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ds still unhappy about dp ANY advice please!!!

(23 Posts)
confusedraven Wed 08-Dec-10 11:09:41

hi i am hoping for sonme advice..

i have been separated from xh for 3 years and with dp for 2 and a half. divorce in process, we split cos xh alcoholic and serial cheat - basically i had had enough of lies, finding him sex texting, drugs, etc etc, you know...

xh lives with his gf and access is friendly and regular, no issues there, have never dissed him to my ds (13) or dd(11.

my dp is a good and loving man, and i have strived to make separation easy as poss on my dcs. my dd is fine and loves my dp. my son likes him a lot too - they do stuff together and he often cant wiat to see him to show him things, play, was keen to but him a xmas present with his own money etc..

the problem is that while my dp has his own flat he still goes back there every night cos my ds cant accept him staying here and after 3 years thats starting to feel a little but mad. when he has tried to stay my ds cries, says he doesnt like it, wont ever likeit, wants it to just be the three of us, constantly comes into our room and wont breaks myt heart cos i want him to be happy..and i wat us all to be happy and its hard to understand when he clearly does like my dp in all other respects.

i promise i have said all the things you are supposed to say, constantly reassured him that i love him asked how i can help make it easier for him etc - constantly whenever it comes up. he just says all his friends agree they would hate it.

the thing is, he doesnt do this to his dad who lives with gf, andthey have been on holiday together and all shared a room and he just laughs about that. he says its different for his dad. its a killer knowing my xh has everything he wants when its his stupid fault we are apart (trust me i tried for years to cope with him, it started when they were babies)

its a very secure deeply loving relationship that i have with my dp and he is very gentle with my ds and talks to him about it though he has recently got a bit cross with my ds when he stands at our bedroom door refusing to go back tohis bed at like midnight or something.

the main reason he got cross is that i am quite ill, in constant pain from ovarian cysts and endo and have operation booked for next sometimes i suppose he is protective of me - but he doesnt shout or anything - we both want to help him throug this. and my dp does more for him nd has more time for him than his dad ever did. though of course hes his dad so perfect in his eyes i suppose.

i will need someone to stay with me after and this would have to be my dp and its frustrating that my ds is causing so much added stress andthe pain and unhappiness i have cos of that just makes it all worse somehow.

i feel selfish that i want someoneto care for me an i wish that i could just say ok i will be on my own then...but i dont want to be on my own!! i have never met a man like this i love him so much and he is so goodto all of us but then of course also i love my ds and dd more than anything. but i know that if i left my dp i would be unhappy and resentful and lonely and if only my ds could somehow get over this we could all be so happy

things got really bad recently and i said to my ds ok i will leave my dp and he got upset and said no thats stupid - and aftre every time he plays up he says sorry and we hug. we are very close and i have always been very closeto my ds and protected them from what their father did - his alcoholic rages, women etc (though they know a little now of why we split) i know my ds is suffering over this but its been 3 years now and i dont know what to do

i have told my ds that my dp will continue to have his own flat and that when his childtren visit him (every other weekend) they will all stay there (my dcs like his children but prefer that they dont stay here and i can see that and we accept that - they spend timetogether though and we havebeen aaway together happily - which makes it even more weird that ds wont accept him here) but i told him that somenights it would be nice for him to stay over and that i will need my dp to be here after my op (having cyst and ovary removed and need proper incision, they tried keyhole but couldnt do it that way - so its quitre a long recovery time cant lift anything etc)

so what do i do? i am handling this all wrong maybe. friends suggest i have given ds too much power over what i do for too long - but its so hard when he is upset - i want him tobehappy so much

i am sorry that this is soooo long and please know that my priority is making my ds happy, i just dont want to give up this lovely man. which sounds contradictory i know..its just that i have tried so hard to do everything right in an unwelcome situation and it seems to work for others...should he stay or should he go

thanks for reading..x

Pashazade Wed 08-Dec-10 15:01:39

Just a thought and it seems like you have tried everything, but in case have you tried having your dp stay the night but not with you in your room? That way they get used to the concept of him being there in the morning but your ds doesn't feel like someone is taking his mum away? Hard to know how to play this, but don't discount how much your impending surgery might be making him worry. But also I might be inclined to agree with your friends he is 13 he is old enough to handle this, he allows his dad to be happy but not you, pointing out the outrageous double standard and the fact that he is happy to make you miserable might be an eye opener. Hope you manage to get it sorted smile

confusedraven Wed 08-Dec-10 15:24:56

thanks pashazade, we did do that early on (separate rooms) but feel like if i do go back to taht now i will still have the next hurdle to deal with in the future and it sort of shows our relationship in an unrealistic way? youre right - its tricky!

will just say i dont think my surgery worries him at all, after my most recent op he was stropping about and made me get up out of bed to get him a hot water bottle - and he never actually shows any concern or asks how i am or behaves himself in any way if i say please be good i dont feel well - lol i think he's a fairly typical self centered teen in that regard fsmilealso i have really downplayed it to the dcs so that they dont worry, cos my dd was slghtly fretful

but thanks!!

hairyfairylights Wed 08-Dec-10 15:25:35

Im afraid I think your son has to take precedence to your desires in this situation OP.

You don't have to give up this man, surely - if he's worth it he will wait until your son is ready? Him not being able to stay over at yours is surely not grounds to break up what sounds like a good relationship?

I think having your partner to stay on the couch or in a spare room or on a put me up bed in the living room is fair compromise, when you need him there to look after you.

confusedraven Wed 08-Dec-10 15:25:50

ha festive smiley fail hmm

Maelstrom Wed 08-Dec-10 17:36:59

I don't get why your son is being allowed to run your romatic life. You have split 3 years ago, he is 13 years old, and IMO quite capable to share a parent with their new partner as it is evidenced by his positive attitude towards his father's new relationship.

You have been in this relationship for more than 2 years, it is quite disrespectful to your new partner to be asked to sleep on the sofa because your son gets a bit miffed about it. If he were a fling, FGS, I will understand but he is obviously not one and IMO he has been incredibly patient to tolerate this situation for such a long time.

Children should come first, but comming first is not about allowing them to run the lifes of their guilt ridden parents (yes, I know you are not guilty of the split but I also know that it is not unusual for both parents to be blamed equally for the problem).

You know, it is actually good for children to know they are not calling the shots, knowing that an adult is in charge actually may ease a lot of the problems.

You need help, you are ill, and you have long term commited relationship, your child views are important but just remember that to be able to care for your children you have to be well yourself, and part of that wellbeing is for you to be cared and supported by people who love you.

confusedraven Thu 09-Dec-10 00:04:31

thank you maelstrom

whitepaperdoll Thu 09-Dec-10 09:52:19

It sounds like your son is struggling to come to terms with allowing another adult male into his life and is fearful of losing you. Having all those emotions mixed with teenage hormones will be very difficult for him to deal with.

You could put your foot down as maelstrom suggests and just insists that he puts up with it, but that's unlikely to convince him to accept the situation in his own mind. He may well harbour resentment even if he doesn't continue to protest outwardly.

Personally I would recommend some family therapy to deal with the underlying issues. There are complex dynamics involved here and hopefully your partner could also take part at a later stage to help show how committed he is.

daddydaycare51 Thu 09-Dec-10 11:33:23

Hi I know it's hard but I am in total agreement with maelstrom. If your son has no problems with your ex living with his new G/F then this has become a male alpha situation, he see's himself as the man of the house and he thinks he is looking out for your interest. Children of all ages learn and are guided by the parent/parents not the other way around. Just try to explain to him that as he grows and has children of his own HE will make decisions that will affect his children and thier future in life. Have you thought about letting your son and B/f have a man day
eg: Taking him to a football match , bowling , pictures then of to McDonnald's or such just to try get a bit more bonding and understanding between them just to let him know that your new b/f is serious about you and your whole family and that your son is not going to wake up one morning to find your b/f gone ??? ( just a thought ) it might work.

confusedraven Thu 09-Dec-10 14:07:10

hi daddydaycare, well thats part of the weird thing - he has had days out with my dp, they have been to cinema, they do keep fit stuff together, they go outside and play with my ds's air soft gun together, they have a lot of the same interests - dp sometimes colects him from his army cadets and they have a fair bit of time without me and my ds often says could he and my dp do this that or the other - and they do. they both genuinely enjoy each others company.

he knows that dp is a permanent in our lives and that xh not coming back.

its just sleeping over he totally hates!! i think logically i agree with you and maelstrom its just as you say, hard! well who wouldnt prefer that mummy and daddy were hapy together all their lives - but we dont all get to live the dream do we!!

i realy appreciate you taking the timeto answer

daddydaycare51 Fri 10-Dec-10 09:01:49

Hi again , did you say your b/f has his own flat ?. If so have you tried a pizza and dvd night with your son and b/f at his place ?
If this does not work then I'm sure it has turned into a territory matter and your son has claimed your house as his own exclusive stomping ground. Could you get your ex to explain to him that its ok for you to move on with your life as he has done (new g/f), it sounds strange but he might be waiting for approval from his dad as he might think his dad would want him not to like your b/f staying overnight. BUT you can only do so much before you have to make a stand and be firm and decide what you want , and let your son know that you value his opinions BUT you are the adult and you have the right to be happy in love the same as he would be when he is old enough to start his own family.

sorry I can't be much help but I myself have not been in this situation (Yet) smile

confusedraven Fri 10-Dec-10 09:30:59

hi ddc!! ys done all that and my xh has certainly told him many times that he thinks its ok - from what he told me he was more 'brutal' than i have been - said hes (ds) got to let me have my own life. he said that if they were to complain about his gf he would simply say, she is for him, not them and that they would haveto get ysed to it.!! easy for him!!

oh and xh also says that ds chayts to him about my dp and things thay have donein any very positive way. its mental!! certainly both my dcs will happily chat to me or their dad about the other partners and dont feel there is any need to 'protect feelings' or that they shouldnt enjoy their company. which is good.

so yes tried everything and yes maybe i just have to be firm now.

and you have been a help, thank you!! smile

QueenofWhatever Fri 10-Dec-10 09:35:13

I'm with the others - I think you need to work out how your new partner and son can have their own relationship and for your son to accept yours. I think it would not be helpful for your son's future development if you never let your partner stay over. There is certainly a bit of alpha male jostling for position going on here.

You say in your OP that your son says it's different for his Dad. Why? I would try asnd open him up around that point; does your son see men and women as fundamentally different? If so, how and why?

daddydaycare51 Fri 10-Dec-10 13:00:00

Queenofwhatever your very welcome , and sorry but I'v run out of idea's grin

daddydaycare51 Fri 10-Dec-10 13:30:37

Ooops sorry queenofwhatever the last message was for confusedraven blush grin

MadameCastafiore Fri 10-Dec-10 13:36:38

Your son has attachment issues and could do with some therapy - I think you have let it go too far to just turn round and tell him to like it or lump it now.

I would say go and see the doctor and see if you can get a referal to your local CAMHS team.

Maelstrom Fri 10-Dec-10 21:35:03

The therapy would be great, but not may be not so readily available.

IME CAHMS concentrates in providing support for the most pressing cases, I have seen children who were VERY VERY messed up by their parents' split and even been emotionally abused by either parent and still... couldn't get counseling from CAHMS.

Other support to be considered:

Parentline: May provide counseling to you which you can use to get ideas from the counselour on how to help your child.

Relate Teen: Part of Relate, helps teenagers to deal with issues related to their parents relationship/split. They charge but not that much, problem is, there are not many Relate Teen services around the country.

Young Minds: Not very hands on service but still something to consider.

But someway I think that they will tell you what you already know yourself: That you are his mum and you are in the best position to talk to him and make him understand that it is not for him to decide whether you and your long standing partner share a bed.

DDC's idea is a good one, starting by sharing the bed at another place.

Best of luck

ShanahansRevenge Fri 10-Dec-10 21:39:20

Sounds like your DS is a really good boy...I aree with Daddydaycre in that it's become an Alpha male thing...your DS has done his utmost to win and has succeeded so far! So hats off to his Alpha capabilities at such a young age!

I think you'll have to be Alpha Mum on this though...and let DP stay...if DS comes in or cries you should remove

Hell get used to it bless him.

confusedraven Sat 11-Dec-10 22:13:31

thank you so much for all the very good advice - i donyt honestly think that counseling is for me or him and have 'taken a stand' - interestingly dp has stayed last few nights - ds showed off a bit the first time but has been a bit better since that once he knew he 'couldnt win' and is still very loving to me and hasnt changed his overall friendliness to dp so fingers crossed...

thanks so much for giving me courage to see it through.

visited dps parents today and his bro who is also separated has had hideous divorce in which mum made her 2 dcs take sides and now has ds with her while ds lives with his dad. his mum today sent him a 10 page letter telling him why he was such a bad son (he is 14)...made me realise that all things considered i could have made this worse for my ds.

i will continue to take his feelings into account but not to the extent of letting him run my life. he is a child with hopes and dreams but then i was too once and i hope that we can all be happy eventually..

thanks again, big, huge help smile

CarGirl Sat 11-Dec-10 22:22:06

I'm glad it's worked out, teens seem to be manipulative little buggers people at times wink

matildarosepink Sat 11-Dec-10 22:38:40

Alpha male thing going on, sounds like.

However, it's never really good to allow your children to rule the roost. You've given him so much time, space and attention and he'll just have to find out that the sun will keep rising and setting when your dp stays over. There are some great suggestions on this thread for support for your ds - someone more objective might feel more confident to challenge his perspective and support him in exploring what's really going inside.

Why don't you all go away somewhere for a weekend, so that it happens for the first time somewhere neutral?

Your DS clearly sees you and the house as his territory, he's 'the man of the house'. This is his perspective, it's obviously very real for him. However, you're the adult, and it really does sound like you've tried so many reasonable courses of action, and given it three years. Your son can't have all the rights and none of the responsibilities. You almost sound scared of what he might say or do?!

Of course you love him, and have done as much as you can to help him feel secure. His feelings about it all have taken a huge precedence, and have had a spotlight on them for a long time now. Go and visit somewhere he'd like to go, as a family group. Don't discuss sleeping arrangements beforehand, too much heightened expectation. Just go and stay there with you and dp in together.. if not now, then when?

matildarosepink Sat 11-Dec-10 22:40:32

Sorry, wandered off from the PC to attend to DD, posted my draft when I got back and then re-read the last posts afterwards, only to see that it's resolved! Hurray, well done. x

Maelstrom Sat 11-Dec-10 22:42:27

Good to hear it is working

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