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my little boy keeps asking about his dad

(8 Posts)
babyma Wed 17-Nov-10 12:04:03

Help!!! I need some advice, i have a 3 year old little boy, i have brought him up alone for the past 2 years his dad is polish and went back to poland. I had been seeing this guy and he is the first man i have ever introduced to my little man, i was only seeing hime for 3 months and he ended it. My little boy really liked him. The other day he said i love my mummy and i love my daddy, i asked him who is daddy was and he said my ex, i tried to explain he is not his dad. He is getting to age now where he is curious and asking questions not really sure how to handle it????

hariboegg Wed 17-Nov-10 12:10:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babyma Wed 17-Nov-10 13:19:11

yeah i have been in contact with him but to be honest he is a complete loser and he is better off without him in his life

paddlingagainstthetide Wed 17-Nov-10 15:27:41

This is why I'd always recommend to lone parents not to introduce partners to their children until the relationship is stable. It's so confusing for young children to have father figures coming in and out of their lives.

I wouldn't chase up your son's dad - if he is abroad and unlikely to make an effort with contact then it could be heartbreaking for your boy to be rejected again. What your child needs now is stability so I would just focus on your relationship with him and with family members who will definitely stick around.

Eventually your boy is likely to forget about your ex, at his age I would just say that he doesn't have time to visit any more rather than get into the complexities of relationships.

hairytriangle Wed 17-Nov-10 17:35:10

Whether or not you think he's a loser you owe it to your son to stay at least neutral and to allow contact if it's possible

gillybean2 Wed 17-Nov-10 18:16:06

If he's at nursery he'll definitely be hearing/seeing dad's about and be wondering where his is. Even just tv and books will talk about dads. SO you do need to think about how you will address this.

When my ds was small I would tell him that of course he has a father, but that he lives a long way away in another country. He accepted that and when his friend's asked where his dad was he'd simply reply with that.

As he got older I had to explain that 'daddy' had decided he wasn't ready to be a dad and that's why we didn't live together and why he didn't write etc, but that I love him very much and so does grandma and grammy and his aunties etc...
He told me once he was sad he didn't know what his dad looked like. And so I showed him pictures and also pictures of his paternal grandparents and aunty.

Another time he asked me what he did to make his dad not like him. And I said that his dad had never met him so how could he have done anything wrong. And i made it clear it was his father's decision to leave because he didn't want to be a dad yet.

It is very hard to know what to saym and can be heartbreaking when you hear things like that from them. But truthful (but age suitable) honesty without hostility or blame and lots of reassurance is the best way to go I believe.

babyma Wed 17-Nov-10 20:15:12

Thanks for all your advice, i have tried to have a good relationship with his dad but I know he will let him down and I have always tried to do what is best for my son and right now not seeing him is best. I definalty feel clearer now about how to approach the situation.

Thanks xxx

girliefriend Wed 17-Nov-10 20:27:16

I found a good book on Amazon called 'Do I have a Daddy?' which when my dd gets upset or I am struggling to find the right words does help as a conversation starter if nothing else. It is hard, my dd has no contact with her dad as he wished to not be involved at all, and as a single mum with a young child it is also hard to find and start a new relationship. I agree with def focusing on the people who are around and who do love him.

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