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Expecting and recently single

(16 Posts)
chickpea77 Mon 06-Dec-10 12:19:22

Hi all, first posting and I hope its in the right topics area.

I'd really like to find inspiration from other Mothers or M2B out there who may have gone through similar.

Long story short, I'm due within a month and the DP has finally made a decision to finish relationship completely, no emotional or financial support even though I left the door open to him and his approach to our situation. Feeling utterly rejected and lost, some family members seem to under estimate the impact its had on my emotions but thats another story.

Any one can advise me of books, tactics, thoughts to move forward please?

lowercase Mon 06-Dec-10 13:45:03

single parenting for dummies ( book )

gingerbread is a single parent support group i think?

for now, i would concentrate on you, and the baby.

do you have the baby basics ( a few clothes, pushchair etc. )
have you got a birth plan?
who is your birthing partner?

you have so much to look forward to (really!)

take each day as it comes, and promise your baby that you will take care of you both.

ask midwife, health visitor, g.p. for advice on what to do next.

get as much help and support as you can.

keep posting x

maledetta Mon 06-Dec-10 15:15:07

Hello Chickpea,

I went through the same thing, as did many others here...in fact for a while we had a thread going called "Pregnant and doing it on our own", which I guess you could find if you did a search (I don't know how to make a link to it)!.

DS is 10 months now; he is a lovely, lovely baby and we are comfortable and stable.It's taken me quite a fight to accept that his dad has rejected both of us (he messed us around a lot), and just as much effort to realise that the man is a total disaster area,and if he'd been around would just have pulled us down.

If I had to do it again, I would have made sure I had a warm, cosy, safe home ready- instead, I foolishly thought I could go on living on my boat in the depths of winter, which left me very vulnerable. Do you have a good place to live?

I wouldn't be surprised that your parents don't seem able to accept the emotional impact of your situation- IME most British people, especially of the older generation, don't "do" emotional distress. Although mine have been practically very supportive and non-judgmental, several times I have caught them rapidly changing the subject as I walk into the room, as they think "mentioning it" will upset me! As if I wouldn't think about the subject otherwise!

But they have been great otherwise, and I stayed with them for the first 3 weeks after the birth. That was a lifesaver, and I would recommend it if you can.

I've got to go now, but do keep posting, and be aware that it does get better, and you have to focus on making a comfy, easy nest for you and the baby, and pull in as much support as you can.....

chickpea77 Mon 06-Dec-10 19:28:00

Ladies, Thank you very much for your advice.

So far I've decided to stay with my family until DD is born and we will then move into our own place, I can't face being there alone at the moment, I'll make sure its extra cosy for us.

Even knowing some one else has been there and survived means so much and being able to discuss situation.

Thank you

Trifle66 Mon 06-Dec-10 20:15:57

The same thing happened to me 12 yrs ago - my ExH left me when I was 8 mths preg - it was hard but doable - i did move in with my parents for the first 3 months and they have been very supportive ever since. It didn't feel like it at the time but it really was a blessing in disguise.
I had a good friend come into the delivery room with me - she had two children so was a very practical help- so think about asking someone to be there for you.

Good luck x

chickpea77 Wed 08-Dec-10 11:36:11

Thank you Trifle, I'm planning on my sister to be with me, she has a great sense of humor and will give me the kind of support that I need.

I can already see that it is a blessing in disguise, he has let me down at every turn and will continue to do so, had he remained.

How can men shut off and feel no sense of humanity towards his own is beyond me.

googoomama Wed 08-Dec-10 17:37:08

Chickpea - have a look at this thread it's great and it's helped me enormously

chickpea77 Mon 13-Dec-10 00:39:31

Thank you very much!!

girliefriend Wed 15-Dec-10 19:58:33

Hello I've raised my dd on my own since pregnancy and it is hard but also in someways eaiser as what you say goes!!! I think its great that you are moving in with your family for a bit, I did the same thing and moved in with my mum and I really valued her support. I meant to only stay for 6 months or so but it ended up being nearly 3 years!!! Financially it would have been impossible to move into my own flat so I put my name down for a council place which we have now been in for 18 months. My advice is ring the tax credit people now and explain your situation, fill in all the forms etc so that when your baby is born it just takes a phonecall for them to work out payments. Also if you've not already and your family aren't expecting a lot in rent start a savings account and put in every month what you would be paying in rent iyswim?! I did this and saved quite a large amount by the time I moved out. Have you had a discussion with your ex about what kind of involvement he is going to want? In my opinion its good if the child can have some contact with their dad. My dd dad unfort made the decision he wanted nothing to do with us and my dd really struggles with this at times. Also I found because I was on my own everyone was really generous with giving me stuff!!! Good luck xX

chickpea77 Thu 16-Dec-10 18:32:50

Thank you girliefriend for giving me hope too.

So far the housing side is really sorted out and i'm happy with the support I have been given by all my lovely friends and family, I really do count my blessings.

With regards to DD Dad he changes his mind like the wind and I would like and stated I want consistency with what he wants, currently wants info and updates, 2 wks ago nothing. I feel emotionally detached from him. So for him he wants to be involved which i'm happy to do but not when he is just in a good mood to be a parent.

One small apology came my way and he admitted being a failure, i did not become smug

I guess this is the long haul of parenting diplomatic services I will learn

girliefriend Thu 16-Dec-10 19:59:32

Yes it is, parenting is the steepest learing curve you'll ever go on!!! My guess is your ex is probably scared shitless but at least he is still about and sounds like he does care.

Good luck with everything and stay in touch xXx

ChairmumSupermum Fri 17-Dec-10 22:48:59

Hello!

I was in a similar position - H moved out when I was 4 months pregnant. DD is now 6 months old and despite some rough times I'm loving my life right now!

My recommendations are :

- accept every scrap of help you are offered. Even if you don't actually need it when the time comes, knowing it us there will be your safety net
- try to detach emotionally from XP. One of the biggest breakthroughs for me was when a relate counsellor showed me I was still expecting H to change and it wasn't gonna happen. We are not responsible for their behaviour or their happiness! It's a huge weight off to know that. Just concentrate on you!

I am lucky that H and I are functioning very well as co-parents and I think that is mostly down to the fact that I managed to detach emotionally from it all (somehow)

bluejelly Fri 17-Dec-10 23:04:58

Very good advice here already. I went through a similar situation, and have a come out the other side with a lovely dd, a new and v lovely dp and a v close relationship with my parents too :-)
My one regret is that I spent 3 years ping ponging back and forth to my ex- should have realised that anyone who can desert a pregnant woman was never going to bring happiness to my life!

electra Fri 17-Dec-10 23:13:02

chickpea, you must be feeling awful. I have a 20 month old who has never met her father and he doesn't want anything to do with her.

I think that when you're pregnant it's really hard to come to terms with the feelings you're left with about the relationship you had ending (even if, as in my case the guy was bad for me)

Time is a healer - but it was incredibly hard for me at first. He refused to even talk about it or acknowledge anything. I am glad now that he doesn't have any part in our lives. Because he wasn't able to be there for us then, so how could I ever rely on him in any way for the future? Furthermore he obviously thinks the world spins for him and therefore he'll never be any use to his daughter.

I've recently had counseling which has helped me to lay the awful feelings I had about it to rest.

PaigeTurner Sun 19-Dec-10 11:50:37

Hey Chickpea, I'm going through similar at the moment (due on Xmas Eve). Baby's dad has tried to be interested through pregnancy (on and off) but has let me/us down several times already and now has decided to cut contact - apparently on the advice of his family who think he should get a DNA test hmm.

My hormones are all over the place at the moment and this behaviour really hurts, but I know as soon as my DS is born and we get to know each other, I will feel more able to deal with the situation and his non-involvement. Good luck.

threetimesabridesmaid Sun 19-Dec-10 18:57:07

Hi, my ex left me when I was 4mths pregnant and my DD is now 6mths old. He has seen her twice but is really not bothered.
I spent a lot of my pregnancy angry but since my beautiful baby has been here, I just don't give a fuck about him.
I've had no support from him & only a little from friends/family - I promise you will be fine. It is knackering & you sacrifice EVERYTHING (as I imagine you do for all children) but us totally worth it.
Lots of luck xx

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