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I don't want to go!

(23 Posts)
beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:07:03

I am moving to NZ at the end of Jan and it's just started to get a little bit scary. I know I'm doing the right thing but I'm panicking. Last night I tried to phone the uni I'm going to start in feb to get my enrolment sorted and instead ended up crying in a heap on the floor. It will be alright wont it?

Anna8888 Wed 08-Oct-08 11:08:05

Why are you moving to NZ beansmum?

What's happening with the man you are in love with?

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:13:27

Mainly because I grew up there and want ds to be a kiwi, I definitely want him to go through the NZ school system not the UK one. I miss it and have never really felt at home here.

Nothing is happening with the man I'm in love withsad. I sent him an email last week telling him that I really like him, but have had no reply. It's not looking good.

Anna8888 Wed 08-Oct-08 11:14:40


Where is he? Can you telephone him?

wannaBe Wed 08-Oct-08 11:19:11

then don't go. Why would you want your ds to go through the nz education system? - I know several kiwi's who have opted to stay here because the nz education system is so poor - much worse than ours.

Unless you are actually a kiwi (ie born over there rather than just having grown up there) I do wonder why you want your ds to be a kiwi - he isn't, he is British and that's nothing to be ashamed of IMO.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:19:46

I can't phone him, I could text him but I don't have a mobile. He's really nearby as well, for the first time in 10 years, near Helensburgh (which is near Glasgow, I'm in Edinburgh.)

It just feels like really bad timing, I'm not ready to go! But I definitely have to do it now. I want ds to start school there next year and not have to move around. It's just a really big move and I'll be all alone with so many new things going on, full time uni and ds starting school and hopefully a job at some point. I am SCARED.

Anna8888 Wed 08-Oct-08 11:21:25

Well, this is a brilliant excuse - get yourself a mobile and text him - with your number smile.

You really have to get to the bottom of this story with this man, and you have a deadline. Go for it.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:27:42

honestly wannabe? my mum and sister, both teachers (my mum has taught in NZ and the UK), think the NZ system is miles better, less pressure and more options if you aren't particularly academic.

I'm feel particularly British, I've only lived here for the past 9yrs, before that we were mainly in NZ, but a few years in Aus and canada. I'm not ashamed of being British though. I just don't want to bring ds up over here when we have the chance to live somewhere I think would be better for him.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:28:37

I don't feel...not I'm feel. what?

wannaBe Wed 08-Oct-08 11:45:06

I do know how you feel, honestly I do. I grew up in South Africa and when I came back I wanted nothing more than to go back and have my life there ( I came back when I was 19 because didn’t have a job etc so came back when my parents did).

But I think it’s important not to look back and imagine having the life again that you had then, because the reality is that you can never go back.

To me it sounds as if you are imagining a dream, a dream of your ds having a life that you had when growing up, and to be honest that’s not how it’s going to be. When you grew up you had your family and friends, now if you go over there it will be on your own with no support, and you will be leaving your family (ds’ extended family) behind (assuming they are over here and not in nz). And even the friends over there you might have left behind will have moved on and it’s unlikely that you’re still going to have the same friendships you had there before you left.

I personally think that leaving everything behind here and going over there to chase a dream that is unlikely to become a reality is mad. If you had the offer of a job of a lifetime then it would be different, but you can study anywhere. And you can go there for holidays with your ds and if as he grows up he decides he wants to be a kiwi he could always go there of his own accord or you could move when you’re in a better position to do so.

But if you go now then you’re going to be stuck there for the duration of your degree, because flights home don’t come cheap, so what is going to happen to the relationship your ds has with his grandparents etc? Having moved away from mine when I was 5 I can say with some certainty that that relationship will be broken.

I wouldn’t change my life for the world. I loved South Africa and I’m so so glad that I grew up there, and I still see myself as more south African than British. But now when I look back I try to do so with my eyes open. And although I see the bbq’s and the outdoor lifestyle and the lovely summers and the beautiful country, I also think of the fact that public transport isn’t safe, that we used to drive down to Cape Town with a gun in the car, that people have bars on their windows and safety gates on their doors, and although I would love to go back there for a holiday and I want more than anything to take my dh and ds there, I wouldn’t ever go back there to live.

How ever wonderful NZ is, it isn’t all wonderful, but it’s much harder to see the bad bits when you look back and remember the good bits.

elkiedee Wed 08-Oct-08 11:53:15

I don't know the ins and outs of your thoughts but would your ds not have entitlement to NZ citizenship even if you stayed here? My younger brother and sister, born after 1972, qualified because my mum's parents were from there, mum born and brought up here. I'm a bit older and wouldn't have but my mum wrote to them and they agreed to give me something saying I can have citizenship if I want, too.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 11:59:53

I'm not imagining it will be anything like the life I had there before. We lived in the middle of nowhere, a tiny place in the N island, I'm moving to Christchurch. I went to a school with 400 students from age 5-18, ds's primary school will have 500. I'm not expecting to be in touch with any of my school friends, they are all up north anyway.

I'm a bit worried about ds's relationship with his grandparents, but only from their point of view. I didn't know mine and it really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. They will visit anyway, my dad is a GP who just does locums full time and he is already booking jobs in NZ to coincide with my mum's holidays. I wont see so much of my sister, but I only see her a couple if times a year anyway.

I think reading/writing this has made it clearer that I am doing the right thing, I'm just stressed.

oh, and I can't really study what I want to over here, unless I do OU which I have tried but struggled with. I don't have the right qualifications and the exact course isn't available.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 12:00:48

elkiedee - yes, he has NZ citizenship already.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 14:13:33

Is it normal to be this stressed about it? I feel all tearful just thinking about it, but I can't think of anything specific that is really bothering me except uni. I'd be worried about that even if I wasn't moving. I'm a bit up and down actually, sometimes I'm really excited and want to go NOW, other times I don't wasnt to go anywhere, ever.

Elf Wed 08-Oct-08 20:32:41

Beansmum I think that is perfectly normal. Personally I've found that if I am tired or premenstrual then emigrating seems like the worst idea in the world. However, if you accept that it is normal to feel many different emotions maybe that will help you to relax about it.

You only live once. You've arranged so much already. Also, you're going as a single parent, am I right? So I think you must be even stronger. At least I and other people can bounce emotions off our partners. It really helps.

Give yourself a break. We are off to Nelson in two weeks time. I'm sure it will all be worth it. Good luck.

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 20:49:41

Thanks Elf. It is difficult not having anyone to talk to about it, and knowing that I will be completely alone (except for ds) once I get there. I can talk to my parents about it, but only if I am being super positive and happy about everything, I don't want them to worry or think I can't cope.

Good luck with your move too!

chloeb2002 Wed 08-Oct-08 22:05:39

Hi beansmum.. i was in a similar position to you in that i would have emigrated as a single parent if i had remained single.. if that makes sense? instead i have dragged a new dh with megrin all i can say is if it feels right then do it. can your folks help you out financially if needs be? Can you juggle childcare and uni and a job? and still live? as long as your worries are just irrational id let them pass but if you are really going to struggle then maybe ensure you can make the dream real first?

dilbertina Wed 08-Oct-08 22:14:07

Beansmum, it sounds like you're just having an attack of the wobbles because it's getting close. You've already thought all this through right? It's not the kind of decision you'd have reached if you were not sure it was the best thing for you and ds. and blokey complication is making you take your eye off the ball a bit - if that's meant to be it will happen.

NZ will be great, natural to be a bit scared now it's getting close....but it will be great!

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 22:21:52

I have thought it all through soooo carefully!

I am sure I have budgeted for every possibility. Money will be (extremely) tight, but it'll work out. And my family would definitely help me out if I needed them to. My lovely sister has given me her bank card for her NZ account with $7000 in it and said I could use it in an emergency! Childcare shouldn't be too much of a problem. I need a preschool place until June, I haven't got that sorted yet but ds is on a couple of waiting lists and I will find out in November if he has a place at the uni one. After that he'll be at school, the school is right on the edge of campus and the uni has an after school and holiday club on campus. Our flat is on the other side of campus, within walking distance. It's going to be fine!

I think all this waiting for things to happen is getting to me, I just need to get there and get on with it. And I'm sad about the guy I like and the timing, but I haven't heard from him so I don't think that was going to go anywhere even if I was in the UK.

I will just have to accept that vbeing stressed is Ok and it doesn't mean I'm doing the wrong thing.

SoloTheCharmedOne Wed 08-Oct-08 22:29:46

Can I go in your stead please?

beansmum Wed 08-Oct-08 22:33:06!

ClaudiaSchiffer Wed 08-Oct-08 22:49:23

Beansmum, don't worry, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. In the last few months leading up to our move to Australia I'm sure I went a leetle mad. Honestly, looking back I was so stressed and anxious and just unhappy for periods of time as well as being excited and positive. It is a HUGE move, you are bound to feel very up and down about it. I think one of the positives of going as a single parent is that you are responsible for your decisions - yes, I know that makes it very hard but also you can just please yourself. If you go and love it BRILLIANT. If you go and find it harder than you thought then you can choose to come back. It's all up to you luv.

I would brace yourself for the next few months to be very up and down. This is all perfectly normal, I found the absolute worst time for me was sitting in the departure lounge at H'row with dd and feeling absolutely bereft. But I got to Australia and things have worked out great.

Good luck x

chloeb2002 Thu 09-Oct-08 23:06:37

sounds like you have it all sorted... id guess money would be tight in the UK too... so with all the t's crossed and the I's dotted just go for it. It will be tough godd bad awfull and great probably all within one week if not one day but go for it....

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