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(11 Posts)
fairygirl3 Tue 28-Dec-10 18:07:14

my husband has walked out today,not the 1st time but definatly the last,i would like some general advice about what to do next/what my rights are.
We have 2 dc together and i have 2 from a previous relationship,The house i brought 3 years ago at the time it all had to be done in my name due to him having bad credit,it was my previous council house which i had lived in before meeting him so we got a large discount plus a large deposit was put down by my auntie.Would he now be entitled to half of the house or just half the payments made or half of the profit after my discount and aunties deposit have been took off?
I went back to work in may after my maternity leave finished foolishly reducing my hours to facilitate his promotion,meaning at only 8 hours according to i would only be £17 a week better off working this is before any childcare so i am going to have to resign and claim benefits as my job started at 6am so have no childcare.Does anyone have any experience of the mortgage intrest help you can get?
Onto access ,its probably best he left as our relationship had got terrible,to the point that he was become awfull to live with on several occasions he was heavy handed with me and our son to the point i phoned his mum in the hope she would talk to him about it,he smokes cannabis he says just once a week but i suspect its more,what are my chances of refusing him unsupervised access untill he tests clear for drugs and having visits at a contact centre untill then?
sorry about all the questions,its such a mess sad

secretskillrelationships Tue 28-Dec-10 19:13:43

Don't have any great advice but didn't want to read and run. Sorry to hear you're going through this and at this time of year.

I would not make any decisions regarding work too quickly if you can possibly avoid it. As a LP I do find work a bit of a lifesaver and a chance to be me (got a job after H left just over a year ago, having been virtually a SAHM for over 10 years!). Can you talk to work about working hours, they may surprise you (or not, but if not you're no worse off). I guess a lot will depend on you're DCs ages.

SaggyHairyArse Tue 28-Dec-10 19:23:52

Hi there

With regards to the help you get with a mortgage,you only get help with the interest part of the payments and from what I can gather it is based on what tax you have paid. I have worked very minimally since I had my children and so get £110pcm towards the interest.

If you can change your working hours, you will get help towards your childcare costs via the working families tax credits. It might be worth asking if you can change your working hours and then making an appointment with the lone parent advisor at your local Job Centre and they can tell you what's what.

Best of luck with everything,and if you need support re your ex's treatment of you, NADA can provide support.

Teaandchristmascakeplease Tue 28-Dec-10 19:34:40

Citizens Advice can be very helpful. Start there as your first port of call tomorrow if open. A lot are drop in's, no appointment necessary, just first come first served.

Also Gingerbread is very helpful. I think depending on what sort of things were signed when buying the house will depend on your Auntie's deposit etc. You will need professional advice from a qualified Conveyancing Solicitor. Take everything with you you can and see what they say.

Ring Tax credit people and advise them of your change in circumstances as well. I did find the lady in the lone parents section of the job centre very helpful and perhaps jigging your hours as opposed to resigning may work as you should get help with childcare now a lone parent, depending on how much you earn etc. You may not have to stop working.

Supervised Contact for your H can depend a lot, speak to a solicitor and see what they say.

fairygirl3 Tue 28-Dec-10 20:04:55

thank you for the replies,i know the next step is speaking to a solictor but to be honest i just dont have the strength and need to be at the stage where i am not going to cry over everyone,also talking about it makes it too real.
saggy-thats a worry about it being based on taxs as i too have only done part time work since having the kids.
with regards to work i seriously regret dropping my hours from 18 to 8 and there is no way i can change this or hours and starting at 6am is not an option with a 1 & 4 year old so my only option is to resign which makes me even more sad as i can relate to what you say secrets.Would love to find another job but dont have friends that could help with childcare which would mean youngest going to nursery etc for at least 3 days a week,she is still breastfed on demand/naps on me in day and with the trauma of her dad going i cant face putting her through anything else.add on to this my mum has advanced cancer and we were trying to make this a special christmas and now it has ended up a pile of shit angry
off to look at gingerbread site now,thanks tea

BeeandSon Tue 28-Dec-10 22:51:19

How do you know this is really the end of it?
ref mortgage I used to get nearly 100% of interest paid from the moment I was pregnant (it was 440 on a monthly 800something capital repayment) but I dont know if it was because of the single mum status or because I had paid income tax before but I dont recall having to show my tax returns

pickgo Wed 29-Dec-10 00:01:32

Ahww really sorry your facing this and just now.
I'd make an appointment with a solicitor as it's usually a little while before they come up with an appointment anyway and you really need to know where you stand, plus legal aid for D is on its way out. However, I think I'm right in saying he cannot do anything about the percentage of the house he is entitled to while your DCs are living in it. Think you have to get an 'F'? notice on it (solicitor will advise).
Re work, I was in this position when my last DC was little - I just lived on an extremely tight budget for a bit so I could stay home, continue Bf and provide more stability. You might decide to do this with the plan to get a new job for 16 hours to qualify for tax credit as soon as you judge it feasible. There's some very good childcare, just keep looking until you find something you feel totally confident in.
But for the moment, could you stay with family for a few days and concentrate on being kind to yourself and taking it easy? before you face it all?
I think you're possibly doing the worst bit right now - as you sort things out you will start to be able to enjoy life again free of the huge pile if shite that is a crap marriage. All the best. <hugs>

Gonzo33 Wed 29-Dec-10 06:07:59

Ok, I haven't read through all the replies but I have some experience with this (not legally qualified). Firstly I will say get down to a solicitors for a free half an hour as soon as possible. As your house is ex council and you bought it I am unsure as to how this would work. I am under the impression that when you buy a RTB you enter into a contract that states you cannot sell the home for a set period of time unless you pay the discount back. IF this would cause financial hardship then you have a case there and a good solicitor will be able to advise. I would say dig your paperwork out though, it should have the clause in there.

When I was going through a divorce my Mum and Nan helped me buy a property with a large deposit so they both put charges on the property so that my exh could not force me to sell the house and give him any monies as he had already had a substantial settlement.

In relation to help financially with your mortgage you need to speak to the Job Ctr and they will advise you accordingly. If it is still the same (left the mortgage industry a year ago) then you get help with the interest after 39 weeks.

In relation to the divorce, it sounds like you may have grounds for unreasonable behaviour, but like I said see a solicitor they will give you the best advice. If he is abusing drugs then you can temporarily stop unsupervised contact but you will need to ask for him to have a drug test, and if it does come back clear then you are going to have to allow contact. You will also be asked if there is any family member (yours or his) that you trust enough that is willing to supervise the access. Have a think about that because in my experience no matter how you are feeling you have to at least be seen to be as reasonable as possible.

I know this is hard, it was quite possibly the hardest period of my life, but believe me it is the best feeling when you come out the other side.

Good luck with whatever you decide is best.

Me xx

fairygirl3 Wed 29-Dec-10 17:31:14

bee unfortunatly yes i am sure this is the end,he says he has not loved me for years,i am fat and disgust him ,i have put on a lot of weight since we married 3 yrs ago.It probably is for the best but it does not stop it hurting like hell.
pickgo yes you are right i will feel better soon,it just seems a long way away,he has been detached from me from months,whilst i have tried my hardest to make him happy.
gonzo wish i had known about people being able to make a charge i might of got my auntie to do that but being happily married at the time never thought it would end in this.You are right if i sell the house in the next 18months i have to pay some of the discount back to the council,i posted in legal to and have recieved some advice which looks like i may be safe in respect of the house.I would never deny him access but i want it supervised till i can see he is off the dope,i suspect he has been doing it a lot more which would fit in with his mood or maybe being with me was making him like that.After how volatile he has been with me i would not inflict that on any of my family/friends and as i spoke to his mum about his agresive handling of our son and she just told him that he shouldnt do that but it was up to him i dont trust her to put my dc needs first.His dad saw the way he was treating us and had a word with him which resulted in argument and i feel he probably would not want to be put in that position which is why i thought a contact centre would be best.
for now i just have to try and hold it together for my kids,even though i feel like i just want to close my eyes and never wake up,try not to cry in front of them,to send him stupid texts telling him i still love him and to remember that things will get better sad

Teaandchristmascakeplease Wed 29-Dec-10 19:44:51

Fairy my lovely, come and join the ditched thread if you like? It's in relationships and is full of woman in the same situation and full of support. I was in your shoes 13 months ago and it is so hard.

Lawyer2B Wed 29-Dec-10 22:57:15

Hi there,

Dont despair left something similar a few months ago, again cannabis and domestic violence. Usually with drug users your solicitor can put in place a prohibited steps order which will limit his parental responsibilities, it would be quite reasonable to withold access if he takes drugs.
I myself am going through a horrible access battle and have had to rely fully on benefits ( understanding the benefit system if you have never been on it is so hard).

In regards to your house it depends what your husband contributed, sometimes the court can find a constructive trust, and maintanance will depend on how often he has the children.

Once I left I got myself a solicitor on legal aid and some free counselling. I know its so hard right now but ultimately you must know deep down that you and your children deserve so much more. I finally feel safe and its only when your free that you realise what a miserable situation you were in,

good luck be strong

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