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Enjoy spending time with new partner but not as a 'family'

(21 Posts)
HystericalMe Wed 10-Nov-10 00:25:16

I have a new partner who I have been with for a few months.
We have been spending one or two days a week together and its very intense and a wonderful relationship which is mostly making me very happy.
In order for me to see my partner I usually get a babysitter so we can go out for the evening and then he stays over at mine.

The issue is, that I feel that I have pushed him into a situation where he is both dating me and co-parenting. When he wants to push the pushchair or put DS on his shoulders it makes me stressed. If they playfight, or if he helps feed DS's dinner I feel pushed out and alarmed.

For the most part, I have been extremely grateful as my DS can seem to be out of control and wild and my new partner seems to be fantastic with children, able to use just the right balance of bribery and firm talking to get good behaviour.

Is it unusual to feel this way? I know that DS has a Dad and so feel uncomfortable that DS now has a really good, strong role model around.

I feel terrified thinking of Baby P and other cases that those mum's trusted their partners who ended up abusing their child.

I'm maybe not ready to accept this change, although I feel DS and my partner are starting to develop a bond and I do love my partner.

What should I do? And how can I tell him, that although he is doing everything right, and giving DS exactly what he needs, I don't like it!

WADA Wed 10-Nov-10 06:35:13

I would ask yourself why you feel the way you do. For instance do you have a hunch something is not quite right or do you feel everything's happening too soon? I may be picking up something which isn't there but you say that the relationship is 'very intense' and 'which is mostly making me happy'. Do the words you use given an indication that all is not necessarily well?

BooBooGlass Wed 10-Nov-10 09:23:33

It's far too soon, a few months in, to be having any 'family' time at all. WHy the rush to introduce and include your son??

Mumfortoddler Wed 10-Nov-10 22:38:35

The Baby P case the mother was witness to the abuse, but I would suggest if you have concerns about him disciplining your child it would be ok to say to him that you want their relationship to build gradually- but you seem to approve of his approach to discipline. I would think about why it is you're hesitating- and give it time, its very difficult getting used to a new relationship when it means a new family dimension too.

HystericalMe Thu 11-Nov-10 19:33:17

Because we find it hard to match our days off work, its really difficult to see each other with DS being there, unless I paid a babysitter for the whole time.

When we both have a weekend off work we want to spend as much time together as possible.

Yes I think it is too much (Family time) too soon,

but I have DS at the weekends.

Doesn't anyone else have this problem?

HystericalMe Thu 11-Nov-10 19:34:22

First line was meant to say, it would be really difficult to arrange seeing each other without DS being there.

nappyaddict Thu 11-Nov-10 19:59:40

"It's far too soon, a few months in, to be having any 'family' time at all."

My DP had been together probably 3 months when he first met him and we went to the park together for the day.

He had been asking to meet him after about 2 months and I kept thinking it was too soon and put it off cos I wasn't comfortable with it as I didn't want to rush things and for things to become too serious too soon.

However a few weeks later I had a change of heart and it just felt like the time was right now. I think part of it was cos I had by then realised that I loved DP and that I wanted it to be long term.

Basically when the time feels right you will know. Do you think it could be because you don't feel as though this might work out long term yet?

nappyaddict Thu 11-Nov-10 20:00:47

You said you have DS at the weekends. Does that mean his Dad has him during the week? If so could you see your partner then instead?

kickassangel Thu 11-Nov-10 20:19:01

well, i'm married to dd's dad, and we have friends (male and female) who come round & 'muck in' play with dd etc. it would depend if your ds is seeing this man as a 'friend' or as part of your family unit?

the friends we have live nearby & may pop in at any time, but dd knows that they're our friends, not part of our family, if that makes sense.

HystericalMe Thu 11-Nov-10 20:57:13

This is good, because your questions are making me think.

Basically I think its because he is so nice and helpful I feel uncomfortable, he buys me jewellery and roses, and when the microwave broke he just bought a new one and when it comes to DS he just takes over and helps out and I'm not at all used to any of it, from roses, to taking over with DS!

bettypage Thu 11-Nov-10 21:04:25

HystericalMe, I had exactly the same problem with a man I started seeing a year after splitting with ds's dad. I had given myself time, being completely single for a whole year, so it wasn't that it was too soon. I think I did everything right but when it came down to it I had all the problems, worries and fears you described, including worrying about child abuse! that relationship ended recently after a year together, it wasn't his fault, he really was great with my son but I could never relax about it and it killed the relationship. I don't know why I felt like that. my son does have regular contact with his dad which also made it all a bit odd. it was too stressful for me and now I'm happy just me and my boy. I can't have a partner in our lives right now, that's what I've learned from this.
Hope this helps x

HystericalMe Thu 11-Nov-10 21:28:23

oh bettypage sad

nappyaddict Thu 11-Nov-10 21:47:55

bettypage Just because it was 12 months after doesn't mean it wasn't too soon for you

bettypage Thu 11-Nov-10 22:08:32

nappyaddict, yes that's probaly true, although it felt right and I felt ready at the time. I was wrong.

BEAUTlFUL Fri 12-Nov-10 09:18:36

HystericalMe, your new man sounds lovely! Roses, jewellery and microwaves!

cestlavielife Fri 12-Nov-10 10:17:37

lovely - or too much after jsut a few months.

roses - yeh fair enough.

jewellery? what kind? how expensive? can he afford it?

microwave???? too domestic and personal.

unless he very well off and generous like this with everyone? or owns a shop which sells microwaves?

how well do you know him, what do you know about him, his family, his friends?

something is niggling you - trust your instincts - probe a little on his background, friends, family. if you have not met his family/friends yet, then insist a little that you do, to get to know him better.

he seems to be moving into your life, your family - well then find out more about his...

BooBooGlass Fri 12-Nov-10 14:00:27

Honestly, you spend all weekend together when you have your son as well?
I have 2 dc, with me full time. I am just about 5 weeks in which I know is less than your relationship. I would love to spend weekends with him. But at this point, we do not, because it would be unfair on my children to introduce them to someone who, though lovely, I know relatively little about, and tbh I don't want them to get used to him being here if he'll just bugger off in a few months. I think your ds's security is worth the cost of a babysitter. Just becasue you want to spend all weekend with him, at this point, doesn't mean you should

Antalya1 Sat 13-Nov-10 11:00:56

Could the niggles be that you are letting someone into your lives and you are frightened that it may all go pear shaped at some point and then he'll be gone with you left to explain the situation and have to deal with the breaking of the bond with DS?

What were the circumstances of your break-up with DS's Dad? has hat left you with some issues that are now manifesting themselves?

Is he just 'to good to be true' and therefore you have a feeling of 'there's no such thing as a free lunch'? so wheres the catch??

Is there guilt that you feel you replacing Ds Dad?

All of us on here have been through break-ups and unfortunately that leaves us in a minefield when meeting potential new partners.

As long as the disciplining of the children comes from you, let him help with the rest. The minefield is that we can suspect the worse case scenarios when in reality most men are genuine and are not abusers.

By the sounds of it, he's trying very hard to fit in and is happy, just go by your instincts but don't talk yourself out of this, or see problems where in all likelihood they don't exist. It's early days yet..and soon things, and your feelings will in all likelihood settle down.

nappyaddict Sat 13-Nov-10 12:45:31

I would guess that he is trying hard to prove that your DS isn't a problem to him. DP was very keen to prove that he didn't want me all to himself and was quite happy to spend time with all of us.

I also had the too good to be true feelings at first. I think it helps that DP is a few years older than me and wants to settle down and think about children in a few years time. With previous partners who have been closer to my age although they have also been happy to spend time with my DS as well I always knew from the start the relationship was never going to last long term. This was partly because I wanted stability, someone who didn't throw money away and someone who would also want children in the not too distant future. Generally men my age have not got any of this yet.

colditz Sat 13-Nov-10 12:49:48

nahhhh it's normal to be wary, but he is behaving in a normal way for a good man. You're clearly not used to nice men, and this is probably why his behavior is strange to you.

I over-reacted when my boyfriend told my then-three year old off for eating something out of the bin while I was on the toilet.

"You made him cry!" I howled.

"He only cried when you came downstairs" BF replied. "And would you rather he cried because I stopped him bin picking like a rat, or because he's in hospital with E-colii?"

Point.

All I saw were the child's (admittedly not very convincing now I think about it) tears - I didn't see the caring motivation behind the telling off that had produced the tears. And it must have been a very gentle one, because my house is tiny and I didn't hear it. I was used to everything parental being left to me.

HystericalMe Sun 14-Nov-10 21:55:48

Thanks so much for your viewpoints its very helpful. smile We've not seen each other for a while because we can only match days off once in a while. I'll see how it goes.

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