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Advice on access?

(10 Posts)
Hannispan Fri 17-Dec-10 09:00:36

Wanted an independent view on Christmas access as my ex and i cannot agree. He is suppose to have the kids tomorrow and xmas eve but i and DD2 are ill so can't travel to the meeting point (he lives 109 miles away so we meet half way). I am spending xmas with my parents a 20 min train journey away and the plan was that he would have the kids xmas eve morning stopping at mine on his way to his parents for xmas i could travel before it got dark (my dcs are 2 and 10 months). He has now announced that due to a Jobcentre sign on he can only have them between 4 and 8 on xmas eve which i am not happy about travelling that late in snowy icy conditions with two small children. He maintains im being unreasonable especially as i've cancelled the visit tomorrow (DD2 has v and d so travelling is geniunelly not an option). Am I being unreasonable to say no to late xmas eve visit? Thanks

mamas12 Fri 17-Dec-10 09:28:35

Depending on where you are in the country the weather conditions will take this decision out of both your hands.

Do you drive or is he asking you to do 109 miles on public transport 8pm xmas eve with two babies? If so then heis BU.

ANTagony Fri 17-Dec-10 09:41:33

I find when I need to change access arrangements the best way forward is to offer alternatives like - we have a problem with Saturday visit because DS2 is unwell. I would suggest we leave it 3 days would Tues, Wed or Thurs same hours be convenient instead?

If I don't feel comfortable with an arrangement - like your Xmas Eve one, I don't allow it as an option. So I'd say 'It is not practical for us to be around between 4 and 8 on Xmas Eve however we can do Boxing Day, Bank Holiday or New Years Eve instead.'

I don't find suggesting some alternative time works, I need to give specific options and typically if there are three he accepts one of them.

I think by offering alternatives its less like you're trying to be obstructive to visits and less confrontational than a straight no that doesn't suit us.

It is a bit of a minefield and slowly but surely you will work out a system that works best for you.

Good luck

Hannispan Fri 17-Dec-10 10:32:24

No he would be coming to me on the way to his folks! I would never travel futher than an hour by train especially as my 2 year old is potty training :-)

I'll try and think of some alternative suggestions thanks

mamas12 Fri 17-Dec-10 11:11:00

yep go the way of Ant.
You know you make sense.

hairyfairylights Fri 17-Dec-10 17:23:44

I think you should do whatever you can to facilitate him seeing his DC on Christmas Eve.

I also think he should, if he needs to change the arrangements, travel to pick them up and drop them back off.

It's all about compromise and helping each other out when arrangements need to be changed.

I can also see why he might feel a little aggreived at not being able to see his kids on Xmas Eve. But he also needs to contribute extra effort.

Giftwrapped Fri 17-Dec-10 19:36:05

Could he come to your parents to see them?

I think each of you has a fair point, but I do think it's a bit harsh for him not to see them on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, and if he has to sign on then his hands are tied.

QueenOfFlamingEverything Fri 17-Dec-10 19:55:51

Usually there is no signing on over Christmas, they just miss it out and you go back in January - I would be really surprised if that was the real reason he wants to change the arrangements.

evolucy7 Fri 17-Dec-10 19:57:36

Personally I think that 4-8pm is a bad time for a 2 year old and 10 month old. Surely it doesn't take all day to sign on? There must be another time of day that he could see them?

QueenOfFlamingEverything Fri 17-Dec-10 19:58:23

Sorry, posted too soon.

I would suspect him of lying tbh, which would make me far less likely to agree to changing anything to suit him.

And even if it is true that he has to sign on, it can hardly have come as a surprise - I mean, he must be aware that he signs on every fortnight, same time, same place.

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