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AIBU: to be worried about DS while he's at his dad's house after this....(Long sorry)

(10 Posts)
TheLifeOfRiley Tue 09-Nov-10 17:45:34

Last week I popped into DS's dad's house to visit BIL and neice who also live there - DS went to his toy box and was playingwith toys in it when he stood up and said "what's this mummy?" holding an open set of pliers + pen knife! shock

Obviously I took it off him and told him it was dangerous, not to play with it,

This weekend BIL went out into the back yard where DS was pottering abut on his own and DS had hold of a piece of bamboo and an axe, which he was about to chop the bamboo with that he was holding.
angry

DS is 6, autistic, very young for age, no sense of danger, etc.

Ex was emotionally abusive and controlling. DS will no longer stay overnight with ex, he just downright refuses and says he will only stay for tea (and ex gives him hotdogs every single time - twice a week). Ex isn't natural with him, doesn't play with him, just sits him infront of Cbeebies, shows no interest in his autism (I've spent the last 2yrs fighting for diagnosis) I am getting more and more frustrated with the situation TBH.

Also, my dad (an alcoholic, abusive paedophile) is edging the peripheries of my life and has seen me with DS, I asked ex about 3 wks ago not to let DS play out without an adult stood watching him. His response was 'how long will that have to be for then?' (because it means him making an effort) He shouldn't be playing out alone anyway ex lives on a busy main road!. And it turns out he is letting him play out unwatched anyway! [ngry] angry

My blood is boiling after typing this - AIBU? WWYD?

emmalou78 Tue 09-Nov-10 18:15:08

right... YANBU but...

does your ex have a gate seperating his backyard from th street? culd that gate be locked - that way ensuring no one gets in and your ds doesn't get OUT...

can you make it VERY clear to your ex, that because you son has ASD he needs clearer boundaries aout what he can and acn't play with - and a little extra attention to whats left within child reaching height/line of vision i needed IF he ever wants to see his son outside of a contact centre again..

I say rip your ex a shiney new arsehole - or hand your son the axe and say 'lets play beheading daddy'

(I had to remind my ex this week, that ds2 is autistic not deaf or indeed stupid.... then reassure the ex that actually, ds2 is AS upset over his new lunchbox, as he is overhearing possible moving house plans by the ex and his new missus)

TheLifeOfRiley Tue 09-Nov-10 18:23:29

Ah my ex moved into his gf's house at the weekend and hasn't told DS, and got engaged several weeks ago, announced it on FB and hasn't spoken to me or his DS about it. hmm That's a whole other thread!

The back yard has a gate with a low bolt and a top bolt which can both be opened by an adult from outside. Ex sometimes lets him play in the back alley (beyond the yard - it's a stragne layout), which leads along the back of the row of houses and out onto the main road.

He just doesn't GET IT! Or doesn't want to - he is too lazy and selfish. I feel like stopping contact but I know I would be made out to be the baddy, but on the other hand if something happens to DS whilst he is in ex's care I could never forgive myself, I would feel I had knowingly let him go into a risky situation. confused sad

TrappedinSuburbia Tue 09-Nov-10 18:24:12

I don't think I would be allowing my ds to go there tbh.

TheLifeOfRiley Tue 09-Nov-10 18:30:40

How do I stop things though trapped? Ex is very manipulative - I wish I had kept a log of all incidents since I left as he has constantly messed us about with contact, and lies, putting social life first, etc. He will make out i'm being unreasonable like he has when DS started refuse to stay overnight but actually he won't be bothered as it means he can please himself - he would never admit that though and will turn it into a bi sob story all about him.

Would I need to see a solicitor? We never formalised anything when I left, jst agreed to twice a week overnight, which has dwindled to tea twice a week.

Ex has now moved in with his gf but I think he will go on seeing ds at his house (which his brother is lodging in) as it is close to mine and gf lives out of town.

TrappedinSuburbia Tue 09-Nov-10 18:38:02

Could you talk to him first and say that you don't think ds is getting enough supervision and is likely to injure himself, giving the examples that you have given on here? And under the circumstances if this doesn't change then he will need to arrange a contact centre for supervised access? You'll need to stand rock solid and mean it.

If that doesn't sort anything, then I just wouldn't send him, there's no way I would send my child into a dangerous situation.
I know its easy for me to sit here and say all this, but imagine how you would feel if something did happen.

emmalou78 Tue 09-Nov-10 18:39:18

the gate needs a padlock then!

under the circs, you can insist on the whole 'its my way or the highway' kick... your son needs consistency and continuity, he needs to be safe, and is more vunerable then his peers.. though frankly NO six year old should be able to play out in the street, or indeed outside alone without at least OCCASIONAL supervision... but I am VERY protective...

Had similar crap from my ex when he met his now fiance... but as you say thats a whole OTHER thread... and actually, I'm on fairly good terms with m'ex..

now back to the point do you have any input from SS (not that I'm saying you would - ita juat they're ofte consulted as [art of teh ASD dx) - if y'do they could read tehriot act to your ex for you.

emmalou78 Tue 09-Nov-10 18:40:11

oh and I apologise for my typing.. my glasses are somewhere in the house, which sadly isn't my faceconfused

NicknameTaken Fri 12-Nov-10 11:30:44

I agree that you need to make it clear to your ex that your DS needs better supervision, but I strongly suggest that you do it by email so that you can keep a record and if you do end up stopping contact, and your ex makes a sob story, you can demonstrate that you have tried to work with him until the point where you were forced to stop contact for safety reasons.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Nov-10 11:41:33

you need to start keeping a record of these incidents, but witnesss, would BIL confirm what was seen by email?

until something happens, to be honest, you wont have much room to cut contact...

watchihg cbeebies is not a crime nor necessarily harmful - my DS autistic has learned heaps from cbeebies. nor is giving him hotdogs twice a week a welfare issue!

so pick the battles - the tools in toybox is a concern adn axes in the garden - maybe jsut politely remind ex that DS could ahrm himself if tools are around when he visits.

but also sit down with DS and explain about tools being dangerous.

i am not sure the relevance of your dad? do you think he might snatch him from your ex?

send your ex a reasonably worded email stating what you were told by BIL and about the tools in toybox, asking him politely to please ensure DS doesnt have acess to tools; also to please ensure he supervised because of the risks of him running off/getting run over etc.

if he rants back, dont reply but keep the email.

just make sure you do not rant at him but send only polite emails.

how do you get on with BIL? do you trust him to watch out for DS?

if it is only twice a week for short tea visit then i wouldnt worry too much about formalising, if ex accepts no overnights then it's fine.

have you passsed on info about the diagnosis etc?

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