Non sporty Mum of Pre-teen boy

[MayBabyBoy]

Some advice please:

12 year old boy with engaged fantastic Dad (less fantastic husband - different story) who takes him to play sport all the time. It is wonderful.

I am a life long non-exerciser (I do walk a lot and enjoy it), and truly hate sports. I always have. Ball games particularly, but absolutely detest all the things that my son and his Dad love.

I have spent years freezing on the side of a tennis court, golf course, basketball court, cold beaches watching them surf. I am never going to be Wet Suit mum. Never going to be the 5K mum.

It is only the three of us.

I have derived huge pleasure over the years at the sidelines watching my boy grow up and playing with his Dad - who absolutely insists we do all of this as a family “I’m not a single parent”. I have often joined in but I just really don’t enjoy it and it is always forced.

As he is now much older older I just sit alone in silence while they whoop and laugh and get a bit violent rough and tumble. It is boring, it is cold. I try not to look at my phone. I sometimes listen to the radio.

I feel totally alienated from them. They play sports, they play video games, they watch the same movies. I like reading (both hate it) and I like current affairs and to be honest I am increasingly quiet and bookish.

I feel so alone in my own house. Just cooking for them in the kitchen alone. I have tried everything I can think of hence asking for advice from you all (very grateful for any advice).

I have tried finding mutual movies to watch (Boring!), going to interesting historic walks (no mum that’s soooo boring), getting there wet suit, jumping in to the freezing water but in truth I just absolutely hate it.

I feel so lonely in my own home. I listen to R4 (oh god not that rubbish again) of Audible (is that book STILL going on?) when I am cooking. But in truth I just want to find something in common with them that I truly, not forcibly enjoy.

I’ve tried to talk to them but am just told I am “mad” “difficult to please” “we’re doing nothing wrong” which they are not. It’s just that I am totally left out as we don’t share any common interests whatsoever.

Is this just the mother’s lot in life? I have a busy job which does fulfil me but I would like my home life to fulfil me too. I would desperately love to find common interests with my son and his father.

Has anyone been in a similar position and been able to make it better?

Thank you.

[MissyB1]

Ok I totally empathise because I truly thought at one time that I was going to be in the same situation. Only it turned out ds (also 12) wasn’t as sporty as my dh had hoped! I’m lucky in that ds likes board games, baking, and watching some documentaries with me. Would your ds and Dh play board games? Does ds like baking?

I think there is an onus on your dh to help you and ds to bond a bit more. Could it be that this situation is suiting dh in some way? My dh has been a bit distant from ds recently and I’ve helped him address the situation. They are making a video together right now for ds drama lesson.

[MayBabyBoy]

Thank you so much for replying. I feel reassured that I am not alone in these thoughts. I’ve tried baking and board games - zero interest - other than eating the baked goods!
I had a chat with them again last night. Asked if they can think about doing some things I can join in with. We have agreed on a puzzle. So I will get one for this weekend. Thanks so much.

[senua]

I can sympathise. I am also not into hot, sweaty (or cold, wet!) exercise. I love a long walk but DS thinks that walking is too sloooooow and would prefer to run.
I think that you have to comfort yourself with the concept of the seven ages of man. Your DS could easily morph into being a totally different sort when teenagerhood hits, and you may find common ground then. Keep open lines of communication but also nurture your friendships so that you are not reliant on these two males for your mental and emotional well-being.
Go the opposite direction: instead of trying to fit in with the other two sides of the triangle, go off and do your own thing occasionally. They might even miss you!

You know that your DH will be in your place in a few years time? when he gets dumped by DS in favour of mates or girlfriends.

All shall be well. It just takes time. My sporty, grown up DS has evolved to like other outdoor things such as travel, wildlife, eco-matters.

[MayBabyBoy]

Thanks senua. Sounds like we would enjoy a walk together. I know you are right. It’s a phase. I just need to do my own thing and give it time. Much appreciated.

[Craftycorvid]

I’ve every sympathy, OP! Can’t stand any sport ever invented. I like walking and I have been known to jog, I just detest sport.

Do you get time to do things you enjoy for yourself or are you corralled into family things to the exclusion of all else?

[senua]

Sounds like we would enjoy a walk together.
We would! But I have only just noticed that this is on the London-local board. Not my region, unfortunately.