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help ex ruining my life

(10 Posts)
toody Mon 15-Nov-10 01:01:38

went to see solicitor about limiting ex access to son was told ball in my court i can decide when he should see him he never wanted much to do with son now i told him i have new partner suddenly wants son more know this is just to spite me but i am worried can he do this, also his texts can be nasty sometimes i feel intimidated can i tell him he can only text once day to ask about son, i just feel so confused and worried all the tme he is ruining my life speaking to solicitor tomorrow but can't sleep tonight.

Rollercoasteryears Mon 15-Nov-10 14:08:46

Hi toody, hard luck, it sounds like a miserable position to be in. I'm a family solicitor and am happy to give you the following thoughts that spring to my mind.

First a question: how old's your son?

I assume you don't have any formal agreement or court order about your ex's contact with your son in place at the moment?

If you have a formal agreement or a court order, then no he can't just suddenly start demanding to see your son more. If he wants to vary an existing agreement or order, he has to go through the proper channels (i.e. your solicitor or apply to court).

If there's no agreement or Court order in place, then it's up to you and your ex to try to agree contact. If you can't agree and you don't want to him to have as much contact as he wants, then he'd have to apply to Court to get a court order for contact. The Court would firstly try to help the two of you to agree contact arrangements, but if you can't, there would eventually be a hearing to decide what contact your ex should have, based on what the Court considers to be in your son's best interests, having heard evidence from both of you. The history of his contact so far and his relationship with your son would be relevant e.g. if he's historically not shown any interest and only popped over for an afternoon every few weeks, the Court isn't going to suddenly decide he should see your son for two nights every other weekend, although they might decide a slow increase in contact is appropriate.

I think it's completely reasonable to tell him he can only text you once a day (I'm assuming your son is too young to speak to him on the phone or text himself?) and to ask him to keep any abuse or personal comments out of the texts. You could confirm that if he ever needs to know anything about your son over and above the one text, you will contact him if necessary. In the meantime, I strongly suggest you keep all the texts he sends you, as they could prove very valuable evidence of his behaviour and attitude towards you if this did ever go to Court - even if it didn't, a solicitor may well want to refer to them in a strong letter to your ex.

Hope that's of some help and good luck.

BeauticianNotMagician Mon 15-Nov-10 14:18:52

Hi Toody i am going through similar with my ex.My solicitor suggested a contact book so once ex and i had decided on contact arrangements i have blocked his number from my mobile.He can contact me on my home phone only if absolutely necessary.Instead we now have a book which we write in if any changes need to be made to contact or if ds's require medication etc.It's also useful as if he writes anything abusive in it i can just photocopy it as evidence.

I will be moving after christmas as its the only one unfortunately i will ever be truely free from exp.

BeauticianNotMagician Mon 15-Nov-10 14:19:06

only way

toody Tue 16-Nov-10 01:19:13

Thank you particularly rolloercoasteryears, i am toodys mum and very worried about her as she is so scared about ex seeing son who is 23mths agreement was between themselves allthough solicitor today is going to write to him to say access will stay the same she says its up to him to get solicitor to pursue more access and general opinion is it is very expensive and he wouldn't be able to afford it.Also he has to prove that he can look after son my daughters argument for him not having more acees come from him not wanting anything to do with baby when lived with us, rarely fed him rarely played some days when came home didn't acknowledge son, refused to have daughter or son in same room in evening he needed his space, when son hurt head had to go to A &E,ex didn't want to come, two months ago son 21mths sent to A&E with very high temp rang ex replied do i have to come it means getting dressed, only sees son at mums has no idea how to look after him. Both my daughter and i feel we can't take much more solicitor tells us daughter is right she is over the moon but then he starts texting and she is in the depths of despair again.

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:27:55

Change your mobile number and buy a cheap pay as you go phone and either use . Give him pay as you go number, then only switch it on when you need to contact him at short notice. Other than that ALL communication goes through your solicitor. Get solicitor to write to him explaining this. He'll stop harrassing when this happens. He'll probably stop asking about access too, but then he's only interested in getting a reaction from you anyway.

It's hard but you can stop him having such an effect.

toody Tue 16-Nov-10 01:34:40

Thank you as Toodys mum being a lot older i know your right I sit here crying because i feel so useless she is my baby even though she is a woman with her own child and i don't know how to help her and mums always make things better but this time i don't know how.

TechLovingDad Tue 16-Nov-10 01:39:50

My ex used to call and text me constantly, purely to get a reaction. I felt terrible and guilty as I could hear dd crying in the background.

The only way it stopped was for her not to get the attention anymore. Solicitor's letters scared the shit out of her. They will remind him that harrassment is illegal and they have a record of his texts.

Rollercoasteryears Tue 16-Nov-10 20:17:30

toody (and your mum): that sounds dreadful. Given how his texts make you feel, Techlovingdad's suggestion of you changing your mobile number and limiting his way of getting in touch with is a good one. He clearly doesn't have a good track record as a dad and your son is still very young (similar age to mine so I sympathise) and of course he would have to be able to look after him properly if he wants more contact - he hasn't proved that he can so far and would need to do so - I'm sure the Court would agree with that even if he did find the money to apply to Court. It sounds as though your solicitor agrees with your position, which is great - let's hope a couple of strongly worded letters from them plus you changing your number does the trick. If it doesn't, and he continues to send you abusive messages etc, there are other steps you can take, which you could discuss with your solicitor, such as reporting him to the police for harassment or applying for a non molestation order, both of which mean he could be imprisoned if he continues with his behaviour. Best of luck x

toody Tue 16-Nov-10 23:36:25

thanks all of you talking has really helped

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