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i feel like i am being pushed to being the 'baddie'

(52 Posts)
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 00:14:18

ok so Exp is home on leave, we have no arranged contact, i have told him he can have the dcs anytime aslong as he prearranges it and doesn't just turn up at the house.

he had them today, brought them back at 6pm (agreed time) and sat down on the sofa watching tv. I was just sitting down to my dinner (he had given them dinner at his mums) and when i finished i went back to my ironing. as it approached half 6 i asked ds1 if he wanted a bath, he said yes so i asked EXp if he would like to do it as he was here. so he bathed the dcs and put them to bed and then came back down and sat down on the sofa. i was using the computer so it wasn't like he was even sitting down with me. I feel really awkward when people are in my house, as though i have to entertain them, well it's rude not to speak to someone who visits but as he wasn't really invited to stay it felt weird, i tried to make conversation but he was giving brief answers and carried on watching tv, and then i asked him something about his car (stupid racer boy car that he is trying to sell) and he got annoyed and said " just stop talking to me" quite sharply and i said "hang on, you're in my house, you don't tell me to stop talking to someone who is sitting in my house" so he said "right I'm going" and went off in a bit of a huff.

the thing is this isn't a one off. when he came to collect the dcs earlier (agreed time was 2pm) he arrived 15 minutes early, infact he was behind me for the last few miles of my journey from my mum's and he came into the house and while i was setting teh fire he switched teh computer on and said "I'm using yoru computer" he stayed til afetr 3pm. teh whole time teh dcs had their coats on because i presumed he would be taking them soon but i didn't want to take them off them incase he would take it as invitation to stay longer.

so basically he is taking liberties and i feel he is doing it intentionally to get me to get me to snap and tell him to stop hanging around so that i am the one being unreasonable.

how do i make it clear to him that he isn't invited to lounge about my house but without me being made out to be a cow. which i knwo he will do. FWIW i always have teh dcs ready to go, coats on at agreed pick up time but he usually ahs a reason that he needs to come into the house, like using teh computer or something.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 28-Dec-10 01:34:44

Why does he "Need" to use your computer? Can't he go to the library, or an internet cafe? He has no need of anything of yours, and certainly no rights to be in your house at all.

kayah Tue 28-Dec-10 01:37:20

I understand why some mums are handing over kids at the door...
Does he take liberties, 'cos he used to share this house with you?
Change password on your profile ...

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 28-Dec-10 01:41:31

Ah Boo, that's totally wick. He is taking fucking liberties left, right and centre and the only way to stop him is to tell him.

I wish I was able to give you an easier way, but I can't. As he is only welcome in your house, because of his relationship with your DCs, therefore he needs to start to respect you and your home, the way he would respect those of his friend's mothers.

Yes he will huff. Yes he will probably make out that you are being unreasonable, but fuck that. You will be happier, more at peace and respected in your own home.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 28-Dec-10 01:41:58

BTW, Merry Christmas Boo.smile

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan Tue 28-Dec-10 01:49:05

next time he comes to pick them up have them ready at the door - if he comes early pop your head out the door and say they'll just be a minute and close the door again till they're ready to send out.

that should be clear enough.

if not or he makes a scene just say from now on we need to do it this way, it's clearer and better for all of us. and don't budge.

there's no way you have to have him spraying your territory.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 13:12:05

you are all right, however, (not sure who is aware and who isn't) but i am treading a really fine line with WRT it turning very nasty indeed and i really don't want to be giving him the ammo to start being petty and immature. we have been there before and it was hell. i was thinking about it last night in bed and i realised that he is doing it for my attention, good or bad, so i think if i just carry on my own routine and business exactly as if he weren't there. like washing dishes, dealing with the dcs, telling him "actually we are going out now" so that i am not having to force conversation (which he is aware of btw) and he is getting nothing from being here. it has worked with his texts, i have just ignored all the ones that say things liek he misses me and wants me back and they have stopped. so i think i will do this and he will get the picture. i really can't afford to even be the slightest bit confrontational with him, and aking him to wait at the door would be a red rag to a bull.

thank you all for replying.

happy christmas Dione!! grin

gillybean2 Tue 28-Dec-10 13:12:38

You're not a 'baddie' for putting your foot down about him treating your home like he probably does his mothers.

By letting him walk all over you for a quiet life you are not setting a good example to your dc.

So next time he drops them off and goes to walk in the door simply say 'oh was there something else?' And if he says I was going to watch tv or borrow your computer then say 'sorry it's not convienient now'. And if he ignores that then you need to spell it out. 'This is my home. As you don't need to speak to me about the children then it is time for you to leave. Goodbye.' And don't get into a discussion etc. If he tries simply say 'Now is not the time, we will discuss this later'

It's tough I know but he needs to see you mean business. And if he leaves in a huff then so be it, that's no different to how he leaves now anyhow now is it.

And if he comes early then you ask him to wait (outside) and the children will come out when they're ready/at the time agreed. And close the door on him if he goes to argue about it.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 13:22:39

you are right gilly, i am not teaching my children anything by letting this continue except that if they persist long enough with the threat of a tantrum they will get what they want.

i am such an upfront outspoken person but the fear of going back to how he used to treat me is having me holding my tongue. and he knows it. he knows how much i don't want to go back the way things were so he is taking advantage of that. you are right.

i will do as you say and keep him at the door.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan Tue 28-Dec-10 20:48:57

but he can't anymore. you're not tied in now. you can call the police for example, or even just threaten to.

is he violent?

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 28-Dec-10 22:29:22

How tall is he?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 22:30:39

no, no violence, just really immature in that if he doesn't get everything his way he turns into this nasty, spiteful, petty child, throws every argument we ever had back in my face, will run straight to a solicitor and refuse to talk to me calmly. it will end up as another court battle and i can't do it again. i just cant. i haven't got the energy to fight him again.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 22:31:17

5'10" why dione? confused

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan Tue 28-Dec-10 23:12:49

but realistically boo how long could this go on for? and where are the limits?

it's going to have to be sorted in the end and in the meantime he's a) stressing you out and b) growing in confidence and the perception of his power/authority etc. the longer you leave it the worst the temper tantrum is going to be no?

all he has is court realistically. if he's not allowed in your house and you don't answer his calls or texts there's nothing else he can do. and what can he say in court, "she won't let me sit on her sofa and scratch my balls"?

he's got nothing. you can do this. maybe it's the last push before he finally gives up. can't have him wearing you down for the rest of your life.

chin up.

confused at height relevance

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 23:22:39

you are right. he has nothing to go to court with and it really isn't the whole "what will he get if he goes to court" because i am happy for him to take the dcs anytime he wants, and i really mean that, if he wants to come and get them everyday it is fine aslong as he arranges it beforehand and accepts it when we have other things arranged, but he doesn't do that, it's up to him, he knows he is welcome to. so the access isn't a problem or worry for me it is the animousity (sp?) the spite and bitterness and dirty looks and snidey remarks to the dcs and nasty texts and just all that immature shit that i just do not want. he has it in his power to make life pretty horrible and he will involve the dcs in it by putting me down and arguing infront of them. he looks like an adult but as soon as he doesn't get his own way he reverts to being a petty pointscoring child. that is my fear.

but you are right i have to put a stop to this. i just need to do it in a way that minimises his reaction and makes it seem as little as possible as a personal insult to him.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 28-Dec-10 23:50:23

Well, after I set up home without ExH, I got a lampshade for the big light. Everytime my Ex walked across the living room he hit his head on it. It wasn't a big thing, but hitting his head reminded him that this wasn't his house.

Can you get a lampshade that fucks with his head? Just a suggestion, but it worked out a really good one for me.

OK, maybe I am losing the plot.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 28-Dec-10 23:53:12

Ex is 5 11". I still have the lampshade if you want it.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 23:57:46

that is a fab idea. i could put a nice dangly one in the hallway. i don't have a lampshade there. one that jangles and makes noise almost like an alarm to remind him he doesn't belong here!! grin mybe i should paint teh hall purple aswell!!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Tue 28-Dec-10 23:59:26

<off to look at lightshades in Next>

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 29-Dec-10 00:03:17

BTW, your water is going to be turned off soon (according to NI Water website), so stockpile, fill up pots and pans and the bath (for flushing the loo).

And get you with Next! I got mine in Asda!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Wed 29-Dec-10 00:04:37

i heard on the news. any idea when? are you affected?

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 29-Dec-10 00:17:08

According to the website, me in BTwhatever and you in Downwhatever were supposed to be off from 7pm until 8am. Saying that my mum was supposed to be back on from 6pm.

Stockpile. There is no water to be had in Belfast. Even NI Water ran out. They are just giving the address of stockpipes and telling people to bring their own containers.

Stockpile drinking water and fill the bath up for water for flushing.

pickgo Wed 29-Dec-10 00:17:45

TBH I wouldn't be asking him to bath and put DCs to bed. Not at this stage when you're trying to assert your separateness.
If you don't want to be confrontational I'd also make a list of excuses for why he has to leave and use them EVERY time eg I've got a phone call to my mum I've got to make, got a headache going to bed etc, ... so would you mind going now.
But be prepared, if he pushes it, to just state plainly that now you are separated you don't want him to spend time in your house unless it's to collect/drop off children. And stick to it every time. He'll get the message eventually.
Sounds like he wants to come back. If this is completely over you have to be firm and consistent. As soon as he starts seeing someone else the problem will disappear.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Wed 29-Dec-10 00:28:42

well mine is still on now. have just filled the bath and all the jugs, bottles jars and vases (for the dog) as i own. hopefully will have enough to do us. i would go to my mum but i see hers is off in saintfield aswell.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo Wed 29-Dec-10 00:31:40

pickgo yes i am really hoping he just hurries up and meets someone else. although you are right, i though since he was already there he might aswell bath the dcs but thinking about it, that is just what he was hoping for by hanging around. he is hoping to be in my way so i A) have to give him my attention and B) start making use of him while he is there so he can stay for longer and then probably throw it back at me as in how much of a 'help' he has been.

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