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I can't seem to get on with my mum-AIBU??

(12 Posts)
northernrock Fri 26-Nov-10 15:32:35

Ok, so it's kind of an AIBU but I am putting it in this topic because I am a lone parent, and it seems more relevant to Lone parents..

Basically, I split up with my son's dad when I was up the duff, which was a good thing, and moved back to the same town as my parents (mum, dad and step-mum) when ds was about one.

I moved here basically because at the time the ex was no real help at all, and I worried all the time about getting flu, or something happening and having no real support.

So, after 10 years of being away, I am now living ten minutes from my mum. Its been 3 years now, and we have just had another argument. I seem to become an angry teenager when I am around her, and often behave really badly.

I have thought a lot about this, and I think it's because my mum and I never had a good relationship since I was a teenager.

She has always been very critical and since having my son I have found her really undermining and controlling.

The thing is, the things that get my goat are all quite small things:

She told me when ds was born that she wanted my ex's parents address so she could thank them for the flowers they had sent me. I told her this was unnecessary, meaning I would handle it myself, and she said, really over dramatically "they are his grandparents too! They have a right to be involved!" er...

She wrote in the family medical history my son's red book when I left it on her kitchen table. When I objected, saying she should have just told me about her dad's ashma and I would have done it she acted like I was being unreasonable.

She had been buying him clothes all the time.I love getting presents for my son,but she doesn't just buy presents.
For ages his entire wardrobe was bought by her. She will buy his socks and underpants. It's like, I love buying his clothes, but if she buys them all I can't really justify spending the money.
I tried to point out to her that when she does this she is taking the fun job away from me, and she just couldn't see my point at all. She said "fine. I won't ever buy himk anything" Grrr!

When we first moved here she would let herself into my house and leave things like bin liners on my kitchen table.

I know all these things seem tiny, but how it feels is that she doesn't think I am a competent, responsible parent, able to look after my child properly, or build relationships with my son's grandparents.

The trouble is, also, I am actually quite dependent on her, as she is the only person who will ever have my son overnight at her house.
This used to be about every three weeks or so,(always with her offering-if I asked she would be funny about it) but now she never offers and I feel like I can't ask.

So, I have no social (sex!) life, I never ever get a lie in, and our relationship just is not improving.
I think I really hate having to be bloody grateful all the time, and my resentment is making it worse. I wish I had the balls to just move away but I dont yet.

What should I do????
(If you managed to get to the end of this you get a gold star !)

hariboegg Fri 26-Nov-10 16:14:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hariboegg Fri 26-Nov-10 16:20:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northernrock Fri 26-Nov-10 16:39:30

Hi Haribo
I have calmed down a bit now! Yes, I was a bit happier when I lived far away from my family, but I guess a lot of it is down to me feeling like I have lost a lot of my independence.
It is a thing peculiar to LP'S that you can find yourself as an adult being sort of dependant on your parents.
Knowing you are actually lucky to have them doesn;'t always help!
My dad died last year, but my step mum does usually take my son out for a couple of hours on Saturdays. She won't have him overnight but she will babysit once in a while, so that's good.
She works still as well, so i don't expect loads of help from her.
I don't think my mum is abusive though..confused

evolucy7 Fri 26-Nov-10 17:00:18

I know what you mean I have moved back to 5 mins away from my parents since becoming a lone parent, although we were only about 25 mins away before! Does your mum buy things etc to think that she is helping you, I know that my parents do this, and when my mum offers advice that I may disagree with she might kind of do what your mum has said as if I am completely ungrateful and she won't help at all lol! Perhaps it isn't that she thinks you're incompetent, but as her child she wants to help you, I don't think that motherly instinct can be pushed aside very easily even when you are an adult.
To some extent I think this might be how a lot of mother daughter relatiosnhips work, especially when there are grandchildren.
I try my best to stand back a little if it is happening, and just a short break can set it back on track.
I don't know what to suggest about babysitting, if it's not that often I don't see it as being dependent on her, grandparents babysit for married couples too.
But anyway, I think this happens up and down the country and years ago you would all have lived in the same house/street anyway and families all helped each other like this. smile

hariboegg Fri 26-Nov-10 17:01:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northernrock Fri 26-Nov-10 17:21:02

I guess that's true about the babysitting evolucy.
Maybe it's because I have always been an LP that sometimes I forget that grandparents are involved quite a lot sometimes.
I get the fear that I am not being independant enough.
But, yeah, my friend just told me that she and her brother spent every Friday night at their Nan's when they were kids, and her parents were married.

Oh it is definitely that she wants to help. It's just always on her terms-when I first moved here she kept offering to go to Tesco for me and do my shopping.
What I really really wanted was for her to take the baby I had been with for a year 24/7 and let me go shopping on my own!(bliss!)
I think I am being unreasonable in a lot of ways. I will try and be more mature (hard though it is.)

Haribo, I am sorry your relationship with your mum sounds really tough.
I think when you get into the arena of bullying texts the best thing you can do is ignore ignore ignore. And drink copius amounts of red wine.

How do single parents who don't drink wine manage btw??

happybubblebrain Fri 26-Nov-10 22:53:35

Hi, I sometimes drink wine, maybe once a month, I manage with hobbies, chocolate and TV. My family are very difficult so I think I'm lucky not to live near them. I haven't had a night out or any help for a very very long time, but I prefer that to the alternative. I'm far too independent to be undermined or controlled by anyone.

Northernrock I think you should write your mum a really nice constructive letter, explain how you feel and hope it does the trick.

gillybean2 Sat 27-Nov-10 09:17:38

I don't drink, red wine or otherwise. I do chocolate instead! grin

northernrock Sat 27-Nov-10 14:58:35

Ok, now I feel like an alkie grin
Chocolate is good too.

I don't know happy bubble. I think I will just try and be as casual and polite as possible, because at the end of the day I know my mother is never going to see my side of it, and I will drive myself crazy.

My sister(who lives in another town) suggested getting into a babysitting circle, which sort of annoyed me as it's not that easy to do as a LP is it?
I mean its easy when they are babies-you just take them with you to babysit, but who would babysit my four year old while I babysat for someone else! (My sister didn't really get this..)

I do have one good friend who has a son my sons age. Sometimes I have her ds for a couple of hours while she does something with her baby, which is fine with me although he is , shall we say, quite a handful.

She would be willing to babysit for me on an evening in exchange for a daytime one from me, I am sure, but she has a lot on her plate at the moment as she is still BF'ing etc.
Also she goes to bed at ten, so I don't think I could really roll in late!

Telling myself that I wont always live here, I will have more money soon, and maybe even a proper boyfriend, so I am sure things will change for the better.

Happybubble-is there anyone at all in your life you could get to babysit, or exchange childcare with?

northernrock Sat 27-Nov-10 14:59:01

where's my smiley!!??

happybubblebrain Sat 27-Nov-10 22:57:27

Of course things will change for the better. grin That's my first smiley ever.

I'm optimistic. I think my dd's childhood will pass in a flash and I'll have freedom back again soon, so I don't really mind about never going out. I love going out doing fun things with my daughter more than I ever enjoyed sitting in a pub with friends. It's far more diverse and interesting.

I don't have anyone who could babysit, but I've learnt there is no point in wanting something you can't have, it only makes you more miserable. Wanting and appreciating the things you do have makes life great.

It probably is better to just leave it with your mum then, and just ignore the comments; don't dwell on them or take them personally. smile

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