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(965 Posts)
SuperBunny Mon 09-Mar-09 19:14:31

East Coast
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SuperBunny Mon 09-Mar-09 19:16:54

From old thread...

Ugh, what a situation mananny sad

I would be quite upset at your friend. Unless the married person leaves his/ her partner, then nothing should happen. But life doesn't work like that, I suppose. Whatever happens, it is not your responsibility. I think it was good to make your feelings known but other than that, I don't think you can do anything. Do you know the married person's DP?

Off to read Jabber's link re Cuban Chinese food.

mananny Mon 09-Mar-09 20:09:17

I know the married person's DP pretty well. The horrid thing is we are all around each other a lot due to one thing or another. So it's not like I can tell her to back off and never see him again IYSWIM. Anyhoo am getting some good, subjective, MN advice over on Chat.

Alrighty I need to drag myself away from the puter and trudge through the snow to school. Yay.

kickassangel Mon 09-Mar-09 21:02:26

mananny, horrible situation. i had something similar once with a group of friends i knew from CHURCH!! except i knew the married person (female), who sent the Other Man round to us to ask for advice.
I told them both not to get involved. they totally ignored me. the marriage (which was on the rocks) ended, they dated for a few weeks and split up.

the stats for an affair working out are incredibly low. if his marriage is over, he should deal with that first. if it's true love, it will wait until other things are sorted. if nothing else, does she really want to hear him talking about his wife, and how he feels?

once you've had your say, back off & make it clear yu want no confidences from them.

jabberwocky Tue 10-Mar-09 02:13:27

Well, the easy thing is just to stay out of it. But....from what I know of these things you might consider saying something to the married person. I really do think that sometimes people who are even fairly happily married can be temporarily swept off their feet by a determined third party. With disastrous consequences so in that case, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

SuperBunny Tue 10-Mar-09 02:21:32

Glad you all found this thread. I had to put in a special request to link from the old thread. Thanks OliviaMumsnet smile

Good advice, Kickass and Jabber. FWIW, I wish someone had told me that ex was having an affair. I wouldn't have been pleased at the time but I think I would have been grateful eventually. That said, I would not want to be the messenger.

dooneygirl Tue 10-Mar-09 03:53:33

Keep your texts from the crazy person!!! Ok, that isn't very helpful, but I don't really have any good advice.

Someone please help me. I've been highly amused for part of the day, and I can't wipe the smirk off my face. I don't know what to do.

SuperBunny Tue 10-Mar-09 03:58:34

First you have to tell us what is so funny.

dooneygirl Tue 10-Mar-09 04:43:03

Message withdrawn

nooka Tue 10-Mar-09 04:56:33

I don't think that you are terrible, but I do think it is sad that this kid hasn't been referred to an educational psychologist instead of (or as well as) being booted out of so many nurseries. It might "just" be poor parenting plus the grief/disruption of his mum dying, but there might be something underlying like autism at the root of his behaviour (and the dad might well have some issues too). I have a lovely gentle friend whose little boy is like this, and for a while we thought it was her being too soft and the dad being too harsh, but he is being treated at the Maudsley (leading psychiatric centre in London) and it turns out the dad has significant mental health/disability problems too (probably Aspergers with a dose of depression on top). It doesn't make it any easier when he attacks his mum or tries to throw his little sister down the stairs, mind, so I can absolutely see why you are very worried about the turn of events.

dooneygirl Tue 10-Mar-09 15:11:32

Oh, he is. The dad told me that he and the boy go twice a week and have been for quite some time. The thing that really pushed me over the edge on the amusement was the boy didn't want to be there, and the babysitter was exhausted and said she had to go through the same thing in the morning when she took him to Kindergarten (he has since been enrolled in a different school, but the dad wants him to go to both, because he is really behind, although my friend said the dad complained of the same thing at their school, and they all were aware he pretty much knew the answer to anything when asked if he was in the mood to answer), and suggested to call the dad because he was at home. The teacher said she could deal with it, and was trying all sorts of "oh, come do this, isn't it fun" things, and the boy looked straight at her, and told her that she was just trying to divert his attention (his exact words, they utterly stunned me coming from a 5 or 6 year old) and get him to do stuff, but he didn't want to and wasn't going to.

He later proceeded to go up to the twin girls in class and tell them that they were really whiny and needed better impulse control, which really would have had me rolling on the floor, because he speaks the truth, if it hadn't been immediately followed by "so I have to kill you".

kickassangel Tue 10-Mar-09 16:44:00

shock shock
that child so badly needs help, and an education, but it sounds like he isn't getting it & the class teacher is just a little over confident in her abilities.
to give her credit, there were a number of times when i taught, that i found parents telling me that such-and-such was uncontrollable, only to find that they were difficult, not uncontrollable, and i think that a child so young needs to be given every chance to start again.
i suspect that some of the parenting, as much as the tragedy, has resulted in a child who does not know how to control themselves.
it also sounds like dad just doens't have a clue & needs some pretty strong guidance himself
in the uk, he would prob have a on-to-one helper with him at all times, but i get the impression that that is unlikely in the states?

SuperBunny Tue 10-Mar-09 17:18:34

Oh Dooney, what a situation.

Has the school/ teacher said anything about what will happen now?

I think the child needs some serious help - a 1:1 aide who can be with him to help him control his temper and focus for a short while. The problem (for ths child) is that he will continue to behave this way, thereby further alientating himself from his peers and it becomes a vicious cycle. School districts can provide 1:1 helpers, depending on funding but that wouldn't happen in a private school, unless the parent paid.

Of course, none of this helps you and I know it is very frustrating to have a class who want to learn and someone who ruins it for everyone. What does Colin think of it all?

dooneygirl Tue 10-Mar-09 17:38:20

I don't know what will happen. I think that the Kindergarten he's in should be the one doing something, but I know the father ruffled a lot of feathers to get his son out from the school he was in (which was the one Colin will go to next year, so I can't say I'm sad about that, especially if the boy has to do K. over) into the current one. He signed over educational guardianship to the babysitter, who lives in the area for the school he wanted him to go to, and they had several meetings and committees and such to get the son in. I really hate to sit around and listen to gossip, but when it gets to the point lots of people from different places who don't know each other tell you the same thing, it is hard not to listen, and it sounds like the dad is just blaming the schools and not wanting much help. He's not in private school, just a different elementary in the same district.

I feel sorry for the babysitter. She was the mother of Colin's best friend in school last year, and I'm not sure how she got involved. Somehow someone asked her to watch the son. She heard the stories, and agreed to watch him once or twice, and nothing bad happened. So she agreed to become his full-time babysitter, and it has gone from me running into her at the store a few weeks ago when she was a few days into this telling me how surprised she was things were going so well, to yesterday when she seemed about in tears having to battle him going to school for the second time in a day, and saying she really needed to go home when he was in school, because she hasn't gotten anything done in weeks because of all the attention he requires.

I'm really not so much bothered by the disruption as I could be. This is Colin's second year in the 4/5 class, and he's pretty ahead of where he should be in most areas. I really sent him there to learn how to go to school and have fun. I will only be mad if he picks up on things the boy is doing and starts repeating them. My biggest worry by far is that he will really hurt my children in some way. I know the parents last year said he eventually narrowed down the children he'd pick on to the 3 that had parents who didn't do anything about it, and their biggest concern shifted to the fact that the majority of each day was the teacher having to deal with the boy and his disruptions, and not being able to teach the rest of the class anything.

I have done a horrible job in hiding my feelings about the boy from Colin. Colin keeps telling me that he isn't a bad guy and nice to him, but that he doesn't make very good choices about behaving when he's in school.

jabberwocky Wed 11-Mar-09 00:19:20

Wow, dooney what a predicament! The child has obviously had lots of therapy as he has absorbed "therapy-speak" but it doesn't sound like it has done much good. One of the things that I brought up when I was at the Autism Symposium last week was that I really wished teachers, etc. would think sometimes about more than just the psychological aspect of a behavioral problem. So many times it can be more than that such as a child who needs to be dairy or gluten free - or both! Or maybe he needs certain supplements. There is finally a study going on showing that a significant group of autistic children really are deficient in methyl B12 and folinic acid. I'm not saying this child is HFA but something isn't right here.

Okay, with that said, I would be putting on my Mama Lion's hat in short order As you said your top concern is the safety of Colin. FWIW, it sounds like Colin has got this kid's number.

SuperBunny Wed 11-Mar-09 23:24:15

Interesting, Jabber. The 3 children at DS's playgroup are all autistic to varying degrees (although are possibly outgrowing their diagnoses) but they all drink vast quantities of milk. I wonder if that is just a coincidence. It is fascninating. When I worked at a residential home for severely emotionally disturbed children, I was surprised to see how much candy featured in the school life - candy for therapy, for getting up in the morning, for sitting nicely etc. And the meals were not great. It really doesn't make sense to be feeding children crap when they already have significant problems.

SuperBunny Wed 11-Mar-09 23:27:14

Oh, Americans... can you help on my thread please?

Califrau Wed 11-Mar-09 23:52:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuperBunny Thu 12-Mar-09 00:15:04

Thank you smile

dooneygirl Thu 12-Mar-09 03:17:25

Ok, I think this can be my talking about school week, and then I'll get over it. This one is shorter and not bad.

Colin's school he's going to next year is offering full-day Kindergarten. He'd go, have a break to eat, then go again in the afternoon. The only thing is is that his school only does the morning part for free, as full-day isn't offered as an option. I'd have to pay $200 a month extra to put him in full-day, or else he'd only go 2 1/2 hours a day, which is less time than he's spending at preschool.

The part I'd pay for only accepts 12 students. They do group learning activities, play time, and then the teacher would structure some individual learning activities based on where they assess him to be at ability-wise. It is very focused on reading.

I think it sounds great, but DH isn't too sure if it would be a waste of money. What do you guys think, especially teachers, ex-teachers and anyone with an opinion, I guess.

alipiggie Thu 12-Mar-09 03:49:32

Do it. We call it K-Csre and and my ds1 did it and now DS2 is in the program now. They LOVE it. Its a great part of the day and here they follow very much the same curriculum as the Kindergarten program. Count yourself lucky it's been costing me $360 per month. Now off to read the rest of the thread. Hi everyone manic week as ever here but woohooooooo booked the flights back to the UK, going for a month - boss says I can work from there for 2 weeks. Looking forward to catching up with friends and my wonderful parents.

SuperBunny Thu 12-Mar-09 13:54:37

envy Ali - I know V is looking forward to seeing you!

Dooney, if you can afford it, I'd say go for it. Sounds great.

It's snowing hmm

dooneygirl Thu 12-Mar-09 14:09:31

I'd laugh at the snowing part, but that would be rude. It should actually be about 60 today, which is good, because we have to go over the (smallish) mountains.

mananny Thu 12-Mar-09 14:20:06

Howdy now that the other naasty little drama is over, I have a new crisis! Basically I'm here at uni doing pre-req's for a Masters in Pediatric Nursing. That's all well and good and I have at least 4 years to go (I am insane). The probably now is in this month's Visa Bulletin the priority dates for EB3 Green Cards have been retrogressed even further, to 2003!!!! Which basically means I will have a snowballs chance in hell of getting a Green Card in 4 years, that's if I even get offered a job with no prior nursing experience. So..... my Plan B might be dragged out of the cupboard and dusted off. I already have a Law degree from the UK and I could do an LLM here, and then qualify for the next level up (EB2) BUT with the economy the way it is, is it even likely I could get a job in 2-3 years? Ugh. This is all so frustrating. I love it here and want to stay. And Joaquin isn't returning my calls. So education is the way to go, and I can stay as long as I like on my status as long as I do 12 credits a semester ad infinitum. but that's bloody expensive and I can't afford it for more than the next 3 years or so, and even then I will need a hefty loan. Any advice?

kickassangel Thu 12-Mar-09 16:19:35

hey, sorry, no advice for anyone. just need to say 'hi' after spending 2 hours with the accountant! think we've got the tax return sorted, but have just realised i left two files with him, with all our bank details!!!
bugger, he's miles away.

mananny, did your crisis get resolved?

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