Help for unwanted dad [blush]

(14 Posts)
unwanteddad Wed 13-Oct-10 10:56:17

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and yes, I'm a bloke! I am new to parenthood too. In fact my babies not due til next year. Unfortunately my ex-partner has decided that I am no longer needed. I think I may be allowed access to the baby, although it won't have my name and I won't be on the birth certificate.

But what I wanted to know was, if I am allowed access, is there anyone out there who gives classes for new dad's? I know very little about caring for a new born. So I would appreciate any help that can be offered.

Thanks for reading my post. I hope to hear from you soon.


EauRouge Thu 14-Oct-10 10:23:44

Hi unwanteddad,

Sorry to hear about your situation You could try Simply Kidz, they have a lot of different classes.

You could also try a local surestart centre, there are loads all over the city and I'm sure they'll be able to recommend something.

unwanteddad Thu 14-Oct-10 11:17:15

Hi EauRouge,

Thanks for the suggestions. I will take a look at them. Finding the whole situation very difficult to cope with. I'm hoping things will improve as we get closer to the birth.


slipperthief Thu 14-Oct-10 11:28:42

I went along to the NCT bumps & babies group in Peterborough a couple of times a few years back and they seemed like a lovely bunch. They might not be able to help directly but might have some suggestions. Or some of the other dads might be happy to get in touch.
nct peterborough

The SureStarts over here in north Cambs all seem to have Dads Saturday mornings. They might heelp too.

unwanteddad Thu 14-Oct-10 12:09:59

Thanks slipperthief

I think I will try some of these classes. As you say if they don't help directly, I'm sure some of the dad's will lend a hand.

How comes caring for a baby and changing nappies is soooo scary!? I've run businesses, project managed huge contracts and dealt with billionaires, but this little image on a black and white scan leaves me awe-struck!

I just want to be the best dad I can be.

slipperthief Thu 14-Oct-10 12:26:18

I hope it really goes well. I'd volunteer my hubby but we're just moving up north. And the awe-struck thing (mixed with a good helping of aargh what do I do) is fairly universal. Steep learning curve but lots of fun too. Good luck.

luciemule Thu 14-Oct-10 22:45:17

Hi unwanted dad.
There is the only male antenatal teacher at this company here

The guy runs it in the local pub and it's only for blokes grin They have a lot of good reports in my area and they also cover the peterborough area too.

luciemule Thu 14-Oct-10 22:46:23

sorry - didn't finish writing my sentence.
He's supposed to be the only male antenatal teacher in the country.

unwanteddad Thu 14-Oct-10 23:26:32

Hi luciemule,

Thanks for the link. That looks quite interesting. Not the pub bit, honest! I am so in need of some classes.

Don't think I'm going to be allowed at the birth or even the hospital during the delivery. I've been excluded from the pregnancy bit which has really spoiled it for me. It's the bit after that I need the help with.

To be honest I'm a little bit scared that I won't be able to bond with the baby under the present circumstances. You build up a mental picture of what it's going to be like and then it's whipped away from you and the bubble bursts really. Now I am worried that the baby will just see me as the bloke who takes it away from it's mum every now and then!

luciemule Fri 15-Oct-10 09:57:45

Hi unwatned dad - I'm sure if you're assertive (but not agressive), your ex will realise that you want to be involved with the baby. I vaguely know the people who run the above business and they're so nice that I'm sure, if you asked them, they would do a private session at your home. The lady (they are a husband and wife team) is a doula and I think that she would be able to come and show you how to hold/dress/bath the baby etc and talk over your worries about the babycare bit.

I'm sorry that your ex is being difficult about it. I think people don't quite realise the impact a baby can have on the father. I don't understand, if it's your baby, why she won't put your name on the birth cert either? Could you not talk to her again and be really nice and say you would love it if you could have a great relationship with your baby etc.

unwanteddad Fri 15-Oct-10 10:56:59

Hi luciemule,

I will take your advice about the home session. That sounds much more helpful.

I have spoken to my ex about wanting to take the fullest role possible. But she seems determined to spoil this for me. The birth certificate thing is just her way of inflicting more pain on me!

I wouldn't mind if I had been violent or nasty towards her, I could understand that. That was her experience in her marriage. But I am exactly the opposite to her and her gorgeous kids. Just seems that she can't cope with 'nice'.

We've got a few more months to go yet though, so time may change things. Thanks for your advice though.

luciemule Fri 15-Oct-10 11:12:48

So do you mean she had children with someone else before you and you took on a step parent role?

Surely if she doesn't put you on the cert? You could say well, I'm not going to pay child payments to you then. I know that sounds like you're being nasty but surely that's true.

I would probably take on the 'being very nice' approach but in a strong way, not all pathetic and woe is me type nice. She has to know you're serious about being there and that you would hate for your baby to grow up without you being in his/her life.

Hope it all works out for

unwanteddad Fri 15-Oct-10 13:45:39

Yes I was a step-parent to her kids whilst we were together. Your right about the cert, no name, no payment. But I couldn't do that. The baby is still my flesh and blood.

You so right about the approach too. I will use that approach if I ever get to talk to her again!

Thanks for your kind words.

luciemule Fri 15-Oct-10 13:50:45

I always think there must be so many dads who aren't listened to /ignored in their rights as a father.

I just know that if I ever split with my DH, he would be distraught over losing his children and I think that no matter he'd done (if it was his fault), I could never stop him from seeing them and enjoying being their daddy.

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