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Surely I should be happy

(12 Posts)
GinandChocolate Sat 13-Nov-10 20:13:42

Didn't really know where to post this.

I feel really shaken by the events of the last couple of weeks. No one in RL life seems to understand and I don't understand why I feel like this either.

Background : Have 50/50 residency of DS and DD with exH. Have been uneasy about this for a while - kids not happy with him, want to stay with me and DP, DS has behavioural issues when with dad (home and school), reports from the nanny of dad's temper. There were a couple of incidents earlier in year - took legal advice but not considered enough to remove kids and big risk that it would back fire on nanny who kids adore. She works at both houses.

ExH was reported to police by anonymous witness following an incident in which he hurt DS. Police and social services involved. Police told me not to return kids to exH. Kids happy to be here. All good surely?

Except I don't feel like it is all good. I don't really know why - other than that this isn't how I wanted it to be. My kids being interviewed, kids known to social services, police on phone/turning up at house, bail conditions, difficult conversations with the Head Teacher at very nice school. No one seems to understand why I feel upset by this.

Plus I left my ex because he was a bully and the was bullied into agreeing to the 50/50 arrangement because at the time I was too defeated to do anything else and now I feel terrible for making my kids live with this for over 2 years.

And I still can't believe that my exH an intelligent and successful man, who really was quite nice when I met him could turn out to be like this.

What's wrong with me? I am getting my children back which is what I have always wanted. Kids love DP and can't wait for us to be a proper family and I want curl up in a corner and cry when everyone thinks I should be jumping for joy.

ohsleepyone Sat 13-Nov-10 21:09:42

oh bubs, sending you a hug!

no one wants to gain their children back by having ds hurt by a dad who is ment to love and protect them. And dont fall into the trap of blaming yourself, would you have let them go to your ex's if you had known what was going to happen? no. therefore shh!

i'm sorry this has all happened but now you should just relax knowing that your children are safe and altho it must be awful now with police interviews and social workers, it wont be forever and you can always come on here and vent whenever needed! xx

Niceguy2 Sat 13-Nov-10 21:48:44

I think its because you realise that there's no real winners here. There rarely are in these sorts of situations. Yes you get what you wanted but at what cost?

happybubblebrain Sat 13-Nov-10 22:07:06

Errm, I don't think she got what she wanted 'Nice'guy.

crace Sat 13-Nov-10 22:16:12

Please don't blame yourself, it's what you do know that matters. Also, until something bad happens you can't always get a court to agree that it's not safe with your ex. I had this very same issue. I spent years with my ex being horrible to me, violent to his new partners and emotionally abusive to DS. Until his partner filed a restraining order I had no case, but I could finally do something once this happened.

Sorry to waffle on, but I hope you get my point. Sometimes something bad has to happen before you are allowed to fix it.

Best of luck!

Niceguy2 Sat 13-Nov-10 22:44:26

Happybubble, I was referring to what she said about getting her children back which is "what I have always wanted"

ChippingIn Sat 13-Nov-10 22:56:08

You have what you wanted - but only in one way. Really, you wanted your Ex to be like your DH is now and for your kids never to have gone through this.

Before this all happened you could 'kid' yourself that if others didn't think they were at risk you must be over reacting - now you have proof you weren't, of course it's going to hurt that your kids had to go through that to get here.

You probably feel a bit bad that you chose him to be their Dad (whilst ignoring the fact that if you hadn't - they wouldn't be here ).

There's all kinds of things going through your brain & heart right now - give yourself break.

You & they will be just fine in a bit x

GinandChocolate Sun 14-Nov-10 09:18:48

Thanks everyone - it makes me feel much better just knowing that other people do understand how I feel and that it is ok to feel like this.

crace I think you are right about something bad having to happen for other people to see it. Most of the abuse has been psychological but even with the physical exH is too smart to leave a mark. As a result the lawyers were never sure how this would go in court.

ChippingIn you are spot on - that's exactly what is going through my head.

crace Sun 14-Nov-10 10:48:15

it's exactly what I dealt with mine. Until something very bad happened they didn't believe me. He's charming, manipulative.. but hang in there, we got distance eventually.

ChippingIn Mon 15-Nov-10 16:03:09

The way you feel is completely normal.

How far through the process are you? Do you have total PR yet? Will he get supervised visitation etc?

I don't think you can start to be 'happy' about it until it is all sorted, even then it's going to take a little while to come to terms with what has happened before you can be happy again - even then I would expect to still feel a bit sad/angry/upset about what you have all had to go through.

CheeseandGherkins Mon 15-Nov-10 16:12:23

"I think its because you realise that there's no real winners here. There rarely are in these sorts of situations. Yes you get what you wanted but at what cost?"

Surely Ginandchocolate's ex is the one that should be thinking about that?

cestlavielife Mon 15-Nov-10 16:22:49

as the others said - you dont want your dc to have a father they cannot be with .

wasn't what you planned when you chose to have dc with him...

but you can now support them properly to deal with this and know that you can protect them better now....

what happened - it isnt your fault. time to put behind and move on.... cry a little, grieve a little - speak to a counsellor if you need to.

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