I don't know what to do

[sandcastles]

Dh hates it here in Australia. Said last weekend that he now understands why he left here in 1989. I just don't know what to do. He wants to go back to the UK, I don't. If we go back he will be happy, I will be miserable. I don't get homesick, I miss friends, but that's all I miss.

I did as he asked, I gave it all up in June 06 to start a new life with him in Australia. EVERYTHING I had ever known for 32 years, friends/family/familiarity ....EVERYTHING.....
He missed family, he wanted his daughter to know his family better than an odd visit here & there, he didn't like the UK....so many points he used to sell Australia to me. But in reality it didn't take much, I always said I'd follow him here, if that is what he wanted. And now he wants me to do it all over again, only I can't! I can't give it all up again. I think he is the problem, I think Australia/UK, he will still be unhappy. But he thinks the problem can be solved by leaving one country for another. The other thing is...I have no idea what the 'problem' is....

Now, I have to live with the fact that my actions (or inactions) are making him miserable & I don't know how long I can go on feeling like this. Feeling that at any time he can throw it in my face. He is miserable & it is my fault. Said he'd be on a plane tomorrow if I would go. He says he knows it is his fault he is unhappy & he doesn't blame anyone but himself.....But each day as his mood darkens I find it harder to believe.

I told him I couldn't live with him being this miserable & snappy for the rest of my life & he said I wouldn't have to, he'd not be here long enough. That he wouldn't stay here that long becuase he has never been more miserable than these past 2 months.

So do we live eternity being miserable, because if we are together here or in the UK either one of us will be, or do we call it a day & I stay here & he goes? That is, if I am allowed to stay here without him, as I couldn't enter the country without him....

Because I don't know what to do.

[CatherineZetaJones3839]

Oh sandcastles I'm so sorry things are so rough.

He may say he doesn't blame anyone but himself, but it is you that is taking the brunt, and it is so unfair.

Is he working? Does he hate his job, or the culture? Is he depressed, would seeing a therapist help possibly?

I'm sorry this is not much help, but just wanted to give you some virtual support x

[CatherineZetaJones3839]

(whoops, it's littlelapin by the way! not famous actresses popping in )

[sandcastles]

Thanks LL, I was kinda sure that CZJ wouldn't be too worried about me, so was wonderiing who you were.

He is working & I do know he isn't too keen on the job. He literally walked into it when we got here & it was always only a stop gap until we were settled & he had time to look for something else.

He says that it is boring here, that there is nothing to do, but all day he just sat & watched TV or locked himself in our room, not wanting to take dd to the park, as he promised her. So the 2 of us went instead. Also, he didn't really actually DO that much in the UK so I don't understand what he means really.

He has also said he misses UK pubs/pints

I was thinking depression, but he isn't the person to see dr's, let alone therapists, but the sugesstion is worth a try. He is on propanolol for anxiety, which he started just before we left the UK. He saw a therapist years ago about this & didn't complete the 'course'.

[sandcastles]

I'll try posting on the feeling depressed board, see what they say.

I don't know too much either, so would be good to get insight. Getting dh to DO anything will be altogether a different thing!

[sandcastles]

Thank you...& thanks for taking the time to reply.

[arfishy]

Oh Sandcastles, I'm really sorry to hear this. What a nightmare for you.

What is it do you think that he really hates about Australia? There are pubs here and a schooner is nearly a pint isn't it? There's loads to do too. Do you think he is blaming Oz for feeling unhappy but it's something else making him unhappy?

If he wasn't happy in the UK before what makes him think that he would be happy if he went back?

What do YOU want? Do you want to stay and bring your DC up here? Do you want to stay with DH even if it means returning to the UK? Where would you rather be?

[MrsJohnCusack]

what a horrible situation for you

but you know, he does sound depressed and I reckon that's what needs to be sorted out first. Easier said than done, obviously, but I guess one option is to try to get him to see that it isn't the place that's the problem, and moving back isn't going to solve it (especially if moving back makes you miserable too)

[sandcastles]

I really don't know what it is. I know it isn't as simple as missing pubs/pints, because he goes to the pub every Friday after work. A friend wondered if it is because I am settled here & getting more independant (learning to drive etc), so 'needing' him less. I have tried to make him feel needed, but it is hard.

I have friends here & we have all met up together. My friends hubby plays cricket & says he will be more than welcome to play (he used to years ago in the UK) but he won't.

He wasn't as unhappy in the UK as he is here, but there were small things. When we were going through the visa process he was worried that we wouldn't get it & stressed over it, so this change has really knocked me.

I want to stay. I am settled, dd is settled & I really don't want to have to uproot her or me again. I don't want to drag dd away from her relationship with her Grandparents. I don't want to turn her world upside down again. I feel part of a family here, his parents treat me like their daughter, not their DIL. They do so much for me, for us!

I was wondering if it was because it is winter, we don't do much. But it isn't for want of trying. His parents are happy to sit for us whenever we want, but he doesn't want to go out. he was happy enough in the Summer, going to the beach after work, at weekends etc. This really is just the last couple of months that have been like this.

[sandcastles]

MrsJC, I agree. It IS him, I know it is & I have tried to tell him that going back will just change the background, not the problem.

But he seems to think that it will.

[sandcastles]

Dd is 4. She loves it here & is so settled that after being attached to my hip for the last year she went of to kindy & just let me leave, no tears, no fuss no nothing.

I did do all the paperwork etc to do with coming here. We did have a migration agent, but I had to collect info & fill out the forms for him. I had to arrange house viewings/sale/removals etc. He helped pack, of course.

We would have nothing left if we went back, all the money we have saved from the house sale (that is how sure he was, we sold instead of renting) will go on fees etc. We would have nowhere to live, and would have to stay with an aunt, which would be a nightmare. I'd have to return to work as we couldn't live on his wage. We managed before as we had such a low mortgage. So out the window goes dc#2. I have put TTC on hold, even though I am wanting another, it wouldn't be fair.

He isn't Australian. He lived here from the age of 3 to 21, but never got a citizenship. We got in on the former resident visa. Which is why I am not sure where I stand. I plan to email our agent & ask him.

[mymama]

Oh sandcastles. Sorry your dh is feeling this way. I can't give you any advice on whether he is depressed or not but I do know of a couple who came to Australia to live and the wife ended up going back to the UK with her dd. She was the one with Australian citizenship and it was her dh who wanted to move here. She stayed two years and hated every bit of it whilst he loved every bit of it. In the end she went home and he stayed behind. After two years he was able to stay here on his own and apply for citizenship. They went through a lot of heartache and stress for the second year. It has been one year since she went back and she does not regret it at all and he does not regret staying on here.

Perhaps your dh only remembers the good bits of living in the UK and is struggling here with his job and the winter at the moment. Could he go back for a holiday?

[sandcastles]

mymama, the holiday is a good idea. I'll suggest it.

I have tried to remind him of why he wanted to come here, I don't think he says that much when I mention it.

His parents neighbours are going back to scotland to live in 2008. They have been here 2 years & the hubby is unhappy. The wife wants to stay, as do the children (they are early teens) but he wants to go, so they all go. I think he wishes I would do that. In fact I know he does & part of me wishes I could do it too, but I want to be here.

[mymama]

I don't think two years is long enough to decide. It takes at least that long to feel settled and make good friends. We only moved from Central Qld to Brisbane and I know it took at least that long to feel like I was at home.

Send him back for winter and see how he feels about it .

[chocchipcookie]

Dear Sandcastle. I posted on another thread about feeling homesick in the US so I can see how strong those feelings might be for your dh. But I am going to stay in the US, I am married to an American and I have a dd, 6 months here.

I don't think I will ever settle unless I totally COMMIT. I suggest this is true for your dh too? Sitting around moping about the UK is not going to help and also I think I (he?) tend to idealise the UK, recall the good things and forget the bad.

I think he will be equally miserable in the UK from what you have said and I agree with the others about depression. It sounds as though the move is something to blame for him but it's not the real issue.

I find making a daily plan really helps.

Good luck!

[israel]

Dear Sandcastles...where in Australia are you...I'm in Perth if that helps....we could meet for a chat/coffee?

[sandcastles]

I don't think he has tried to settle, mymama. I hated the thought of going to playgroups, but I did it for me as well as dd as I knew I needed friends around to help me feel settled. We really thought it would be me who felt unsettled, not him.

He has bumped into 2 guys he knew before, but made no effort to extend on it.

chocchipcookie, he does just see all that is good in the UK & all that is bad here. It has gotten to the point that I'll not moan about anything here as I know it will set him off.

I think the inital novelty has worn off & I think that will happen in the UK too.

I think he is having a mid life crisis, he is 40 in November!

Israel, thank you that is so kind, If I were in Perth I would take you up on the offer but I am in Adelaide. I do have a wonderful friend here that I have told bits & pieces to, but she is sick & I don't think it is fair to take this to her, today!

[arfishy]

It can't just be winter that's making him down though surely? Is there a problem at work perhaps?

What's gone on in the last 2 months? That's not enough time to knee-jerk a return to the UK - it costs so much money and effort to relocate. It's a big deal, it really is. So what's gone on in the last 8 weeks that's making him want to go 'home'?

[sandcastles]

No, you are right, it ISN'T just winter, I guess that is me just 'hoping' it can easily be gotten over. Clutching at straws before our world has to be turned upside down, one way or another.

Arfishy, I ask, he says the usual! "I hate it here, wish I'd never come back" It's like going around in circles. I'll keep asking, maybe one day he will give up more than he does now. He told his mum it was boring here, exactly what he tell me.

The only thing work related is that he gives a lift to a guy he works with. To work & back. He says that he prefers to drive in on his own to wake up (am) and wind down (pm) so I told him to tell the guy it's no go now. But he said he couldn't do that as it has become expected of him. So I gave him a few 'excuses' but he just shrugs.

I was thinking of asking his dad to talk to him, but I am not sure he will tell his dad anymore than he tells me.

[superloopy]

Sorry to read this sandcastles.

Your DH is sounding very difficult to get along with at the moment but it sounds as though he could have SAD. Can't remember exactly what it stands for but it's when you get depressed in winter due to the lack of sunshine. I know it can be treated with light therapy but maybe you could google it and get more info.

I have just returned to Oz after living in London for 10yrs. I am Australian and DH is British. I really worried about he would cope being here as he too has a history of depression but so far (only 2mths) he is loving it. I feel very responsible for our situation and when I have asked him if he is ok he has told me that yes somedays he gets annoyed and doesn't want to be here he just has to remind himself of all of the daily shite we dealt with in London. Plus he doesn't have very close relationships with his family so doesn't have that pulling him back there.

Maybe if your DH wrote a list of everything which he doesn't like here that could be changed like his job, friends, social circle etc. But he needs to know you aren't prepared to move back to the UK, you have made your sacrifices. Only he is responsible for his own happiness but not at you or your DD's expense.

If he was a single person then hey he can do whatever he pleased but he has a family and responsibilities. He is just going to have to put up or risk losing everything. From what you have written his attitude has annoyed me - sorry. He cannot uproot you all again if he isn't prepared to seek treatment for any health issues he has first.

Sorry for the rant and ramble, I should have gone to bed ages ago.

[sandcastles]

super, please don't apologise for being annoyed at him...it just clarifies to me that he is the one asking too much of me & not me being awkward by not wanting to uproot us all again!

Sometimes I relax in the confidence that he will not leave us. I know how much we mean to him & how much harder it will be for him if we are apart. But then he says things like he did today, when he said he'd not be here long enough to make my life miserable & it is all thrown into doubt.

He does know that I won't go back. I have told him that I won't do it to me nor dd. You are right, I have made my sacrifices & now he needs to make his. I'll get on to him (gently) about changing jobs, maybe that will help.

I'll look into SAD, thank you.

[superloopy]

Maybe it is time to to get his parents involved. They know what he is like and may have more/different advice.

I spent a few of my 'single' years in Adelaide and it can be a little quiet, great for family life though. (smile)

[BecauseImWorthIt]

TBH it sounds like you need to have a proper conversation with him, not just him moaning and you trying to keep the peace.

You need to get him to articulate what his problem is. Get him to write a list of all the good points about Australia and all the good points about the UK, and then list all the bad points as well.

It also sounds as if he needs to get off his backside and find a proper job, not just a stopgap, which is obviously not making him happy either.

I don't know much about depression but it does sound like he is suffering from it - apathetic, unhappy but not taking charge of himself or his situation - other than to moan.

I think you also need to decide what you really want. Would you be prepared to stay behind without him (assuming that you would be allowed to by the authorities, of course) - maybe it would put the ball in his court if you gave him that challenge.

Sorry not be more helpful, I don't envy your plight.