Visiting family but not staying with family

[allfurcoatnoknickers]

Thinking far, far ahead to when borders open again and we're able to visit the UK again. Does anyone visit family without staying with family?

My relationship with DM is...difficult and our last few visits haven't gone particularly well. I've got toddler DS now, and I think to stave off disaster it might be better if we don't stay with then next time we go back to the UK. My parents house is also a borderline hoarding situation (hoarder with loads of space IYSWIM) and the idea of keeping DS under control there with every surface crammed with stuff fills me with dread.

Has anyone done this and had it work out ok? Is it a pain to constantly be running back and forth? Were your family slighted or upset? I'm considering renting an Air BnB a few miles away, closer to the city center so we have things within walking distance.

[Insert1x20p]

We bought a house in the UK a few years ago for somewhere to camp out while we're there and because DMIL doesn't have room for us. I used to rent somewhere before that.

When we then go to my parents we do stay with them. They are very welcoming but I think they find it hard to go from just the two of them to all of us in the house and constant DC noise. Three weeks is the limit.

I'd say go for it if you can find a nice Air BnB or something. The "feast or famine" nature of expat family relationships is not easy.

[MixedUpFiles]

We always get a hotel. I prefer having my own space, a proper bed, and no complicated queuing for the shower created by the extra people.

My parents always seem a bit annoyed, but they deal with it. I think it’s mostly they just don’t understand why we would ever spend the money.

My sibling and I happily use hotels when we visit one another.

[CorvusPurpureus]

I would.

My dc spend the majority of their time in the U.K. with their father, & I tack on a few days with my parents at the end.

3 days is our limit all under one roof! & even without the dc, eg if I escort them to see their father & am then of no fixed abode in the U.K., I might spend a couple of weeks with my parents but I make sure I'm off travelling or seeing friends for at least a couple of nights.

My dm can't cope more than a couple of days with noisy teenagers/mess/disruption/my parenting , & whilst df lets it wash over him I'm sure he's also relieved to have some peace & quiet.

If we were based near them for any length of time, it'd be AirBnB for everyone's sanity.

[CorvusPurpureus]

Sorry - my dc live overseas with me! But when we visit the U.K., they go to their dad's. Wasn't entirely clear!

[Londonnight]

I've done it. Son lives in Canada and once grandchildren started coming along there just wasn't room for me to stay as well.
I stayed in an air b&b just around the corner from them and it worked really well. I spent most of the day with them, then came back to the air b&b in the evening. To be honest it was nice to be on my own for a bit. I do enjoy my own space, so it was ideal.

[allfurcoatnoknickers]

Thanks all! This is helpful. I've found some lovely, not crazy expensive Air BnBs not too far away.

Previously DH and I have done a few days with my parents and then gone off somewhere on our own. We always invite them along, and they always find a reason not to some, and then DM gets in a massive strop because we don't spend enough time with them.

@Insert1x20p Feast or famine is the best way to describe it. My home town is crazy expensive, or I might be tempted to do the same...

[BritWifeinUSA]

All the time! My mum lives in a one-bedroom retirement flat in a complex exclusively for over-60s. She lives alone and I find it extremely tiny for one person but I’m used to American houses now. So I have no choice but to stay in an Air BnB or hotel. Even if she had the space I would still book my own place. It can be very intense spending 24 hours a day with someone you see only every 2 years or so, for me and her, do it’s nice to have some separation. I also tell my mum that I don’t want to burden her with washing extra towels, buying extra food, hogging her bathroom in the morning, etc.

[allfurcoatnoknickers]

@BritWifeinUSA I agree about all the extras - food, washing, hogging the bathroom etc. There's always a loads of stress over food and extra stuff everywhere when just the two of us visit, so add a toddler into the mix and it's a recipe for family rows.

I'm also in the US. DH is American and struggles a bit with my parents' very non-American bathroom. Also the fact that a 4 bed house only has one bathroom and a downstairs loo blows his mind .

[elp30]

My in-laws are lovely people and I have a very good relationship with them. They live in a three-bedroom house but whenever my family visit them in England (four of us), my children stay with them in their home but my husband and I stay in a hotel nearby. My children enjoy being spoiled by their grandparents away from me and their father and it is nice that they get to bond. In fact, the in-laws encourage us to take off. It was very much appreciated because it was the only time we had time alone without the children since I don't have close family in the city we live in the US (my nearest relative lives over 750 miles away).

We discovered that the house next door to my in-laws has been turned into an Air B&B. The previous owners were very close to my husband and his family for over 40 years but when they died, their children sold the house to an investor and he does a good trade renting it out. It would be fun to stay next door.

Here's hoping we can all visit our family's soon.

[lljkk]

Have done it & should have done it more.
My parents are kind people but precious.
I dread idea of staying with them again more than 2 or 3 nights.

[GillBiggeloesHair]

I stay in self catering accom like an Airbnb, my Dads place is in the back of beyond, doesn't have central heating or Wifi.