Ex's visits are a nightmare, now he's threatening me

[Marissa1984]

I always get in a state when my ex husband wants to see our son, and today has really done it for me

He left when ds was just 4 weeks old, that was nearly 9 weeks ago now. He didn't say why he was leaving and lied about the circumstances - which turned out to be that on the day he left he had a flat viewing with his female best friend and that the pair of them planned it all without him discussing anything with me, he just came home to pack, and he is now in a relationship with this person.

After issues with his time off work we had agreed he could visit Saturdays from 12-4pm as this was the only day he's available and ds is still breastfeeding so he can't have him for the whole day. No sooner had we agreed the arrangements, which included meeting at the cinema for the hand-overs so that we're in a neutral place, he said this week and next week would have to be friday visits.

I had a HV appointment today, booked a month in advance, I warned my ex that we may be late and said I would send him a text when we were on our way. The HV left at 12:15 and I sent him a text to say I was just getting ds ready and would leave in 10 mins, and before I could get him out of the door my ex showed up. He moaned that it was his time he was losing out on and I explained that rather have him get shirty with me he could have ds until 4:30pm to make up for the lost time.

I had forgotten my dad was visiting at 4:30pm and had struggled through town carrying boxes as I'm packing to move house, so being knackered and double booked I rang my ex to ask him to drop ds at my house, only a 10 min walk from the cinema. He just said "no" and I asked him to do it as a favour and he just said he had to rush off somewhere. Due to his lack of compromise (a common occurrence) I got angry, asking if he was rushing off to the pub with his gf like he's done before, and pointed out how he often turned up more than 10 mins late for visits and left me waiting in a restaurant for 2 hours one day when he said he was coming and didn't turn up. I explained why I needed him to drop ds off at my house and he said "no, we agreed to meet at the cinema" so I reminded him that we agreed saturday visits and that I had gone out of my way to accommodate all his visitation requests and was only asking his for 10 mins of his time.

This carried on for a few mins before an argument broke out, he threatened to not let me take ds home and I just lost it saying I was adamant he'd cheated on me whilst I was pregnant (as he's now sleeping with his flatmate, and during my pregnancy had been spending all his time with her and not coming home). This is why I had asked him to bring a "chaperone" earlier this week as I didn't want to see him and get upset or argue, every time I see him I feel like my heart is being broken all over again. Last month I had to endure the 10 yr anniversary of when we met on my own whilst he cosied up with his new gf and next weekend is our 1st wedding anniversary, so I am finding this all very hard as I don't know what I want anymore and I can't just switch off my feelings for him, I love him but I hate him at the same time. I feel like I'm doing all the hard work bringing up our son and he does nothing yet still gets to play dad during his visits.

He got very aggressive, threatened to break my legs and said I'd be lucky to make it to Xmas, then said he would go to court over visitation rights - although I hadn't said anything at all about changing or stopping his visits - and told me to meet him at the cinema at 4:30pm as agreed then put the phone down on me and wouldn't answer when I rang back. Next thing I know he is on my doorstep over an hour early, with ds in his pram, I open the door he pushes the pram in and starts shouting at me about visitation rights, steps into my house, leans into the pram to kiss ds and when he stepped back I went to push the pram further into the room and he squared up to me pointing his finger in my face screaming about me trying to stop him seeing his son - at which point I had still not even said this - and I shouted at him to get out of my house and to stop threatening me as in all honesty I was scared of what he might do and wanted my neighbours to hear in case something happened. I reminded him of the threat to break my legs which he of course denied, I warned him that if he wants to go through the courts that it was a very bad idea to threaten me. He carried on hurling abuse and as he walked off said he was going to kill me so in a very shaken state I told him he couldn't see our son again and quickly shut the front door, which he then walked back to and kicked.

I fully admit I antagonised him but I panicked and I was scared, upset and alone. I already decided to not tell him my new address when I move, I blocked him on my facebook, and I considered changing my numbers but didn't because I felt we should be able to contact each other regarding visits and in case of emergencies.

I am frightened he will take my son for a visit and not bring him back, I'm frightened that he might assault me as he has done this before, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm worried about what access the courts would give him, I would rather he didn't take ds off on his own, and I don't want to have to see him any more as I find it too hard to deal with. I don't think he would agree to mediation as he won't ever compromise or be reasonable so I feel I'm stuck in a rut. If I try to stop him from seeing ds I don't know what he might do but I feel like if this is the way he's going to behave around our son then perhaps its best he doesn't see him, I don't want him to pick up on mummy being upset or to hear daddy screaming at mummy. My ex is also a heavy drinker, I would consider him an alcoholic as he doesn't go a day without a drink often drinking 4 cans a night, and often gets aggressive when drunk. I'm not aware that he has been drinking before or during visits but I am concerned that he might in the future and do not want ds to encounter this, as I worry that he might lash out at ds in the same way he does to me. I just want ds to be happy and in a safe environment, I'm moving house to get us more space and a better garden, I want the best for him and I am wondering whether he is safe around my ex who seems to be spiralling out of control.

Should I cut contact for my son's safety and wait to hear from the court (if he actually has the balls to involve them) in case they can actually offer a helpful solution or give my ex the benefit of the doubt and trust he will behave around our son?

[BerryLellow]

Oh god how awful for you :(

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but I think in your position now I'd be ringing the police, I don't think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

His violent reactions show a worrying lack of self control, IMO. Sounds a bit like he wants control of you, rather than fair access to his son.

Best wishes

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

Call the police DV unit, call WOmen's Aid and stop all contact with this man. Get a restraining order to keep him away from your house and forbid him to phone you - all contact issues to be discussed via a solicitor (and contact to be in a contact centre only).

You are so well rid of him! He's a tosspot who doesn't want to see his DS, he wants to harass you. There is no point in trying to be reasonable with men like this: just hit him hard, legally, with everything possible and keep him away. Then you can move on.

[whiteandnerdy]

OK, personally 9 weeks isn't a long time in terms of ending a relationship and acting reasonably. Again from personal experiance when a relationship finally comes off the rails it takes hell of a long time before the train wreaks itself and finally comes to a rest, and you'll be able to actually climb out of the wreckage. Also found the blame game is fairly pointless, who left who, who's fault and all that doesn't really give anyone the moral authority to act like a twat. Yet I'm sure both you and the ex will (it's just human nature).

Personally I made such an appalling job of my train crash of a relationship I wouldn't want to dispence anything that remotely sounds like advice, just hope and wish the best of luck that both mother and farther can quickly move on and focus on what is important their relationships with and the well being of the child.

[Marissa1984]

It's not the first time people have suggested he's trying to control me rather than have fair access. I have felt at times that that's what he's trying to do.

I don't want my son to grow up unhappy for not having a dad or to be unhappy with me for not letting them see each other, I can't be sure that he would lose it with his own child but I'd rather not take the risk as I know his father was violent towards him, he was also a drinker, and he seems to use his unhappy childhood as an excuse for his behaviour.

Just to make me feel even worse he's been bitching about paying child maintenance as I have involved the CSA because he hasn't paid me a penny since a week before he left us, and I've come across a conversation he had with a friend of ours on facebook saying he's looking to get another dog to keep his dog company, from a shelter that charges over £100 to rehome a dog! He can't look after himself let alone a dog, and I really don't think he should be getting another one, and now he's going to find all this money for a new dog when he doesn't support his own son, it makes me sick. I can't believe he claims to love our son yet gives him nothing, doesn't provide for him at all, and now he's going to buy another dog, another mouth to feed.

Where can I get info about contact centres? My Sister-in-law has been very supportive and suggested getting supervised visits but I have no idea where to start.

[CubaCat]

Hi, I couldn't read your post and not reply. What he is doing is violent and abusive. I agree with Sparkling above - you need to call the police and tell them what you've said above, print the thread out if need be (or at least your post) in case you forget to tell them something or get upset and can't get the words out. Ask for a domestic violence officer to come out on the visit. I agree about getting a restraining order too, as this man has threatened to break your legs and kill you. That's, he has threatened to kill you. Seriously, what more incentive do you need than to go down the police/restraining order route?! Your safety and that of your child is paramount. Don't think of his feelings in this at all - you need to protect yourself and your baby. Please do it now, at least call the police and start the ball rolling, as I'm not sure you can get a restraining order at the weekend but the police will tell you what to do next.

WRT him not paying maintenance but getting another dog, I suggest you print off the page which shows the conversation you mention on FB and also print off the info about how much these dogs cost. Then ring the CSA and tell them you are posting them info to show he can afford a dog but won't pay maintenance and can they progress the case ASAP or you will go to your MP (I went to mine and it gives them a real kick up the arse!). There is a phrase the CSA use when talking about how a non-resident parent claims they can't afford to pay maintenance but can afford to pay for other stuff - called something like lifestyle not aligned with income - they will know proper phrase, but this helps them see he can afford non-essential outgoings, so he should be paying maintenance.

As for still loving him, well it's understandable as it's such a short time ago that he left, but quite frankly I don't understand how anyone can love a man that behaves this way. Think yourself lucky - the other woman has to deal with his shit now, not you. My ex left me for someone else when I was 4 months pg, and it was hard to go through but the fact is I'm lucky to be free of him and he's someone else's problem now.

Please keep us updated.

[Meglet]

The local womens aid or police DV unit should be able to help you re: contact centres. Ours had a long waiting list (about 3 months IIRC) and XP never turned up. As I suspected he just wanted to abuse me and the dc's and couldn't have cared less about seeing them. The people running the contact centre were lovely and they said they had it all down in writing that he hadn't turned up. He pays through the CSA and that's it.

Don't give your X another chance to abuse you.

[SparklingExplosionGoldBrass]

WhiteAndNerdy: So did you push your way into your XW's house and threaten to break her legs and kill her? Did you refuse to pay any maintenance, threaten to take the DC away from your XP and yet buy yourself expensive treats?
There's 'unreasonable' behaviour when a relationship breaks up (crying, writing stupid things on Facebook, drinking too much and boring your friends half to death) and there's abusive behaviour.

[BerryLellow]

What SGB said.

Please be strong OP.