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Ex threatening to take DC's by force

(14 Posts)
NeedHelpInScotland Fri 26-Nov-10 19:43:45

I have already posted this in Chat but was advised to repost it here. Sorry it's a bit long!

Some background;

I split from my DCs dad at the beginning of summer after quite a while of things not being right between us. As I was living far from home with n family support and very few friends (most had moved away) I decided to return to my hometown with the DC. Ex agreed with this and assisted a little with the move etc. Once we were there, he started begging for another chance, and I STUPIDLY agreed to this.

He moved in at beginning of September and it's been hell on earth, within 2 weeks he managed to alienate all my family and friends and whilst they were all still there to help and support me and the DCs no-one would come to the house etc and I felt almost as isolated as I had before I moved!

Incident upon incident on top of that led me to tell Ex that it wasn't working and I asked im to leave. The house is solely in my name. Over the past few weeks he has flitted between saying he is going, he's not going, he is going (and so on) citing various reasons such as he paid for the 6 months rent paid upfront (he did not), he had nowhere else to go (not entirely true he has his mum), and that if he moved back he would hardly see the DCs (he never does anything with them or interacts with them anyway). He is a total cocklodger (but no sex involved) and I just wanted him out asap but was unwilling to actually see him on the street.

Anyway for about the last week he has sat 24/7 on the internet using adult dating sites, then out the blue said on Weds that he would be leaving on Friday (today) so I presume he managed to get someone to agree to meet him

So today I phoned JSA to enquire about payments that haven't been made for the last 6 weeks and was told a giro was sent to Ex at the weekend. So he got the giro, cashed it and kept all the money. It was a joint claim with him as lead claimant. I text him about it as he was on his way back to his mums and since then I've had numerous abusive texts and phone calls threatening to come straight back and take my DCs away etc.

I will be arranging to see a solicitor on Monday and also contacting police to report the threats but I'm still really worried and actually quite scared.

Does anybody know if he can do this? As he does have PR and there is no court order in place, can he just turn up and take my DCs? Even if this is done by force? I wouldn't put it past him to do that. He wouldn't care about upsetting them either. And I KNOW he doesn't want custody of the DCs he is purely doing and saying these things to get to me and to scare me.

Any replies/advice/help/support most appreciated. Thank you x

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 26-Nov-10 19:47:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspickles Fri 26-Nov-10 19:47:59

Ring the police straightaway if he tries to take them (how old are they?). If he is disturbing the peace by trying to take them by force then hopefully they will intervene. Also report the threat now, although he has PR, if the threat is logged hopefully they will take it more seriously. If he actually takes the children you will need a court order to get them back, can he get into your house at the moment? Can you go elsewhere for the weekend. Make sure you keep all his texts/messages to show the solicitor on Monday. If you have any voicemails from him, if they will be deleted off your phone by Monday, write down an actual transcript of the voicemails in the meantime. Also make a note of the calls etc that he has madae when he has spoken to you, times etc and what he said to keep it fresh in your mind. Then you can give the solicitor a copy of all the messages on Monday.

mrspickles Fri 26-Nov-10 19:48:51

Oh, just seen you are in Scotland. Based my advice on English law, I don't know if anything would be different in Scotland, sorry.

NeedHelpInScotland Fri 26-Nov-10 19:59:28

stewie yes I will be doing just that.

mrspickles They are 5, 3 and 2. He can't get into my house, he has no keys (that I know of) and I have bolted them inside. My mum wants me to go to her but he will only try there. My uncles are only 5 mins away if I need them and I'm not far from Police Station.

It's more that I'm worried about him trying to take them from school and nursery. I can have his name removed from the authorised pick up list but as he has PR would I be able to do this? And would it even make a difference?

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 26-Nov-10 20:01:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspickles Fri 26-Nov-10 20:03:37

what stewiwgriffinsmum said. you could keep them off school monday while you see a lawyer.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 26-Nov-10 20:08:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedHelpInScotland Fri 26-Nov-10 21:55:53

Thank you both x

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 27-Nov-10 09:12:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinkle1010 Sat 27-Nov-10 09:53:18

Hope you are ok. You have had lots of good advice I just wanted to make sure that you and your children are ok.

NeedHelpInScotland Sat 27-Nov-10 23:36:22

It was okay, he's still 250 miles away but has told me today that he will be coming on Tues. He has been his usual threatening and abusive self.

I am going to Police and Solicitor on Monday and I have looked at Womens Aid Website so thank you so much for that advise, I didn't really consider it DV as he doesn't hit me but now I think differently.

I am also going to discuss injunctions with solicitor as he is threatening to move his things back in. I have no intention of allowing him into my house.

Thanks again smile

StuffingGoldBrass Mon 29-Nov-10 00:26:56

You can get injunctions in place against a man like this pretty quickly. Report and document everything - you should be able to get a non-molestation order and contact between him and DC restricted to a contact centre so he can't abduct them. Right now, and until you have seen your solicitor, do not engage with him, don't answer the phone or the door, if he emails you respond once with 'You will be hearing from my solicitor, do not contact me.' If he does turn up and cause a disturbance, you can call the police to come and remove him.

NeedHelpInScotland Sun 05-Dec-10 01:25:57

Stuffing I've only just seen your post.

I spoke to a solicitor on Tuesday, we discussed PR, threat of abduction, what to do if I allowed contact and he refused to return the DCs etc and I felt a bit more secure HOWEVER every day he has text/left voice mails accusing me of preventing him from speaking to the DC on the phone. I have not done this at all, I have spent the week doing school/nursery drop offs/pick ups, getting food shopping, sorting out benefits, ferrying DCs to different appointments and activities etc etc. All with no car and in bloody treacherous walking conditions. BUT he expects me to be available the minute he decides he wants to phone. When I return his call at the first opportunity he doesn't even speak to the DCs but instead uses it as an opportunity to be abusive and threatening. He has stopped sending it in text messages after I told him I was saving them. I know he is an impatient person and expects everyone to dance to his tune so I initially thought it might be that he is winding himself up when he cannot immediately get in touch with me but it's exactly the same if I answer the phone on the first ring. Am I wrong to think that he's not even that interested in the DC or having custody of them but is using this to get at me, hurt me and frighten me? Can a person be so sick?

I asked the solicitor about injuctions, she said to try to establish some regular contact with him and the DC, (obviously difficult as he is 250 miles away) and that his behaviour was probably a result of it being a very recent split and him being angry with me. So OK I agree and he has the right to feel anger, hurt or whatever but surely that doesn't give him the right to act in such a way towards me? Do I have no rights then?

I have been documenting everything, my mum is coming to the police station with me in the morning to report this and seek advice.

The solicitor didn't seem keen to do much in the way of preventing harm to me or abduction of the DCs. I'm going to go back to her on Monday, this time with my mum as obviously I'm not getting my point across strongly enough (and she will grin.

Tonight he called, my mobile was on silent as had returned from a birthday party with DC1 and I forgot. I had 9 missed calls (all in the space of 5 mins) and a text saying "when can I speak to all my girls", I called back gave the phone to DC1, she was trying to tell him about her visit to Santa this morning and birthday party this afternoon, I could hear him saying "put mummy on the phone" over and over and eventually she got fed up of him not listening and talking over her and handed me the phone. Then I got abuse about a text my mum had apparently sent to someone saying we had split and she is overjoyed about it. Now that is undoubtably how she does feel but not something she'd likely do, the only people to have a connection with both EX and my mum is my Dad and Step-mum. Turns out he had phoned my Dad 10 minutes earlier bleating down the phone about how he really loves me and I won't talk to him etc. WTF why call my Dad? I'm 34, what's he going to do? Ground me? Order me to go back? Also, my dad says this is untrue and he did not say this or anything close to it to EX.

I don't know why I'm posting all this, I feel like my head is all over the place and I'm trying to make sense of it all but I just can't. And I'm trying to work out if it's me. Am I the problem, or causing the problems, am i being deliberately difficult and unreasonable? Because he's really got me starting to think that I am.

I won't be answering the phone/door/e-mails from now on. During this evenings call he told me he will be coming up "sometime" in the week, him and me will be sitting down to have a "talk" and if things don't go exactly as he wants them to, or he doesn't get what he wants, then I am in for the "shock of my life" and he's going to "have the DC off me and in fact may just remove them from me there and then". He said I can call the police etc and they won't do anything as it's all perfectly legal.

Problem was that my DD1 heard this, afterwards she went upstairs and told her sister about it and that he was coming to take them away and they'd never see mummy again, and they were discussing hiding places for themselves for when he comes and where they will hide DD3 from him sad They are 5,3 and 2 FFS they shouldn't be subjected to this and thinking that way! I feel like such a bloody failure that as a mother my DC should feel safe with me. And they don't.

I am SO sorry that this has been such a long post and if you got the end of it, well I salute you.

Thanks again for previous advice x

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