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Ok, I'm trying to work out if I can cope on my own, what are my rights?

(5 Posts)
botbot1234 Tue 21-Dec-10 15:11:25

Hello everyone, I'm here to ask for some practical advice rather really. I'm still in some emotional turmoil over whether or not I should insist on a separation from my husband but I have certainly wanted one for a very long time but he is adamantly against it. I don't know if I can trust my own judgement on this though to be honest, I'm really confused. I think part of what would help me work it out would be to understand what my options are. I have always felt that since its me who is unhappy I should be the one to leave but I'm unable to work and I have nowhere to go so that is pretty much impossible, and he wont leave because he fundamentally disagrees with it. But I'm beginning to think that might not be fair and he should leave even if I haven't got a better reason than I am just not happy because by staying knowing how I feel he is forcing this life on me. Now I may find I don't think the grass is greener without him but he is totally depriving me of the choice which disturbs me.

So I can think of a friend he could stay with for a nominal contributary amount of money and still keep paying for our house during a transitioning time. But after that, what could I do? How would I live? I have a 4yo and a health problem that would stop me working any regular job but doesn't qualify for DLA. I'm not from this country so have only friends I wouldn't want to rely too heavily on, but I do feel its home here. Thanks very much.

hairyfairylights Tue 21-Dec-10 17:28:53

Perhaps you could leave and claim relevant benefits including housing benefit. That would be easier than trying to maintain the existing home with no income? assuming you are a sahm and he is working? I am not sure it's fair of you to blame him for depriving you of choice. It is sad that you are unable to work but if deemed fit for work and not eligible for incapacity benefit (you mention dla but not whether you have applied for ib) then you'd be better off getting a job (or appealing the ib decision).

balia Tue 21-Dec-10 19:39:24

Would you be up to taking care of a 4yo on your own? It's not an easy job for someone in full health. Have you tried CAB for advice? TBH, you can't really ask someone to move out for a 'transition' period if there isn't anything to transition to, IYSWIM. Is his choice based on his child? Because I wouldn't move out and leave mine, although I know a lot of men do...

However, you can survive on very little if you set your mind to it so if you are definite that the marriage is beyond saving don't have to feel trapped.

pickgo Wed 22-Dec-10 21:59:00

Are you entitled to benefits as a UK or European citizen?
I let financial worries hold me back from separating for years and was very very unhappy.
Having made the split a year ago I can now look back and realise most of what I worried about has not happened.
If you could work for 16 hours you would get working tax credit which means you won't be rich but will have an income you can survive on. Plus I think it's better for you and your child if you work part-time.
You really need to seek expert advice to be sure of your options.
After Christmas go the the Citizens Advice Bureau. If it's a case of really needing your husband to leave then there are ways that can be achieved.
Stay strong and find out your options. x

gillybean2 Thu 23-Dec-10 08:51:10

You can't make him leave. So at this point your choices are that you leave or that you live in same house as separated (ie different bedrooms, different cupboards for food etc). Second choice is not very easy but it's the only way if you wish to retain the house on the grounds you need it more as you have your dc more of the time. You can claim some benefits as separated, even if in same property still, but you must have a distinction on your separate lives within the same house and no back and forth as you umm and ahh about it.

So if you can't afford to keep the house after you separate/divorce then perhaps you should look to move out yourself now.

However it all sounds like you aren't terribly sure, so perhaps at this point you'd benefit from some relationship councelling to help you explore why you are unhappy and to see if there is any way to resolve it.

But if you've made the decision to separate then you need to look at how to make that happen and what you can and can't afford (house, continuing to be a sahm etc).

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