If your former partner sees your children...(8 Posts)
...can I ask how often, and how you arrange it?
Husband left 2.5 months ago - we're starting to discuss access in the New Year, when we've agreed that the children can spend the weekend with him (he moved in with the other woman).
He's desperate for them to stay with him. I think he misses them, and although I'm not particularly bothered about making his life better, the children (who are 3 and 5) miss him a lot, and are looking forward to spending more time with him.
At the moment, he's been having them for one day at the weekend, with the occasional weekend at his parents. He is desperate for equal time with them at the weekend, and realistically he has every right to that, regardless of how I feel.
So, how do you organise it? I'm thinking perhaps he would have them for a weekend (Fri evening to Sunday afternoon), I would have them the following weekend, and then the third weekend he would have them for one day and possibly one night, and I would have the rest. He lives close by, so there's no issue with handovers etc.
For me, that seems more palatable than the alternative, which would be alternate weekends. It's the same amount of time, but I don't think I'm ready to be without them every other weekend. On the other hand, if that's going to be confusing for them I will think again.
Would really appreciate any thoughts, plus any advise on how to deal with the child-shaped hole that is suddenly going to appear in a large number of my weekends...
I live close to my ex too, but my kids are much older (11 and 13). They stay there each Thursday and Friday, plus alternate Saturdays. I either pick up Saturday or Sunday lunchtime. He has a girlfriend but they refuse to have anything to do with her and she doesn't live there (as far as I know!)
It works well for us. We have also perfected the art of dropping the girls off without seeing each other
DC are 4 and 5
Ex sees them every wednesday evening here ( I often pop over to my neighbours for a coffee)
Every other saturday night and every sunday from 9am - he brings them back and settles them into bed.
Also he will pop round ad hoc if the Dc want to see him or want to show him something, but he is only 5 mins round the corner so it makes it easy.
Helps that we are amicible.
Really though whatever works for you and ex is the way to go, in my opinion there is no certain way these things should be done.
In answer to the last part of your OP,
You will find the time goes quickly, I see friends for coffee of catch up for drinks in the evening, without having to rush back for a babysitter.
Walking, cinema, reading a book without interuption are all blessings when no small children are about - I had forgotten how much I enjoy these activities.
I would try and set a regular routine though as it does help the DC to know a "pattern" of sorts - but you can be flexible with it.
Occasionally ex has had just one DC overnight so we each get some quality time with one DC
I think it's easier for the children to be at one or the other each weekend, than to be confused by that mixed weekend. That's not to say you can't be flexible if one of you has other plans etc
One thing I think it helps to get sorted is that if it's Dad's weekend (or vice versa) and they are going out without the children would you rather he asked you first if you are free/want to have them or would you prefer he just organises a baby sitter. If you don't have a clear understanding on this, it does seem to cause a lot of (unnecessary) grief.
Can he arrange work so that he finishes early one night and pickes them up from school (wherever the younger one is) and they have dinner with him then home for bed. I think it's good for them to see him mid-week when possible.
mine (8 and nearly 5 now - been separated nearly 3 years) stay with their dad tue evening (he picks them up around 5.15pm and then takes them to school wed morning) and alternating 5.15 fri - 4.30 sat or 4.30 sat - 6.30 sun every weekend.
Both parents working to a point that they feel both their contributions to raising the child are equal, is fairest. Of course you never get there urrrrrrgh!
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