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I don't think we will hear from him over xmas either

(7 Posts)
AlwaysTheMummy Wed 22-Dec-10 21:24:42

Going on from my daughters birthday thread, we are now 3 sleeps from xmas and still no word so I can probably assume that he will not be getting in touch to see his kids.

The last time he saw them was very beginning of September and that was only because I asked him to have our daughter who was suffering with chicken pox, the time before that was middle of July, in fact when I think about it he only really saw them when I rang him and challenged him about seeing them.

Do you think he's a lost cause now? The angry side of me doesn't want him to see his kids ever again if he can just diss his daughter like that, well even his son for that matter, I just think if he wants to see them he can take me to court to get access, but I know it's not the right thing to do, I know I need to do what's right for the kids but I also need to protect them.

Aarrgghh It's so blooming hard, please give me some advise as to how I can handle this if and ever when he gets back in touch??

pickgo Wed 22-Dec-10 22:25:08

It's very sad for your DCs that they've got a Dad who is going to make them feel rejected. However this is NOT your fault.
I think you're right to conclude that if he wants to see them you should tell him to apply to the courts for an access order. That way he'll have to prove that he is committed (it's not an easy process) and there will be a better chance that he will stick to any arrangements.
If he is not willing to do that then he is not committed enough for it to be a good idea for him to remain in contact with your DD.
I had an absent Dad whose efforts to see me dwindled from when I was 6 onwards. I never knew whether I could count on him and grew up feeling very very confused about him. It took me until I was about 35 to sort it all out in my mind.
I think one thing or the other is the least damaging for children - the worst scenario is being messed around and feeling unstable/insecure as a result.
To counter his effect try to insert into conversations how you will never leave and always be there for your DD.
Good luck smile

gillybean2 Thu 23-Dec-10 08:43:10

I know it's very hard and you are hoping to protect your children from having 'no dad'. But that is basically what they've got.
Stop calling him about contact, if he was interested he'd be making the effort.
Letting go is the hardest part.

Are your dc asking about him? If so perhaps you should write to him as a last resort stating that the dc are asking for him and that it's time for him to agree a regular contact agreement. Make a suggestion (every 2nd or 3rd weekend perhaps, one or two days). If you hear nothing then you know that there's nothing more you can do.

What is your relationship like with his parents? Could you contact them and say if they'd like to see their grandchildren you'd be happy to arrange visits (assuming you are). That way they have some contact with that side of their family and don't feel completely abandoned. My ds feels much more secure knowing he can write or email him grammy any time and that they care about him, even if his dad isn't in the picture.

AlwaysTheMummy Thu 23-Dec-10 09:29:12

The kids don't really know his side of the family as they haven't really made the effort either, but I did write his mum a letter last week giving my mobile number and address and saying anytime she wanted to see the kids to let me know and we can arrange something, I haven't heard anything but at least the invitation is there.

I don't even know where he lives anymore but to be honest if he can't even be bothered to contact his kids on their birthdays or at xmas then what's the hope for any other time.

Thanks for all you kind words, it just hurts me because they want to see him xx

gillybean2 Thu 23-Dec-10 09:44:28

I told my ex that at the very minimum I would expect him to send a card for birthday's and xmas to ds. He wouldn't even agree to that and chose no contact at all instead shock

It makes me angry for my ds, but tbh he's much better off without that kind of role model and excuse for a man in his life.

It does hurt when he asks about his dad and why he doesn't like him and what he did wrong to make him go away (he vanished before he was even born). But I always reassure him and tell him how much he is loved. It is very hard though

AlwaysTheMummy Thu 23-Dec-10 10:17:27

I always tell my kids how precious they are and that I will never leave them. They do ask after him but it's only in passing so hopefully they aren't that upset about it, but my son is good at keeping things inside so I have spoken with his teacher to see if she can arrange for the school counsellor to maybe have a word and see how it is affecting him, I don't want to ask him outright incase he does get upset, whereas a school counsellor will be trained in that kind of thing.

In a way I'm glad he's chosen the no contact because then there is no upset or broken agreements, we can just get on with things and have a happy home xx

coldtits Thu 23-Dec-10 10:22:12

If he does get back in touch and want to see them, I suggest you treat it like one of your lost relatives has come to see them - no excitement for them, no pomp and circumstance, just keep it calm and drop into conversation "Oh, your dad's coming to town on Thursday, would you like to see him or would you like to stay here?"

This gives them a get out clause if they decide NOT to see their useless tit of a father - make sure they have the option not to (but again, be careful not to make either option seem more desirable from your point of view or they'll do what they think YOU want)

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