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hiya, i havent been here for ages but just needed some support

(38 Posts)
piratecat Tue 04-Jan-11 18:32:48

I used to come on LP alot. I don't know if any of you are around that remember me.

I have had a disastrous year last yr with one thing and another.

I have just had a shitty new yr, and am feeling very lost and sad.

I am not here for a flaming, tho i know the gen consensus on mn for me getting involved with a married man will be to shoot me down.

Yet, in my defence i pushed him away for months, and still we fell in love, but now he's gone. I know i am amongst women here who have been shat on, i was one of them. I just know now, that life isn't bloody simple and hearts and flowers and marriage is forever. I know that believe me. I trusted someone again, and now he has let me down, i was alone for 6 yrs and thought i had sorted out good from bad, but hey i went down a shitty path.

I am just extremely annoyed with myself for thinking we were on the same page. Yet when it's come to it, he can't be with me.

This is ok, i want him to be happy, but he isn't. has banged on for months that it's only me he feels he can have a future with. i need to vent here becuase rightnow i am falling apart, and yes i do feel sad, and i also feel stupid.

scarlotti Tue 04-Jan-11 19:13:30

Hi piratecat, just wanted to say sorry you're feeling so rubbish.
You know that it was fire you were playing with, but that doesn't make it any less painful when you get the inevitable burning sad

Hang on in there and things will get better - the only way is up as Yazz used to sing!

piratecat Tue 04-Jan-11 20:34:15

thanks for your reply.

just feeling low, and stuff x

ChasingSquirrels Tue 04-Jan-11 20:37:15

Hi Piratecat,
Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better, to help you move on.
hugs

hatesponge Tue 04-Jan-11 20:53:52

Piratecat, I remember you from a few appearances on the Fit and Interesting thread (where I am usually to be found, still looking for a man in either category )

I've been where you are now a few years ago, and I know how it hurts. You are allowed to feel sad about how it's turned out, especially after being on your own for so long. I don't have much by way of advice, only to say don't be too hard on yourself. Could you look upon this new year as a new beginning - maybe plan something nice for yourself (even if it's just meeting friends for a hot chocolate or something - needn't cost the earth but just a little treat or two to make life a bit brighter).

am also sending you a very non mumsnet ((hug))

piratecat Tue 04-Jan-11 21:00:08

i did the big clean up of the house today, kept me busy. drove dd around dartmoor yesterday. just felt so alone. i took her forlunch at a pub which was full of couples and families. i really had to keep those tears in.

i know my situation was berk like. hard when someone is not letting you go and telling you you are the one. only for them to eventually say no, i can't leave because of my kids. which of course i understand. yet why did he carry on, saying he loved me, and couldn't imagine life without me. i was the sensible one and walked away so many times. we didn't even see each other for weeks and weeks at a time, but i wanted to believe it could have been true. he wanted me to believe. he told his wife start december. He broke down and went to the doctors, saw a counsellor and we stopped contact, i wanted him to think and accepted this needed to happen. then he brought me a xmas present, text me all xmas, but suddenly, no, it's over. Real life got to him i guess. his children are his first loves and concerns of course. i can never compete and neither did i want to. i guess he must have more love for his wife than he thought.
Yet he text me yesterday and said he couldn't bear to hurt me any more, that the bottom line is his children who he cant leave. He said 'you know that deep down this is not what i want, i want to be with you, but i am a coward'

which isn't how i would describe it, but there we go.
i am looking forward to dd going back to school tomorrow.

elastamum Tue 04-Jan-11 21:02:14

Hi Piratecat, You are right, you did go down a shitty path and I am sorry you got burnt. But, you can move on and we all learn from our mistakes. Tis a new year, so try to put it behind you, plan some good things to do that you like doing and whenever you find yourself thinking about him give yourself a good telling off and think about something good in your life instead. Thats what I do when I am beating myself up for being a fool smile

piratecat Tue 04-Jan-11 21:03:34

thanks squirrels and sponge. i know i 'know' you both from the threads.x

piratecat Tue 04-Jan-11 21:06:38

i ignored the fool bit over and over, because of what i was hearing from him. we both struggled to be apart.

i know that 'sometimes' people do get together in these circumstances. so i thought maybe, it will happen. He was still texting me one week ago but i had had enough.

scarlotti Tue 04-Jan-11 22:00:44

Hang on in there, you're doing great and day by day it will get easier

lowercase Tue 04-Jan-11 22:15:33

it reads like a text book affair pirate sad

good on you for walking away.

i dont know the half of it, but he has wronged you both.

be strong!

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 10:06:28

feel spectacularly low today, but dd at least is back at school and away from it.

I don't get the fact he said finishing is not what he wants deep down.

that deep down he wants me. but i guess his attachment to his wife and esp his family is more important. just not sure how his heart is satisfied.

scarlotti Wed 05-Jan-11 12:25:26

Keep yourself busy.

As to how he can be satisfied etc., don't beat yourself up trying to work it all out. Do you really want to be with someone who will cheat on his partner? Whether he's happy or not, the decent thing to do is end one situation before moving on to the next. You, and more importantly your DD, deserves someone who is decent. The pain will lessen with time

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 14:15:37

thnks scarlotti for posting again.

Cut and dried, no it's abysmal to cheat. I won't make excuses for that. Or for me. My mum cheated, but she was unhappy, so I saw it from an angle whereby if a person is unhappy, then it might, just might be what can happen. ie mym mum has been with the man she cheated with now for 25 yr. So my role model was her i guess, im my expereince iyswim.

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 14:17:24

yet my mum, who has been good to talk to btw, said had it come to it and she had to leave us, my and sibling, said no she doesn't think she would have done that. She never had to contemplate not living with us. it's all terribly confusing and just sad.

beingsetup Wed 05-Jan-11 14:21:11

Hi pirate sorry you are feeling sad. I wish I had some words of wisdom just stay strong and make peace with yourself and I hope you find some happiness this year...

maledetta Wed 05-Jan-11 14:36:18

It can be very very hard when a man offers you everything you have ever wanted and yearned for, and provides reasons for why it really can happen against the odds....Sometimes you just can't find the strength to turn him down, and let yourself believe him.

Selfish selfish selfish wanker.

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe Wed 05-Jan-11 16:18:18

Hi Pirate - sorry to see you back in such sad circumstances ...

Have been on both sides of this one ... and to be honest would echo what's been said here - whatever has happened between you, he's now made his choice, you need to stay strong and help him do the decent thing.

If he wants to be with you, get him to be a man and leave his wife and children first.

I hope you will be able to stay strong and move on and that this year brings you happier and less emotionally turbulent times.

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 16:19:44

thanks again for your kind words.

I won't beat myself up for getting involved, I KNOW the circumstances were wrong. I tried my hardest for months to push him away. yet as you just said beingsetup, he just kept saying he couldn't imagine his life wihtout me that he loved me, always would, was ont he verge of doing it, ie leaving.

I was always saying things like 'maybe you are having a crisis, perhaps you should work on things, take time out' support support all the time. Thats me though, i t was a very thin line between being me and being a fool. I could not see clearly, as i was having this person tell me time and time again, i can't do this, i can't let you go. I went on every forum, website i could find, just to read about anyone in this position.

My main gut feeling was to play i through to the end, becuase it never seemed to be right for us not to be in contact when it was not clearcut or resolved one way or another.

He should have made this decision months ago. Or i should have been stronger. He should have been stronger, but he wasn't. I felt as time went on, this must be that we will be together, because of the deep connection we have. I don't think i was being all silly and hearts and flowers, the bond grew so quickly and felt absolutely right. We were both bowled over. We just clicked, and thats why it went on and on. During the initial bit i only saw him twice in 3 months, and we kept away. These two meetings in a cafe were to discuss, and the first one we agreed it was best not to embark on anything as it wasn't right, fair etc... I said i didn't wish to be involved with a married man, and he said he loved his wife and had never contemplated meeting someone else and was totally shocked by what was happening to his feelings.

It took about a month until we met again, very briefly to say this isn't going away is it. He kissed me goodbye, and that was that the feelings were out properly.

i dont even know why i am writing this down. guess it helps to put it into an order.

From then on we'd keep passing each other, not sending a text for days then texting at the same time. In any other situation it would have been a very meant to be start to a relationship. I knew each time that hey this isn't a good start to anything, but fate kept pushing us together. I just thought, well what if, maybe this is meant to be. We did our own things, never met up for a date. went on our own holidays, i dealt with my life, dd's illness etc... He did his thing.
It took another 8-9 weeks till we saw each other again, mainly in tears to discuss it. Again, only a kiss. But by now there was alot of sexual attraction. Yet we never discussed it, as it seemed the last messy bit of this bond iyswim.

Fast forward another 2 months and we went on a shopping trip, and i knew by now it was probably going to happen, and we did have sex.
Two weeks later he confessed. that was december 1st. We immediately stopped contact, and then he turned up the week b4 xmas with a gift, and god i miss you's.

but now he has gone. and thats that. i know i sound all sad and self wotsit but thats how i feel right now.x

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 16:22:38

thanks x

LP is a blessing to post on, as it allows more shit to be discussed. I guess alot of us have been in very difficult emotional places.

He has made his choice, and is now back to where he started, just before he started chasing me. Maybe now he will be able to see what he could have lost with his homelife.

Monty27 Wed 05-Jan-11 19:13:42

Hi Pirate sorry you're going through this crap. He has been a bit of a git doing all the chasing and then dropping you like this. It must really hurt and I hope you can move on as soon as possible.

I don't know whether you would be prepared to be 'the other woman' but it looks like at the minute that's what it would be.

He should take your advice and take time out and sort his life out if its you he wants, before he approaches you again.

You have my sympathies anyway, when you fall for someone you do.

There's no point in you beating yourself up about it either, I think this man actually did mislead you.

Big hug.

claireybear82 Wed 05-Jan-11 19:18:20

ive been here and its horrible. you need to work on self respect for yourself which is why i will never ever get into this situation again. forget all the fate crap for a start - if it was "meant to be" then he will leave his wife and you will live happily ever after. otherwise its not meant to be. i get the feeling you are lonely and stuff. you will meet someone right for you one day but its not this person. not unless he sorts himself out before. PLEASE please do not go back. you will end up in a great big mess trust me. being the other woman is absolutely horrible and makes ur self esteeem even lower then its a vicious circle to get out of things. be strong.

hatesponge Wed 05-Jan-11 20:26:16

Pirate am sorry you're still feeling low. To be honest it will take a while. I think in instances like this, where you have let your guard down and really started to think something might come of it, it is really v hard to then realise that isnt the case.

I know that when I stepped away from the situation I was in, having realised it wasn't going to work out, certainly not in the short term, the sadness I felt was physically painful. We'd planned future Christmases and birthdays together, and I honestly believed it would all happen. Coming to terms with the fact he was at best a dreamer, and at worst a total twat, was tough, and took a long time. You can't switch emotions off, even though you know you shouldn't be feeling them.

I hope that 2011 brings you a man worthy of you.

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 20:31:11

i promise i won't go back.

it really is over, and he has said so. if he contacts me, i will ignore. i know that this whole thing has made us both ill, i have been stronger though, and more practical.

He's deffo had a total breakdown, thru his guilt, and been diagnosed with depression before he met me, or chased me. I have known him 2 yrs before this.

I think, that this IS for the best right now, and it IS best for him to stick to it. He never has before. I have hurt so bad this time i won't go there again with him.

IF, and i really am not hoping, he come back to me in x amount of months, and i still feel i love him, then we will see. But only if he leaves and makes the break.

thankyou again.

piratecat Wed 05-Jan-11 20:34:59

it was a bolt from the blue, 20 odd yrs for him and 15 for me since meeting someone. so bound to be 'different' or 'exciting'.

I was lonely before yes, but not seeringly so. In fact ionly became aware of my loneliness when we started to rely on contact.

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