H-E-L-P!! A baby has changed everything

(3 Posts)
RachaelRB Wed 30-May-12 16:28:24

I know just how awful and bad I am writing this thread but am doing so in the hope that someone out there understands how I feel and tells me it will get better eventually...I really believe I am the only one

I had a beautiful baby girl 10 month's ago with the love of my life...

Prior to having her, my Husband and I were so disgustingly in love ...nothing else in the world mattered. We'd even go as far as to lie to people so we could spend all our time together...we've been married 6.5 yrs and the honeymoon period NEVER ended for us, until our baby was born....

I am struggling with my new role as a mother so badly, devastatingly wishing more than anything I could go back to before she was born. I know how A-W-F-U-L that sounds but I always thought I shouldn't be a mother because I had a very traumatic childhood with a mother that didn't want me. I always swore I'd never have a baby because I didn't want to inflict any of what my mother (and violent father) did to me, and let happen to me by so many people (men especially), onto any child-least of all my own.

I was a very sad person, having a very unhappy life struggling with my childhood issues ...then, I met my husband and I was, for the first time in my whole life, "Happy"...truly happy..

My husband helped me believe that I would be a brilliant mother and that our love was so amazing (I know it sounds over the top but the way we love each other I've never seen anyone have, ever, other than in movies) that we'd be the best parents and so so happy - happier than we were..

I really believed it too and couldn't think of anything more special than mixing that love into a person....half him and half me -special miracle!!!

Now that she's here, I am so painfully unhappy....everything has completely changed and after traumatic birth of my daughter I am struggling so much. I never realised how crushing the weight of total responsibility would feel and mostly that there's NO escape ....and you can't go back, or decide it's not for you, or change your mind FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!

I feel like the me I knew and liked 10 month's ago is gone forever...i'm not allowed to do anything I want to anymore and never will again...

I cry all the time wishing it away because I knew I was too fked up to have a child.....especially the fact I NEVER wanted to do/feel anything my mother did towards me and yet, here I am, wishing the exact same thing....my heart aches with paralyzing pain at the realization that I feel these things and that this is real. I feel like it's all a dream and I will/can somehow go back to before she was born when I was so so so happy sad. I used to scream from the top of my lungs "I love my life"...now I wish it away... sad

I now blame my husband for giving "us" up for someone else, letting me go through the trauma of getting her here (birth and after and now) and now having someone who is so important in our life that we can never turn our backs on...I feel so selfish, so selfish but I am bitter that I don't matter anymore (which was so obvious when she was being born = treated like a piece of shite) because we have to look after our girl ....and I feel like I am not as special anymore because he now has two girls....I know how wrong all of these things are/feel and I want to die instead of live with it because she's so beautiful and so is he...i don't deserve either of them. I have what so many people want...a husband that adores me and beautiful perfect baby = WHAT THE FK IS WRONG WITH ME sad((

My poor husband is trying everything to help me but I just resent him so much and out him through hell of an unhappy/wanting to leave him me...

Please can anyone relate or should I just go on the anti-depressants I am told to go on by the GP as she's diagnosed me with pnd.

I appreciate anyone who can help me in any way. I'm sure I'll have a lot of people hate me for it too....but I can't help that I wish I wasn't a mother and dont enjoy it even though i see how beautiful it is having your own baby..not when you're all wrong in the head....

gymboywalton Wed 30-May-12 16:42:09

you def need to take the anti depressants
you feel this way in pat because of a chemical inbalance and the tablets will help-i promise

becoming a mother is HARD, it is jolly hard work and it takes a lot of time to get used to the HUGE changes. i know it seems hard to believe but it really does get easier-mine are 12 and 8 now and they are just fabulous and i look at them and think 'god dh and i made you out of loving each other'

but then they can feed them selves and wipe their own bums and are happy to grab themselves a sandwich and watch tv!!

it IS hard but it will get better sweetheart but you need to take the tablets.

gymboywalton Wed 30-May-12 16:43:41

it might also help to copy and paste this thread and put it in chat or parenting -that way you will get lots more replies-all saying the same thing, that is hard but it will get better!

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