Can't admit to anybody that I am struggling

[SingleMumAndProud]

I feel quite depressed. I am no coping well. But as soon as I so much as speak to anybody on the phone I perk up and sound like I am super happy and doing really well etc. I just can't help it! so because everybody thinks I am totally fine, I am not getting the support I am so desperate for.

I split from my husband in July. I am 23 and have a 19 month old and a nearly 3 year old. I just feel that I just want a break. The kids spent their first weekend away at their Dads last week and I spent the whole weekend catching up on housework etc. But I felt I should of been really missing them. When actually I was wishing for an extra day!

The thing I really can't stand is people feeling sorry for me, and people having to watch what they say etc. Which at the moment, they don't feel they need to. But I think that is the main think that makes me pretend to be fine.

Am I the only one??

[harecare]

Don't feel guilty about time off. I had to work weekends away when dd1 was 18 months old and I missed her like crazy. Now I have dd1 3 years and dd2 14 months I am annoyed that my work is cancelled this weekend as last weekend was SUCH a holiday!! - to be working away from home without my dds.
People LOVE to solve problems, so if you admit you're struggling you will find people falling over themselves to help in any way they can. It makes people feel useful and capable to help. I know I'm not the only person in the world who takes pleasure in helping others. Give them the opportunity. You'll be doing them and yourself a favour.

[SingleMumAndProud]

Thanks for the replies

[SingleMumAndProud]

Another problem with tell people, is anytime I have had the slightest moan to my family iv had the "I told you not to move away..." thing from My Mum as I moved away from family, with my husband in April and I don't want to move back (which they disagree with).

[gillybean2]

It is so hard to admit you need help. And I too have been chatting to my parents and have had them say 'it's nice to hear you so well and happy'. Urm what?! Guess I'm putting up a good front them because that isn't how it is at all. SOunding chirrpy is a coping mechanism for me. And there's the fact that it's nice to actually chat to someone so you try and enjoy it so they may talk to you again. If you're always miseable then they're not going to call you..

Admiting it to yourself is a good start. If you can't say it to family and friends can you perhaps try your local surestart centre or health visitor. Just getting out and having someone to talk to can make a big difference. Please try your surestart centre of you can.

[SingleMumAndProud]

Thanks.

WHat can the sure start centre do? There is a children and family centre near me that I go to but I think its just toddler groups etc?

[ANTagony]

My XH left when my two were 1 and 3. Its a tough full on age. The big thing you can get from places like the sure start and toddler groups is meeting other people. Before you know it you'll meet others, maybe even in a similar position, then you may be able to look out for each others children from time to time. We used to watch each others at toddler group sometimes two or three mums would go out, for a coffee or into town, and then the remaining ones would watch the group of kids.

You can also find out about cheap and subsidised creche in the area, we had a really cheap one at the sports centre. They also can help you finding courses if you want to do some more study.

Most of all you find out you're not alone. You don't actually have to tell everyone your personal details to realise this.

It really does get easier as they get a bit older. Suddenly you realise that you're back to drinking cups of tea before they've gone cold and you ask a question of your DC and they give you a proper answer. They start to understand, with a fair bit of encouragement, that they need to help tidy up. You'll find you can leave them play for 10mins and get a bit of ironing done so its not all in a big heap for when you do have occasional you time.

Have you managed to get a nursery place for your 3 year old?

I think the first months are the toughest. Finding yourself when they are so young that they have no grasp of what's going on and the relentless demands of such young children.

My favourite parenting mantra 'what ever it is its a phase'. This early very demanding phase will ease.

[evolucy7]

Hi there, it seems that men realise just how tough it is with 2 very young children and take the easy way out...no stamina. My ex left when my girls were about to turn 1 and 2, they are 12 months apart.

As cliched as it sounds, it does get better, I am 2 1/2 years down the line now, and for a long time at the start I could never have imagined it would get better.

We had moved to a new area 6 months or so before he left, so I didn't have loads of friends around and had to go out and meet other mums and then suddenly he left. I found that people were really nice, and actually the mums that I had met and talked to just a bit, when I opened up one day and said actually I'm not alright, he has left me and the girls and I feel shit, all of a sudden it was the making of the friendships.

I too would have liked to pretend everything was fine, but it wasn't and once I told people who I just chatted to at toddler groups, I was given phone numbers and invites, and no-one was patronising or anything, a lot of them actually said god I wish I didn't have to deal with x y and z from husband.

[SingleMumAndProud]

Thank you so much for that post

Yes DD1 has a nursery place starting Mid Jan. She is meant to be settling in at the moment but its hard as DD2 has her nap at that time and if I were to bring her with me then she would just cry the whole time and it would be a nightmare. So we have just been going when I have somebody to have DD2 which isn't often and I feel like I am missing out on having the DD2 free time but I will do it as much as I can for DD1s sake.

The one person I did feel I could tell was my husband. And he usually would of listened. But he has a new girlfriend and is now too busy to talk to me on the phone . I think that is what has made me feel so down.

[equinox]

I know what you mean about people pitying you my aunt who is on the whole quite a sympathetic listener has recently become quite pitying and it is making me feel worse lol.

However she is very old i.e. 86 and has been a single parent herself with three boys when her husband died so I do admire her.

I am trying desperately hard to focus on the good in my life as I do feel particularly crap at the minute but know it will pass once Xmas mayhem has gone ....!

So what I am trying to say SingleMum is that you are sure to pick up once the festivities have finished and we are into a new year.

Good luck to us all and let's keep the sisterhood going lol.