the beginning of my journey away from alcoholism.(2 Posts)
Hi guys. I've recently had my DP end our 5 year relationship due to my excessive drinking. I have fully accepted that I alone am to blame for the break up. My actions when drinking have left her unable to trust me any more seeing as I've broken her trust so many times in the past.
We have separated several times in the past and they were all due to my drinking. I've said horrible things that I cant remember because I'd blacked out, not come home after work because I'd chosen to sit and drink alone and I've even went as far as to throw stuff around the room, punch through doors and most recently broke my favourite guitar.
The main cause for all our problems was my drinking, although it wasn't daily, 8 times out of 10 when I drank we had some form of dispute.
A quick glimpse into our past is that just before we met I had recently ended a relationship that I thought was the last relationship I'd ever have. I had a partner I loved dearly and the most beautiful daughter imaginable. Although not perfect, I had commited my soul to these 2 girls and invested heavily in my family life. Doing everything possible to create a comfortable life. Things became soured when I was no longer able to trust my partner and inevitably discovered she was sleeping with another. After some trying it was obvious the relationship was never going to work and I moved out and begun a new life while still maintaining a strong relationship with my daughter.
Not long after it ended I was introduced to a girl called Annie and after only 3 or so months we moved in together. Annie had also came from a troubled relationship and was still dealing with the aftermath of emotions. She had lost a significant amount of weight, was withdrawn from her friends and family and had even said she had attempted suicide at her lowest point.
Over time, we created a strong bond and helped each other heal old wounds as well as beginning a strong loving relationship together with plans for the future. At one point I became unemployed and that together with a court battle over access to my daughter (non alcohol related) I began drinking on and off during the day. As time went on I was having no luck finding a full time job, only agency work intermittently and a temporary stint in a kitchen that only created problems between us because of the hours I worked and how long I had to travel. I stopped drinking while working there but on occasion had some cans after work. Once I left the job I began drinking during the day again, as before, intermittently. I could go weeks or months between drinks but it was becoming more apparent that when I drank I would become a different person. One time I went as far as to heave a small table across the room during an argument. This frightened Annie and she left to stay with family. I agreed that I would bring my drinking under control for her and I did. I was ashamed of my actions and vowed to become a better person.
Fast forward a year or so and my drinking had came back. Stresses of life, work and underlying unresolved issues had me drinking in secret but this time I felt it was more under control and only to bring me down after a hard day at work. Like before, I would go weeks or moths between drinks. Once Annie discovered I was drinking again she left me and said she would only come back on the condition that I seek professional help. I agreed and got the ball rolling but thinking I could do it alone I stopped getting help and tried to go alone. That didn't work and before I knew it, I was drinking again.
Fast forward to the last 2 months, I was drinking almost every week. Finishing work, I'd grab a few cans and go sit and watch videos on my phone by myself. Arriving home a couple of hours later than expected, I'd attempt to mask the smell of alcohol and cigarettes(only smoke when drinking) by brushing my teeth, removing my clothes and washing myself. It didnt take long for annie to discover what I was up to and had to increasing confront me. One occasion I had got into a situation where I didnt feel safe and called annie to collect me. Knowing that I was drinking, she flew off the handle which resulted in me grabbing the steering wheel in attempt to stop the shouting. Having had a drink, that was a stupid call on my behalf.
Annie had kicked me out after another mistruth involving drink and having nowhere to go I slept rough for the night, returning the next day for clothes. She took me back after a few days but that only stopped me drinking for days and even though I was drinking less, I was still drinking. It was my final outing with drink that annie and I had a very big argument were I threw things around the room including a clothes horse, christmas tree and then smashed my guitar.
This was it for annie and she asked me to leave, i did and stayed round a friends house. I returned the next day to find her gone. This time she was not coming back. Having been promised id stop drinkinv so many times she'd finally had enough.
That argument was also the end for me. I had dropped right to the bottom and the only way I had any chance of an actual life was to stop drinking all together and seek professional help, and thats exactly what I'd done. I've just came back from my second AA meeting and I'm feeling very optimistic about my future. It's coming up to the second week of my sobriety and I feel like a completely different person. I've told my friends and family about my alcoholism and my brother and mam are devistated. I've also revealed my shame to annies family and they are very supportive of my condition and want to help wherever they can. It is out of respect for those around me that I tell those around me because I know that they cafe about me and I to them.
I've put myself into a strong position for securing my sense of normality in life now. I have short term goals to help me one day at a time and am holding no secrets about myself. My openness about my alcoholism has been met with admiration, judgement, understanding, disgust as well as many other reactions. Whats keeping me firm is my desire for happiness and for all those I love to be happy.
I've started this journey for me. Its only with that foundation that I am capable of progressing. I've made the necessary first steps for improving my body and mind with a change in diet, exercising more regularly, attending AA meetings, confiding in the people around me and talking to doctors and councillors about how I can continue to stay strong.
To my daughter, I'm sorry that I've been up to this. Although you we're never directly exposed to my actions, it did affect me as a parent. I will do whatever it takes to protect and love you until my final second.
And annie, my love for you will never fade. Although we are over, a great deal of my inspiration comes from your ideals of the kind of person yoh knew I could be and whatever happens in the future, you'll always be the person that got me to realise how valued and loved I really am. Thank you.
I do hope that there still may be hope for us.
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