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How do I cope - on a trial split but all going to visit my Mum over new year..

(6 Posts)
scarlotti Sat 11-Dec-10 21:21:52

Title says it all really. DH and I on a trial separation since November. Still at relate, supposed to be trying to do 'date nights' but so far no date has been offered by DH.
I'm not optimistic that things will work out, he still doesn't see my issues with the relationship despite months of relate and years of discussions.

This xmas we've decided that he will come back and stay from xmas eve to boxing day, which is fine although no doubt will be a little awkward. DC's are 16, 5 and 1 so will be good for them. Brother and 4 dc's coming xmas day to stay over and get drunk and play games, so a good social time planned.

Thing is, then the plan is to go to my Mum's for 5 days over new year - she lives 5 hours away so can't do a shorter trip. DH wants to come and thinks it won't be too awkward. Mum has said ok, but expects him to join in the fun and do his bit.

Anyone got any advice as to how to get through it? DD (16) is dreading it as thinks it will be awkward. Home has been so calm and peaceful since he moved out and I'm not relishing the prospect of spending 5 days together and sharing a room again.
Am I just being selfish and mean?

Ninjacat Sat 11-Dec-10 21:55:48

Sounds like it's not the right time for him to go with you. If he does go you are going to need really clear boundries and sharing a room will be confusing for you and the children.

merrycompo Sat 11-Dec-10 21:59:18

I agree with the previous poster
you're either together or you're not
if you're going away with him to rekindle the relationship, share a room with all that involves then go for it
but if the relationship is over tell him not to stay over Xmas night or come to your mums
your dcs will be too confused and the 16 yr old is already dreading it?
Sounds like you're dh wants to get back together and you don't

scarlotti Sat 11-Dec-10 22:16:15

I've had a conversation with him saying I think it would be too awkward but he just said he'd get the train back if that was the case. Neither of us have any family around here and I think part of me is feeling guilty as he'd be left on his own back here.

Maybe I need to talk to him about sharing a room - I hadn't thought about it maybe confusing the dc's.

We had decided that we would wait until after Christmas to have any serious talks about the relationship so I guess I'm putting all thoughts about that on hold. I can cope with him coming here for Christmas as he can sleep in the spare room.

I don't know if he wants to get back together or not - he probably would if he could go back to how it was and I would just stop moaning, but that's not going to happen.

cestlavielife Sat 11-Dec-10 23:59:51

do the christmas thing with him.

but not the new year. that would be a huge mistake.

your DD is dreading it and will have it hanging over her. think of her. either you trialling separation or you not...

who would decide it isnt working out?
him or you?
likelihood is it would involve a row right?

what stands out is: "he still doesn't see my issues with the relationship " so he thinks it is all your fault/you being silly/etc..

dont know the back story but you say:

"Home has been so calm and peaceful since he moved out " - so please don't risk five days of the opposite of calm and peaceful over new year. you go to your mother with DC - if he inisists on going because otherwise he will be lonely on new year eve then suggest he comes and stays in a B&B nearby - and agree very specific times for him to be with you all on new years eve - but even then - he will be round and who will decide when he goes?

you are on a trial separation - stick to it especially as you dont feel good about the prospect of spending five days with him. going from separation an him staying in spare room for one night to spending five days together sharing a room at your mother's? ugh.

new year - wont he find a friend with a party? is he a party type? does he ahve friends? let him know if you still separated next year he will get the Dc for new year?

scarlotti Sun 12-Dec-10 08:25:18

cestlavielive - thank you for your post. I am still trying to find my way through all this and it's hard to know what to do for the best with things. I'm happy for him to come for Christmas but feel odd about the new year thing.
It would likely be me to say that things were too awkward down there and am sure it would cause difficulty.
He's not the party type but I guess that's not my responsibility.. I had suggested he go visit his folks at the other end of the country but he says things like 'my concentration is down here' - I suspect he doesn't want to go up there on his own and have to field questions from his friends.

I need to face up to this and broach the subject but stay firm. DD had assumed that he wasn't coming, so was only yesterday she realised he was, and said that would be even more awkward. I need to put her first. DS1 (5) has dealt with all this so well, I'd be stupid to put that at jeopardy. I've avoided saying 'don't come' as I felt I was being selfish not wanting my time with mum to be awkward, but time to face reality I think.

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