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I've been on Match for 4 months and no luck whereas my childless friends are on for 4 minutes and they meet a great man!

(127 Posts)
poshsinglemum Sun 05-Dec-10 20:10:40

What am I doing wrong?

I am fed up with people saying I have to have a great relationship with myself as I have that (ish) and have been on my own for like ever.

iwillmakeit Sun 05-Dec-10 20:30:55

Hi there! Subs ended today for match, after 6mths. Also got no where. can only assume it was the three kids that put them off!
Am thoroughly fed up with the whole thing and so glad its over!

Cant say you are doing anything wrong. Others will have much better things to say to you that will all make sense, and I will read avidly!grin

Good luck x

SaggyHairyArse Sun 05-Dec-10 21:16:50

I don't think it is a question of you are doing anything wrong. I think that it is a question of fate and whether you 'bump into' any likeminded people whether it is through a dating site or IRL.

Listen to last Saturdays Womans Hour online, they mention a book called The One Before The One on there and also about happiness etc.

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe Sun 05-Dec-10 21:21:14

Are you in London or the south east PSM? I feel that men between 35 - 50 are spoilt for choice round here with attractive intelligent independent women of 25+, many of whom are without children which obviously appeals to some men (only know coz I've tried putting no kids on my profiles and it does seem to affect quality/quantity of response sadly). Willing to accept it is just because I am an ugly munter who couldn't pull a cracker though!

Niceguy2 Sun 05-Dec-10 22:17:31

It works both ways. Try being a bloke with kids. Single women run a mile!

There were a few notable exceptions but on the whole I found single ladies would rather date a guy with no ties. In fact, even single mums prefer guys without kids. I had a couple tell me they'd rather someone without baggage which I felt was the pot calling the kettle black.

Assuming you don't live in the middle of nowhere, there are techniques to up your responses. But last time I pulled on this particular piece of string I got lynched by the MN massive! wink

evolucy7 Sun 05-Dec-10 22:24:59

Care to share the techniques for upping responses please?

Niceguy2 Sun 05-Dec-10 22:52:23

Ha ha. What so I can get hung drawn & quartered again?

Well...just little things like making sure each photo says something. Nothing worse than a bunch of photos where in each one you are drunk.

Neither is posting a photo of yourself you took in a mirror or held by yourself. That just says "I have no friends"

Describing yourself as "average" means I'm fat. "could lose a few pounds" means very fat and "overweight" means next..... I've yet to meet a slim woman who describes herself as average.

If you need to lose weight then doing so will prob be the single biggest aid in your search. The truth is ugly but tis the truth. Not saying you can't still pull but it's all about increasing your responses.

Lastly don't bother spending ages writing a perfect profile. Men generally don't care and most prob haven't even read it. Don't believe me? Try asking guys to reply with a specific word to prove they've read it. I bet most won't. We're visual creatures. Having a good personality is essential for a partner.....but we are still suckers for a pretty face!

Shall duck and cover now! grin

BEAUTlFUL Mon 06-Dec-10 10:07:49

Niceguy2 - I LOVE your advice and agree with every word! Sod the nay-sayers, we can get lynched together.

When H wandered off a year ago, the first thing I did was diet/exercise my way down to a size 10, thinking (cynically, but fondly) that being attractive would compensate for a lot of my "baggage". It worked. smile Plus, it's lovely to catch ex H looking wistfully at my arse as I dash off to the gym.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 06-Dec-10 10:09:35

totally agree, too, with the "don't bother writing much" advice. As an experiment, I once put up an ad that was ALL photos, and the profile just said "Hello".

I got loads of replies, with most of the men saying that I sounded "very interesting". hmm

lowercase Mon 06-Dec-10 13:52:18

Niceguy, you should change your name to shallowguy.
men are visual creatures blah, blah, blah.

next you will be telling us you are genetically programmed to have affairs.

heaven forbid you should end up in a fat persons company eh?

very shallow.

and i bet you aint no oil painting yourself.

HappyWithLife Mon 06-Dec-10 13:58:50

LOL @ Niceguy, you do like putting yourself in the firing line don't you? You're a glutton for punishment.

For what it's worth, unfortunately, on dating sites at least, you do have an advantage if you are slim. So many men have on their profiles that they want someone slim/thin/sporty...one bloke even said 'please don't send photos of yourself taken from above to hide your chins'...that wasn't to me BTW! It was in his profile. grin

Niceguy2 Mon 06-Dec-10 18:58:56

For what it's worth, men are often worse. I remember looking at one guy's photo who was obviously overweight, wearing his superman Tshirt and in his profile mentions he doesn't get many replies!?!

Can't think why? wink

And BEAUTIFUL, glad to hear of your experience. As I always say, the best way to get back at your ex is simply be happy.

BEAUTlFUL Mon 06-Dec-10 19:03:46

Happy, and with a perkier arse.

SaggyHairyArse Mon 06-Dec-10 20:44:10

Bwahahahaha!

Not that I want to get back at my ex but I know it kills him when I go out on a date with my new man, slimmer than before and not looking like a worn out shell of a woman.

evolucy7 Mon 06-Dec-10 21:01:47

Niceguy, sounds like honest common sense to me confused

hignfy Tue 07-Dec-10 13:42:49

I went on Match for a while after the ex W left (leaving my dd with me) last year. I thought it would be a waste of time, and was for while it was. However when I specifically searched for women with children, ignoring those who did not, the responses shot up. I kept going with that strategy, and I got lucky.

I figured that a date with a kid would understand that baggage is not so much of a bad thing. People without kids can often be so self-centred, I don't think people realise that until they have a dependant themselves. I also thought we'd have an extra thing in common, be able to support each other a bit, and maybe also enjoy non-romantic playdates as well as dates alone when we could both arrange childcare.

There are of course disadvantages. It's much trickier to spend as much time with your date as you would if you were both without kids, and there are a whole heap of extra considerations if the relationship gets to the point where you want to cohabit. I also got called a MILF-hunter by my mates wink I wonder if there is such a thing as a DILF?

I'm in a relationship now, but would not fear being unattached with a kid again as much as I did last year.

SnowyBlueSmurf Tue 07-Dec-10 13:56:32

I think what Niceguy says makes absolute sense. Lowercase - research has been done to show that men are essentially visual creatures and are initially attracted by how someone looks. I'm just thankful that they don't all go for the blonde bombshell hollywood starlet type! However I'd disagree with NG saying that single mums would prefer to date a man without kids. I'm a single mum and would actually prefer a man to have his own kid(s) already, as then they will understand the pressure that parenting can place on you - in particular not being able to be spontaneous and go out when you want, as you need to organise a babysitter weeks in advance. I feel that single men with no kids won't have the patience or experience to deal with kids and the traumas joys they can bring. Also, some men without kids will see the phrase 'single mum' and assume we are all dole-ites raising delinquents, with our ex causing hassle in the background. And men do not like hassle. Or exes.

In answer to the OP, I think often it's just luck of the draw - sometimes there will be 2 or 3 men interested in you and other times there won't be any. I've done internet dating and learnt a few things that would put me off other people's profiles, so I made sure I never did them. These include:

- Always be positive in your profile. Writing 'I love reading and watching movies in the evenings' sounds much better than 'I don't get out much so watch telly all evening while troughing pringles'.
- Similarly, don't put yourself, or others, down. Don't say anything like 'I'm not much to look at but I'm funny', or like in Niceguys example above, don't mention it if you get very few responses. It just shows you are a/ desperate, b/ have a low opinion of yourself and c/ are hoping to get a sympathy date. Not cool.
- Have a few nice pics taken by a friend, or pick out a few nice, pretty recent ones to put on your profile. I used to have one of me at a wedding (dressed up), one of me in a bikini in the sea (yep, they fell for it!) and one that was more close up. Oh, and I'd recommend not putting pics of your kids on.
- When making first contact with other blokes on the site (as opposed to them contacting you), read their profile and if they say anything at all about not wanting their dates to have kids, don't waste your time bothering with them.

Needless to say, I'm still single! grin Although I've had a few nice dates from it, so keep trying - you never know.

christmaseve Tue 07-Dec-10 14:17:08

I have a profile on POF because I don't want to waste my money on a pay site. I'm not overweight, don't have any drunk pics and don't say much in my profile. I am totally honest about my age, job and being a mum. Get loads of messages and weed them out so only reply to the ones I like the look/sound of.

Still don't have any luck on them. I don't think it's anything to do with having children. grin

QueenofWhatever Tue 07-Dec-10 14:22:14

I was on Match for six months last year and only actually met one guy in RL. I've also spent six months since on Dating Direct (which I got no dates from) and think Match is a lot less sleazy. Overall I've been fairly underwhelmed by what I've got out of these sites. However, I am nowhere near tough enough to go for something like Plenty of Fish.

But I am reasonably fussy (I don't respond to ice breakers or txt spk). I personally prefer men with kids or who have had some form of significant relationship. I'm 41 and a man in my age range (37-52, hmm, maybe not that fussy) who has neither kids or an ex is a bit of a concern for me.

If I'm honest I've been quite surprised by the lack of response, but I hadn't really thought about it as my DD being a show stopper. Many men are slight fantasists 'I'm 42, work as an accountant and am divorced with two kids. WLTM attractive 25-32 year old to start a family with.' Yup, that's what most 27 year olds want.

poshsinglemum Tue 07-Dec-10 14:52:03

I was dying to have kids between those ages! i was just not meeting men who were.

How does this sound?

Cynical old bat seeks rich man with a big wallet and bigger ......

? grin only kidding.

I actually did put this up for a laughfor one evening and got a few winks but have changed it. A bit close to the bone!

Niceguy2 Tue 07-Dec-10 18:51:39

Is the missing word, heart? wink

Mzdemeanourunderthemistletoe Tue 07-Dec-10 19:36:13

I agree with you Queen - I've seen so many profiles with guys in their 40s (late 40s at that) who say they want children - and who say they want to meet women between 18 and 35 ... yup, in your dreams mate!

Also agree with Niceguy that blokes go purely by photo although they don't always believe what they see. I've got a photo that was taken in August but have had men tell me to put up a up-to-date photo when I'm honest about my age - if I lie about my age and knock off a few years, they don't comment ...

And Posh, I think that profile sounds great - may use it myself!

Niceguy2 Tue 07-Dec-10 22:41:25

It does happen....just rare.

I know a guy in his fifties who is now living with his 28yr old GF.

When I was single and about 35, I had a 21yr old express interest. I was very tempted but did the decent thing and didn't take advantage. Took every ounce of self discipline I can tell you! wink

HappyWithLife Tue 07-Dec-10 22:44:27

My exH is 42 and living with a 22 year old hmm

christmaseve Tue 07-Dec-10 22:53:13

A friend of mine is 52 and until recently was living with a 27 yr old woman, they split up though grin.

Some of these men are old and fugley and still think they can pull the younger women. Saying that I've had 22 yrs old interested in me at 49 and not just on the sites hmm

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