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Coping with a sociopathic ex...

(40 Posts)
bwhiskey Sun 27-Feb-11 22:23:40

I was awarded sole residency of my now seven year old son after a very ugly battle where i faced all sorts of false allegations by a very, very angry and blinkered ex who had made his long term partner, prior to me, out to be mental and claimed she had tried to kill him... he has a long, long history of sociopathic behvaviour, not just against me but against anyone who crosses him (namely ex partners), but if you met him you'd never suspect given he is very smooth and highly intelligent. This combination has caused me continued grief just trying to raise my son in peace, which doesnt seem possible given he is a constant interference in everything i try to do - even little things like make a dentist appointment for him, dad has got to ambush it and be involved... he reinterprets court orders and tries to bully me, the list is endless... and its non stop.

So, even though i left him, I find that I am in no way free to live in peace, least until my son is 16. and its probably taken ten years off my life, the strain he has caused just dealing with him.

he has a very generous contact schedule. he always has done. i was never hostile to contact even though i knew what he was like. the courts awarded him half holidays in spite of my pleas that he was in fact an abusive sociopath (which went entirely ignored by the courts), who thought that as long as our son was not under physical threat he was fine with dad. they all treat me as though I've made it all up, and i tell you it makes you feel so very, very low and alone.

he also sees our son alternate weekends and one night during the week. and all of it, all of that time, he uses any chance to sideline me as my son's custodial parent. even his school treat me as a second class parent - i have missed out on information put in my sons' school bag because dad happens to collect him that day, and doesnt tell me, nor does the school, even though I've complained in the past... i was once chased on the school grounds at collection time by the receptionist who asked out of the blue did i still have 'parental responsibility' of my son, even though they had the residency order in their files... and latest news, they just made him parent governor, again, knowing some of the history. go figure.

just feeling really low because ive been through so much, and i still cant live in peace. ive tried hypnotherapy, exercise, loads of things, and i still feel so under his thumb. my partner of three years, and bless him, he is not a sociopath, doesnt understand why its so hard for me to just 'ignore' him. and to be honest im not sure either. i guess i worry that if im not on guard, he will pounce.

anyone experience similar, and how do you manage?

it has all seemed all about father's rights, and no one seems to consider my rights, or my son's best interest including the courts, who have let me and my son down in a big way apart from having the sense to award me residency. if i went into detail about all that my ex has done to me, all the strings he's pulled, etc, it would take up volumes.

he has used his parental 'rights' to cause all sorts of grief... and nobody cares.

finally, i note the story on here and in the papers about forced mediation before court. three years ago, i was made to go to mediation, not once, but twice, with my ex, even though i left him due to domestic abuse - so in practice that is NOT an exemption if you're on legal aid, you still have to go... and they are not without bias, either. the first mediator did not believe he was abusive x

lupinxlupin Sat 16-Nov-13 06:48:58

It's difficult enough for all concerned when separation and divorce occurs, not only for parents and their children but the wider community they live in.. family, friends, neighbours, school etc; When your ex partner is a sociopath problems are that much more amplified.
My ex partner has spreed lies about me and my son to everybody and anybody, he has used these people we cared about in order to continue to abuse me even his own son, he has even tried to turn my own family against me which at the time was distressing. The only way I felt I could protect myself was to have no contact with friends and neighbours he had hijacked, he's the human Dyson... he sucks people in. So not having contact with these people has saved me a lot of pain because, as soon as he released he could no longer use them to get to me he backed off.
Lies are the responsibility of the lair and, nobody else, this would be the advice I'd give to anybody in a similar situation. Eat well, sleep well and think well and furthermore keep your head held high. cos if your not on the floor they can't walk all over you.

LauWoo Sat 16-Nov-13 08:01:48

Oh how hard for you, my pro creation partner (cannot bring myself to call him father) of my child is a complete and utter sociopath, psychopathic narcissist. As others have already said, best way to deal with these dangerous people is to not deal with them but it isn't that easy for you.

I know that if my ex had any involvement with my child, it would be destructive both to her and me so I'm glad he hit the high road.

When you have any interaction with him do it matter of factly and unaffected. This will be hard but don't satisfy his ego by reacting, that's what he wants you to do and he wants to see that he has upset you. BIG hugs to you.

honey86 Sat 16-Nov-13 12:07:04

havent heard from him since that appt, not directly anyway. hes done plenty in his smear campaign against me though. you know, the usual facebook statuses callingme unstable, etc etc.
i gave birth 2 weeks ago and although he hasnt contacted me with any requests, he did inbox my mum freaking out about the surname i gave our baby son. (i double barrelled his surname with mine/my other dc's surname. hes accusing me of naming him after my other dc's late dad. i actually did it so he would grow up feeling like part of us). then went on to guilt trip her into 'talking me round'. my mums an utter doormat, and is a sucker for a sob story, and he took advantage of that. ive told her to butt out n let him work for contact. hes not contributed a thing to his son, the only time he was around he was nasty and controlling, and i gave him a chance to be involved when we split at 9 weeks- which he used to give me more abuse.
the rest of the pregnancy as far as i know hes been outon the lash, sleeping around and blowing his money on expensive stuff he dont need. ive not even recieved a simple 'sorry' for how hes behaved towards me and my poor kids.

it makes me feel sad as in the meantime, my baby misses out on a dad- just cos that dad cant behave rationally. sad

LauWoo Sat 16-Nov-13 15:55:04

I know it's tough but, in many ways, your little ones might be better off without his manipulating influence in their lives. He sounds like a complete narcissist. These people will exploit anyone they are able to to get their own way and make themselves feel better. It's pretty sick that there are people around like this, they can take others down wholly mentally, psychologically...everything. They feel no empathy or compassion. Life is about what they want. My ex has destroyed women's lives, completely take them down and shows absolutely no remorse. He is a high functioning psychopath but being exposed to that kind of person has made me very wary.

longtimeSurviver Sat 16-Nov-13 18:23:54

The worst thing is it looks like

The horror would never end
Being away just for short period

And stupidly admitted I am so happy to be away

I wish him all the best truly
hopefully he would found someone

He broke me down in so many ways
He still does trugh our DC

I am concern first time in my life with DC
How healthy for that small child is to have contact with

I am really worried about it right now
And the consequences in long time in child life

I was so naive to think he would make the best daddy in world

While everything was one fat lie

Remember even being pregnant
He must have such big fun telling me that our child
Will be brain damage so I would cry for days

I can just imagine what our old neighbours must think of me

And now cold calculated war
Just wondering when the police would stop even
Answering phone calls

Constant control trugh the child

longtimeSurviver Sat 16-Nov-13 18:29:57

How vicious he can get

Our child is so much happier after days of not being with him

So happy so intelligent made me absolutely cry last time while playing together
Saying stuff like for such small kid is
Incredible mature

Coming back so aggressive hitting me calling names
Trughing things in to me

longtimeSurviver Sat 16-Nov-13 18:36:21

The worst thing is

Nobody can stop ex and I do realise that
The horror would never finish

So ah well well
We should get use to it face the facts and just learn
How to live day by day

I can imagine he is seating there planning his next move
That is what sociopaths would do

longtimeSurviver Sat 16-Nov-13 18:45:07

Even though the knowledge that
you already did it
You broke me down

It is never enough

How you would call it

longtimeSurviver Sat 16-Nov-13 18:50:55

Eee no
Ex would never admit to it
It's just a laugh a bit of fun mind games

You the one unstable crazy one

How sick

Intelligent sociopath

mummypower123 Sat 16-Nov-13 20:55:30

Just reading this thread and what you all saying rings true in my life at the moment. LongtimeSurviver everything you have wrote reminds me of me. What can we do is there any real help out there, im going through court but they just dont seem interested father has lots of contact alot i was bullied into especially outside of court. I worry the effect its all going to have on my son his father lies and controls me and is doing it through court aswell

mummypower123 Sat 16-Nov-13 21:02:48

Im held by a court order which is inforced and i am still being abused at handovers, what would happen to me if i just cant do it anymore ive felt at breaking point alot and its ruining my life

Lionessnurturingcubs Sun 17-Nov-13 08:36:05

bwhisky google Gray Rock method - it IS the only way to deal with these types. If he is a governor, you have NO chance of getting HT on your side. He will be buttering her up and feeding her lies about you. And she will not want to upset him - he could be doing her performance review! Accept that, and move into damage limitation mode for you and your little ones. I personally would move --as far away as possible--and change schools. If not, then you have to be methodical with dealing with school. Ask for ALL correspondence to be emailed to you (due to work commitments/childminder etc) and NOT put in book bag. Our school does this anyway - they should have a school comms system. Find out from class teacher what days homework is set and manage it through teacher. You need to be methodical, have little or no contact with him whatsoever at handovers etc. and discuss nothing with him. It is very hard - the more distance you can put between you the better. Good luck.

fourbythree Sun 17-Nov-13 08:58:35

You are in a strong position - the court awarded you residency and they don't do that lightly. This means that despite him have PR you have more freedom to make choices etc about your child without him having input. Might be worth having a look at actually what difference it makes - I don't know much but one example is that you are free to take your child abroad for up to a month (I think) without his permission - whereas if you had joint residency or no residency order then you would need his written permission.
Agree with the not trying to play sides with school now he is a governor... Not worth the fight. Either put specific practical things in place to ensure you get all school communication or move. Need to be aware also - are you passing all school stuff into him the rest of the week? If not then he could feel that it is tit for tat.
You can be free of him but it is a long process - develop really clear boundaries both physically and emotionally. Check out the freedom programme which is excellent and also google as that will help you feel not so isolated and alone.
Hang in there xxx

STIDW Mon 18-Nov-13 21:46:48

bochead wrote;

google dr robert hare - he has some good suggestions.

The best thing he suggests is that the psychopathy checklist test can only be considered valid if administered by a suitably qualified and experienced clinician under controlled conditions. wink

Whatever the cause we all have to work with unreasonable people unless the behaviour is so unreasonable they are found to be seriously breaking the law. The only way to deal with someone who behaves unreasonably is to establish physical and psychological boundaries and look to your own behaviour e.g. don't react to the behaviour, if necessary give a considered response through a solicitor.

sarahnewton17 Wed 09-Jul-14 08:42:20

I split up with him nearly 3 months ago, i'm so depressed and low - don't know how to cope with it all.

Police have taken it to a MARAC meeting - but nothing been done yet. I'm about to give up, can't take anymore sad

There is a big waiting list for the therapy programme and since he fucked me over financially I can't pay for any help.

Just want him to get on with his own life with his gf, but he can't settle for that!

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