Chasing family......what to do?(5 Posts)
None of my family visits me and i am sick of visiting them all the time so my ds see his cousins who are of close age range. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother who each have 2 children. Me and one of my sisters are LPs. We all including my parents live relatively local to each other and we all drive.
I am finding it hard to swallow that they all seem to visit one another without an invite but none of them ever seems to knock on my door. My ds is 6 years old and he has recently been asking me why his cousins dont come to our house so he can play with them. I am wondering why myself.
I dont want my ds growing up thinking he has to be the one going to see his family all the time. I have told my family that i am fed up with doing the chasing and that it isnt fair, all they do is agree with me but nothing seems to change.
Its to a point that its now a chore to see my family and only go there for my ds sake. Can anyone relate?
Absolutely. I decided to stop making the effort and my ds's cousins commented about what a long time it had been since they saw him when we did finally see them. Yes funny that.
After a particularly miserable visit to the zoo when my oldestr nephew's behaviour was so dire and rude (and actually drove me to tears) I said I'd have no more of it. Why was I doing that to myself simply so ds could have a elationship with his cousins when my sister clearly wasn't bothered.
So I was totally fed up of doing all the running, issuing all the invites and never getting any invites or offers in return and people never coming to my house.
I relented for a while (ds is an only child and always asking for company at weekends etc). But this simply led to a big row with my sister and I haven't spoken to her since.
And actually I feel so much better with all that expectation, miserableness at my family's complete lack of effort etc lifted from my shoulders. I no longer stress or worry about why and what I can do to make sure he sees his cousins, and don't feel put upon by being the one bending over backwards to help my sister all the time.
I don't see my family at all now apart from my parents occassionally (but again I still have to drag myself over to theirs). I usually send ds up there on his own now to be honest, he's old enough to walk the 2 minutes to theirs now.
Cutting myself off and stopping the running around and favours for them with nothing in return has been the best thing I did. Ds gets sad sometimes he doesn't see his cousins. But like I said to him we only saw them when we made the effort and it's better to have friends over who invite him back too. And he was getting a bit fed up with my oldest nephew's behaviour too which has helped a little in dealing with the not seeing them.
It is tough, but you need to do what is best for you. And perhaps distancing yourself from them a little will help clarify for you whether they realise and care enough to make some effort, or whether they're just not that bothered, in which case why keep trying.
I agree, I have a few friends with kids of same age range of ds and we take it in turns to visit.
I am even considering spending christmas at home with just me and ds because i am tired of running to family members. But then i feel ds may miss out from his cousins?
I am in the same position as you and I used to get upset about it too. These days I've accepted that it's the way our family works and I've got used to it.
I actually prefer spending time alone with DS now, it's far easier than bickering with cousins or friends and he's allowed to choose exactly what he wants to do rather than compromising because of other childrens' preferences.
Personally I'm much happier not having to entertain children here too - our home doesn't need to be toddler proof any more and I don't like having to keep the place presentable for visitors or having enough food in for them.
Ds and I have christmas on our own at home now. We love it. We do what we like, eat what we like, watch whatever we want on tv, and don't have to consider anyone else in our plans whatsoever.
On boxing day I tend to invite myself to a friend's house. I have invited them here but it's easier to go there tbh as their house is much bigger and she has 2 ds, a dh and her mum with her over xmas. No way I'd squish them all in my house! We stay for dinner and I take the pudding, xmas crackers etc. So ds gets the best of both worlds.
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