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H refusing to do the co-parenting "crap"

(17 Posts)
hariboegg Sat 04-Dec-10 18:16:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody Sat 04-Dec-10 18:19:55

Is it just the fact that he has a potty that has made you angry or is this just one of the many things he does that you don't?

FWIW It is OK for childrne if their parents do things differenly, children can cope with having different rules and routines at mummy's house compared with daddy's house.

I don't tihnk a potty is a big deal really, even if your DS doesn't use it with you at home. He doesn't have to use it at his dad's either, but it won't do any harm if he does.

I tihnk you need to choose your battles, for your own sanity. Think about whether or not it will actually effect your DS. If the answer is no, then drop it.

overmydeadbody Sat 04-Dec-10 18:21:28

Consistancy for your DS will be there, even if what you do and what your H do are different.

hariboegg Sat 04-Dec-10 18:27:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 18:28:14

Rise above it.

He's doing it to piss you off. Just re-iterate to your DS every time he uses the potty, what a big, clever boy he is, and he won't want to use the potty at your H's flat.

You can't control how your H treats your DS or how he "parents" him but you can control your response to it. If your H wants to spend his time emptying wee out of a potty, let him have his kicks, the twat.

In the great scheme of things, trust me, this isn't very important. You may have much bigger battles to fight in future and as with parenting, you need to choose your battles carefully. This lack of consistency is annoying, but it's not actually harmful to your DS, so let it go and try not to be annoyed by it. I would have said, "oh well, I'm only telling you that I don't have a potty because it's so nice not to have to empty wee out anymore, but if it suits you to have one, fine. See you tomorrow, have a lovely weekend." Make it very very clear, that you just don't care about this sort of stuff. That way, he doesn't gain control by saying stuff like this, he just looks a bit of a twat.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 18:30:09

Ah, his attitude.

His smirking attitude is like this because he knows he's needled you.

Never, ever let him know that. It gives him control and it encourages him to do it more.

Once he realises he can't play these stupid games with you, he'll stop playing them.

Adopt exactly the same attitude to behaviour with him, as you would with a naughty toddler - ignore the bad and encourage the good.

hariboegg Sat 04-Dec-10 18:34:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 18:37:11

Hmm. Sounds like a lot mroe going on here than just the DS tbh.

He obviously isn't reconciled to it being over, are you?

hariboegg Sat 04-Dec-10 18:40:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 18:44:10

Ah, he's picking up on your grief, hence the winding up and sad face.

Sometimes, you just have to act the way you wish you did feel, until you get to that stage of feeling it for real.

hariboegg Sat 04-Dec-10 18:48:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 19:26:56

Ah well for me it was easy, as XP simply disappeared for 6 months and I had no idea where he was. Then he drifted off to his mother's 200 miles away and he has very little contact, so I don't actually see him that much and it's now a long time ago.

I think you need to accept that the rage and the grief is a stage and you need to work through it for yourself, allow yourself to feel it - but don't let him see you feeling it, because he's going through his own stage and will use whatever hurt you are feeling, to hurt you more.

If you can try and manage to keep it in check while you're in his company, just be civil and friendly if you can manage it, friendly, once you're past this stage you might actually be able to re-make a relationship with him where you can have a civil, reasonalbe co-parenting relationship. It's a long game you're playing and most of the msitakes are made at this early stage - the scene is set now for whether you have years of friction or years of co-operation. And it is incredibly annoying to feel that you're the only one being the adult here, but OTOH, that's why you can't live with him anymore, right? So of course he's going to resort to un-adult behaviour, that's why you're splitting with him - if he were able to be adult at this stage, you might still be together.

HerBeatitude Sat 04-Dec-10 19:28:10

oh and yes, do go to the gym, work off some of that rage and get your body releasing those pheremones and looking great!

NonnoMum Sat 04-Dec-10 19:34:13

My mum would get the potty out even after my 2 year old was toilet trained.

Don't let it get to you...

You keep doing things your way. After all, your child is with you much more, isn't he?

And don't let your XP get to you.

gillybean2 Sun 05-Dec-10 13:17:07

Don't go in his house. Kiss ds goodbye and remind him when you are coming back. Then knock, hand over the bags say a final goodbye and go.

Get yourself a 'handover' book. Keep it in ds's bag. You can write anything in there that is relevant (but keep it factual and don't be emotional or dictate how you think things should be done).

So you might put in there that ds is dropping his afternoon nap but if he needs it then he still has it.
Or that he's teething and may need some calpol and when you last gave some.
Or that he saw the health visitor and his checks were all fine.

Then there's no need to talk to your ex at handover and you barely have to see him and you can say bye and go the second teh door is opened.

Any discussions that may be needed shouldn't be happening in front of your ds. So he was correct that the discussion about the potty couldn't be had now.

I get the sense that you may be looking for a reason to get angry to perhaps release some of that stress and build up emotion inside you. A little thing that wouldn't normally irk you has turned into something much bigger because of your emotional state at this time.
Find other ways to release those feelings and don't give your ex the satisfaction of knowing you 'care' enough to get upset or angry at him.
Shout and yell all you like here or away from him. But don't do it in front of him if you can possibly help it.

NonnoMum Sun 05-Dec-10 18:44:26

Well said, gillybean

QueenofWhatever Mon 06-Dec-10 13:23:53

gillybean2 is right. I do handover once a fortnight and my way of dealing with it is that it's pure acting for five minutes. I'm super cheery, virutally no eye contact with him, big hug, off I go. I can seethe later, it's brilliantly effective. Oh, and it annoys my ex which I confess isn't big and clever, but cheers me up no end.

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