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New beginnings.....bit of a long one

(17 Posts)
peggywho Wed 05-Jan-11 05:44:56

Been separated for just over a year. Daughter has contact every other weekend and two nights in the week. Always thought there would be a change of us getting together again. Been thinking since Sept of moving back down south better job prospect, financially better and support of family. EX stopped paying his half mortgage and dropped child maintenance in August so been a struggle financially. Got back from Christmas with family 200 miles away to be told he has a new partner (of 2 weeks) and will be introducing her to our daughter in the next couple of weeks. He said he would have to let me go no chance of reconciliation. Told him I would be moving away, think he thought I was bluffing. He has said he is worried of the detrimental effects the move could have on our dd9. He has wanted to sell the matrimonial home for at least 10 months I have argued that dd needs continuity. I have explained that I want to keep the house going up here so that if she cannot settle we can come back. He disagrees he wants the money from the sale of the house. He now has completely back tracked and said that he wouldn't be introducing her for at least six months and that it came out all wrong, and he didn't know what to say? I have reassured him that I would never stop him from seeing his daughter. He said he needs to concentrate on the future now and move on.......Why wont he let me?confused

Niceguy2 Wed 05-Jan-11 09:05:47

Hi Peggy

To be blunt, you both sound as bad as each other. Your ex certainly should be paying you child maintenance (or perhaps the mortgage in lieu). On the other hand, what you are saying does sound a bit unfair too with regards to the move & the house.

Firstly, you argue that DD needs continuity but at the same time you say you want to move 200 miles away. How is that continuity?

Secondly you expect your ex to not sell the house in case you come back? Well that sounds unfair in so far as it's open ended. How long does he have to wait? 1 month? 6 months? A year? It might be better to say for example "Let's delay selling the house for 3 months until we're sure DD is settled" I've found its always better to have specific targets.

You also say you would never stop him from seeing his daughter but those words must sound hollow to him. Physically moving 200 miles away practically stops midweek contact. How can he maintain every other weekend & 2 nights in the week when a distance of 400 miles is involved? Where will he stay if he has to come to you? And your DD will have to endure 400 miles every other weekend of travelling if its the other way around. Trust me, four years ago, I moved 100 miles away and my kids have done the motorway run for the last 4 years. It's far from easy and although we're happy & settled, if I had to do it again, I would not. The impact on their relationship with their mum has also been great.

The whole introducing your DD to a new partner thing usually also boils down to one thing. Your own insecurities. I've yet to see a child totally confused as to who their parents are because they were introduced to a new GF/BF. Over the years my kids have seen a few people come & go on my side & my ex's. Yet they remain emotionally stable. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Sorry if you think I am being harsh. I do get it. Much of what you say resonates with me as I have been in similar situation. In times of uncertainty we want to go home. For you that is down south, near your family. But all that glitters is not gold. A while back I went through the same. I yearned to go home. I was even willing to put the kids through another upheaval.

Eventually I looked at things logically rather than emotionally and realised that once the dust had settled, I'd probably be financially worse off than I was now and our lifestyle worse.

My advice would be to think very carefully.

Oh and lastly just to add, with a contact pattern like your ex currently has, if he took the matter to court to stop you moving. With a good solicitor, he'd have a fair chance of a shared residence order

peggywho Wed 05-Jan-11 09:52:37

Thank niceguy,good to get the others point of view. My ex has wanted to sell the house since separating my argument was that she needed continuity while going through this.Obviously, the house will need to be sold eventually, and had thought that a year would be a good window. The job situation up here is dreadful, moving would give me the opportunity to support my daughter and myself financially better....as i mentioned he has stopped paying his half of the mortgage and has dropped child maintenance to a minimum so I am left struggling to make ends meet, the only person who has suffered is me due to the financial situation I wont let it effect my daughter so when there's little money for essentials i.e food I go without.
It is not a knee jerk decision but have been thinking about it since October. I have hardly any support network here and have been unhappy for some time. Essentially my daughters happiness has to come first, I thought by arranging things this way it would give us the opportunity to see if things improved. Thanks for your honesty ng!

Niceguy2 Wed 05-Jan-11 12:00:55

Ah ok, i think i misinterpreted what you meant by dropped. I thought you meant stopped, not reduced.

What does he currently pay? Is it around what the CSA would expect?

For a decision of this magnitude, I think you need to mull it over some more. October is basically just over 2 months. Not long at all.

We tend to view "home" with rose tinted spectacles. From an outsiders point of view, you are risking unsettling your DD from a school she's presumably happy at, giving up a job which are like hens teeth at the moment. To move down south where although jobs are more plentiful, so are people and therefore competition. Plus the impact on DD's relationship with her dad will forever be impacted.

I'm not saying don't do it. What I am saying is that its a BIG risk which needs to be carefully thought about. Like I said before, given the chance again, even though we are happy and financially secure(ish), I'm not sure I'd do it.

peggywho Wed 05-Jan-11 16:46:02

I'm an NQT and there are about 2 jobs at the moment which are about 1 1/2 travelling away. So I'm cleaning etc to bring some pennies in. Where I'm from there are around 20 jobs atm, which I could apply for.
How much does he pay well? he's self employed so I know he puts the bare minimum through his books, lots of his jobs are cash and this is 'lost' and cannot be proven. If I get a job and move both my daughter and myself will be better off financially than living hand to mouth as we are at the moment, I'm really struggling financially trying to keep us both.
I agree it needs time, and plan so that if dd is unhappy we could come back.

JustForThisOne Thu 06-Jan-11 16:35:42

From what you say it sounds to me that you cannot afford to keep the house just in case your dd is unhappy
Chances are that if you have a bit of finantial security (from the sale) you will be better off in the south, also allow yourself to find a decent job, both things will or should make you happy and as a result dd will be happier
How old is she?

peggywho Fri 07-Jan-11 13:03:57

She's 9. Had a meeting with ex yesterday and he will not consider delaying the sale of the house. If I move he wants to sell.....if I stay he still wants to sell because he says he cannot sustain paying all his own bills rent etc and maintenance for his daughter. In his words 'we have a lot of money tied up in the house if we sold it we would both be better off.' I know he can force a sale if I move out of the marital home. He could also get a residency order to stop me taking my dd with me.
Today I rang him to see if he was going to pay the maintenance due on the 1st Jan he said he would. I get the feeling if I dont sell the house he will stop paying maintenance for his daughter.
I'm becoming quite frightened that if I comply and we put the house on the market he will then get a residence order placed on our daughter. Its all a big bloody mess!

QueenofWhatever Sat 08-Jan-11 07:49:14

I have to say I have some sympathy with your ex, I'm a woman BTW. I left my ex 18 months ago due to domestic abuse. He still lives in the house which I own the majority of and pay part of the mortgage. The house has been on the market for a year now without a single offer because he refuses to reduce the price to a realistic leve nor to move out.

He does pay CSA minimum maninteance (he is also self-employed) but I pay my old mortgage, my new rent, all my bills and childcare. I am desperate to move on but he will not let go.

Do you think my ex is being fair in my situation? I think you need to sell the house, a happy home is what children need not the same physical building. I do think you are being unrealistic planning to move 200 miles away but not sell the house 'just in case'.

peggywho Sat 08-Jan-11 08:03:08

I dont think this is being unrealistic....more common sence. If dd doesnt settle then we have the chance to move back, by deferring a sale. I think it would then be better for all of us.
Ex said well if it didnt work out she was upset that she could go live with him, in a one bedroomed house and his new partner. I of course would have to find somewhere else.

Not sure about your situation, why cant you reduce the price? Sounds really complicated!

Niceguy2 Sat 08-Jan-11 08:47:09

But if you are in such financial dire straits as you say, how would you be able to afford two moves, the latter being to a house you are currently struggling in?

Would it not be more sensible to release the equity and IF you came back to get somewhere more affordable that's in your name only? If your daughter didnt settle it will be because she misses her family and friends, not a house.

QueenofWhatever Sat 08-Jan-11 09:03:18

peggy, the reason I described my situation is because my ex is adamant he is not being unreasonable. Do you not see any similarities between our situations?

My ex cannot/won't accept that I have left amd moved on. I am afraid you relationship is over and you need to let him have his own life, whilst still co-parenting.

No-one so far has supported your approach, yet you don't seem to be taking any of their suggestions on board. You sound very stuck.

peggywho Sat 08-Jan-11 09:12:25

The time scale is the issue, it would take time to rent a property as there are too few to rent. The opportunity to buy a house etc could also mean that a move back could be delayed for a year. Obviously I wouldn't want my daughter away from where she wants to be for so long. Thought it would be in my daughters best interests to postpone the sale.
Yes, she could live with my ex but he only has a small 1 bed house and a new partner, who i suspect will be moving in with him.
I dont think I could be separated from her it would be too painful.
Legally I really dont know where I stand, so perhaps a visit to the solicitor next week should clarify the situation.

peggywho Sat 08-Jan-11 09:31:23

I am stuck! Qwe Its an immense decision....one which I am struggling with. If i stay he wants to sell if i go he wants to sell. could stay here struggle to get a job, but not sure if its the place where i really want to be. He blows hot and cold...one day he needs to look forward to the future the next he's not sure if he's made the right decision.
1st night on sleeping tablets and slept 7 hours most sleep Ive had in 3 weeks, thought I'd wake up feeling like a new woman but still feel crap!

Niceguy2 Sat 08-Jan-11 18:22:58

Hi Peggy, yes it is an immense decision which is why you really need to take time to think it through.

Let me ask you this. If your ex told you tomorrow that he was going to move with your DD 200 miles away, what would you say? That is in effect what you are asking plus for him not to sell the house.....just in case you change your mind.

And in all this, what does your DD want to do? Have you talked to her about this? My DD was 9 when I told her. She cried for days. It broke my heart.

I think you need to think about it from your DD's perspective. Surely her happiness is paramount here?

Lastly like Queen has already said, please bear in mind that even a bunch of strangers who have only heard your side of the story are saying its not a good idea. You may want to take that into consideration.

houseproject Sat 08-Jan-11 19:08:03

Hi,
I think the rationale about not moving house is understandable but not sensible. I stayed in the family home with my dd but I was able to support it fully. Looking back I regret that decision - should have moved out - new bgeinning so you have one main decision to make - do you move 200 miles away? I think the best solution for your daughter is to remain close to her parents and for each of her parents to have a house that she can live/stay in. It could work really well if both parents have sufficient income to run each household. If your ex had to buy a new place without equity release he must have signifcant mortgage so he might not have lots of spare cash. Why not go through the figures and see what a house sale could enable both of you to achieve? You could ask for a specific amount of child maintenance and it could be organised via a private arrangement.
You may feel that it's best for you to move and that's a decision only you can make based on your circumstances but as others say a long distance parenting relationship sometimes can't work - it's just so very hard to keep up (we had a thread on here recently about it) and the dad loses all usual contact like schools mtgs, birthdays etc. At 9 your daughter is still very dependant on her parents but that changes when they get to secondary school. You will get so much more time back and unless there are very specific reasons for moving I would reflect on what you want in your current life to make you happy. If you could get to a better finanical position would you be happier?
Also consider mediation before a solicitor, it will be less expensive if you can jointly agree a solution that best for your daughter and each of you.

peggywho Sun 09-Jan-11 08:16:21

My ex moved back into his parents, then rented his own place in August.
Think I've resigned myself to the fact that we will have to sell offering us both a clean break.

He is unsure if he has made the right decision...with regards to his new partner. Guess we are both confused. I'm devastated sad

It all has happened so fast in so much as he said I'm seeing someone, (for two weeks) and am introducing them to our daughter, and we need to sell the house.

I went down south in October, and when I came back discussed the probability of better job opportunities then with him. I had wanted to rent out part of our house to ensure that the morgage was met. There has been no 'time' to think clearly as it has been so chaotic.
Of course have discussed the with my dd she wants to be with me, either way. Perhaps in a few weeks things will be much clearer.

ledkr Sun 09-Jan-11 08:35:10

try to separate the practical from the emotional.it is ahorrible feeling if the ex finds someone first and it does sound like he is rushing to include her in the dynamics.
I bought dh out of the marital home and he has continued to be with the very young girl he left me for,i have remained indifferent to her with occasional bouts of anger such as when he took her away for her 18th (yes 18th) b'day and got nothing for our ds 16th.
I always made it clear that dd wasnt to be around her (she was 8 months when we spiit)more due to her being a foul mouthed chav than anything but they recently had a baby so i then decided dd should meet her as she would need contact with the sibling.Its all going ok and dd seems unscathed.I think if you make the decision partly based on what is HONESTLY best for your dd you cant go far wrong.
Good luck.

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