll get more than enough opportunity to give your facts and show your side of the story.

Wrt the mediation, it could be something like "I refused mediation because of the history of his abuse towards me, as evidenced by [various events and dates, especially if they were reported to the Police] which culminated in a restraining order being granted on [date]." .

This is the start of what can be a very very long process. If you haven't already, I'd recommend getting some sort of de-stress and / or off-load mechanisms in place, such as exercise and counselling.

Sarahmac26 Mon 13-Jun-11 10:02:51

went to court the other day, he turned up tracksuit, cap trainers and no solicitor. judge had to ask him to remove his cap and he has no representation which i think is a good thing hopefully he'll give up. were back at the end of the month he has to write a statement explaining his previous behaviour and why he opposes the name change

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