Would you move to the US

(91 Posts)
SlouM Thu 07-Feb-19 22:28:49

DH has been offered a promotion with his current employer - but in the US.

We have a choice to live in Dallas or the Silicon Valley area near San Jose. He's a high earner and the relocation will all be taken care of so my doubts aren't money related

DCs are yr 6 and yr 4 and we have almost ageing parents, especially my Mum who lives alone and doesn't have other family in the U.K.

I don't know what to think! Most of my instincts are to say no (especially regarding moving kids as they get close to senior school age) and because of my Mum. On the other hand it would be exciting and it's a great opportunity for DH.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for - just opinions really!

OP’s posts: |
madeyemoodysmum Thu 07-Feb-19 22:29:46

No. I could never live in a place that won’t put in gun control

CoteDAzur Thu 07-Feb-19 22:30:28

No way.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Thu 07-Feb-19 22:32:43

I never really felt the appeal of America. Then I was rather neutral to it. Now there’s no way I’d move there.

Why? I find everything too extreme.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Thu 07-Feb-19 22:33:34

And with aging parents, it will be a definite no.

WH1SPERS Thu 07-Feb-19 22:36:59

I have lots of thoughts / questions.

How long is this move for ?

What about your own job ? Would you be able to work in the US?

If not, how will you get to know people in your new location ?

Would your mum be able to come out and visit you - is she well enough to travel on her own?

Would you and the kids be able to come back and visit her - does she have the space to put you up?

How would it affect your legal situation regarding the kids - if you and your husband separated, would you have to stay in the US with them ?

Would your husband agree to transfer back to the Uk , say in a year , if you didn’t like it ?

Will he get Uk holidays or US holidays ? ( I mean number of weeks, not the dates ! )

It might be a good job for him , but don’t move unless it’s a good deal for you all.

Personally I’d go for Sam Jose over Dallas.

Summerisdone Thu 07-Feb-19 22:37:06

I was all ready to say take the opportunity and enjoy it, until you mentioned that you'd be leaving your ageing mum without any family. What is her network of friends like? How is her current heath and mobility? Would she struggle to get by without whatever support she may currently have from you and your family?

The children's ages I really wouldn't worry about tbh, in fact they're probably still young enough to be considered good ages to be able to uproot, they will very soon adapt to the new schooling changes and make plenty of new friends etc.

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purpleleotard Thu 07-Feb-19 22:40:38

Would rather stick pins in my eyes.

BritInUS1 Thu 07-Feb-19 22:46:39

I live in the San Jose area.

Pros
- Weather
- Beautiful scenery just a few miles away
- Experience

Cons
- Miles away from everything ! Means you have to travel a long way for holiday. Distance and cost to UK to visit family is also a factor
- Cost - everything is massively expensive. The other day I read an articles that said a salary of $130k here is considered low
- Medical Insurance - I hate the healthcare system here, it is massively expensive, even with it being subsidised. You have to worry about being in network, there are always copays, etc, etc

We have been here nearly 3 years now and I love it most of the time, but I hate how far away we are from family. It can be extremely lonely.

We don't have children, so I know nothing about schooling.

What type of visa will he get? Will you be able to work?

SlouM Thu 07-Feb-19 22:47:47

Thank you so much everyone!!

My mum is probably my biggest worry. She does have good friends and she'd probably kill me for saying she's ageing - shes 71 and in pretty good health, she could come and see us (although probably couldn't afford it so we would be wrangling over getting her to accept a ticket - she's very proud!!). We lived overseas before for a long time and it's just nice to be able to see her every 3-4 weeks (we don't live that close) and of course be there in case of emergency. I have other parents/ in laws but they're all married and have family in the U.K.

I do worry about the kids - mainly about the schools. And yes, I am worried about Trump, extremists and not fitting in as a bit of a liberal lefty but I've been to the US plenty of times and know that you get all sorts of views there, like anywhere. The gun thing is a massive personal worry.

I could work there, although I wouldn't immediately. I have a job here but I have already taken lots of steps back to take on more support for the kids as DH has got more senior. Obviously I would need to iron this all out with him but he's lovely and a real family man so I don't feel vulnerable about going and it not working out - I'm sure we'd just come back.

OP’s posts: |
Springwalk Thu 07-Feb-19 22:49:39

No way. Not under any circumstances. I like US and Americans but couldn’t live there

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Thu 07-Feb-19 22:53:02

I have family who emigrated there many years ago and the homesickness has got terrible over the past few years.

I think you do get more like this as you age and when you have set your roots down it’s very hard to return. And agin, no I wouldn’t leave my mum (mum actually died very suddenly).

FeedMeBooks Thu 07-Feb-19 23:03:22

I would maybe go to San Jose for the experience for a fixed term say three years. Wouldn't consider Texas. Too hot, more gun happy & you can marry at 14.
Schooling is a key factor. Have a friend who didn't go as they have no equivalent of GCSE at 16 so you realostically have to come back before year 9 or stay until children are 18.
To you definitely get a work visa for you as well as DH?

SingingSands Thu 07-Feb-19 23:17:39

No, I don't see the appeal. I have family who have moved to US then back again, I have a US friend who is back there after 12 years in the UK and she hates it.

I know it can seem exciting and the salary can appear great on paper, but there really isn't anything attractive about moving to America.

Holidays, healthcare, education, fucking guns everywhere, lack of variety (eg weekends here can be coast, moors, forests, mountains or a European city), having to drive everywhere, leaving family would all be big cons for me. I can't think of many pros.

pallisers Thu 07-Feb-19 23:29:40

I live in the US (emigrated here) on the east coast and I love it. No issues with guns (have never seen one outside of a cop's holster), health care is fine, education is good (but very different to UK system once you hit secondary school), I walk everywhere, people are just lovely, great community. Very little crime. There were 2 break ins in our town (major urban area) this month and they hit the main news with the police promising they would find the culprits and they had upped their presence.

All that said (just had to point out that a lot of what is thought about america is very specific to certain areas and utterly untrue of others), I honestly wouldn't move if I were you. The aging parents thing is huge. I am on the east coast a short night time flight from family and it was still huge - you would be travelling for a day. My children missed out a lot of regular contact with grandparents/cousins etc. They do have some family here so that helped a bit but it was hard. Both my parents died - one year I went back 7 times. As my parents aged, I wished I could be there to help more (I did what I could). And I had a very supportive sibling at home who did a lot of the heavy lifting. We used all our vacation time on trips home for years - which isn't really a holiday so you don't have a holiday. And being an immigrant is sometimes exhausting - you speak the same language but not really. everything culturally is different. At a certain point it becomes very very hard to move children back to your home country. They make friends, they have a life etc.

If it was for a year or 2 years and then definitely back home I would say go for it it will be a great experience. If it is an open-ended move - I wouldn't.

WoollyMummoth Thu 07-Feb-19 23:56:47

Go! Go! And did I mention go! What’s the worse that could happen. You decide as a family it’s not for you and you move back. My mum is 74 and would be mortified if I said she was the reason for not taking this opportunity.

halfwitpicker Thu 07-Feb-19 23:59:58

I'd go too.

anxiousbundle Fri 08-Feb-19 00:00:27

I couldn't face the homesickness I think! But then I have anxiety so it's probably blown out of proportion for megrin I've never visited American but I don't think I'd be brave enough to go anytime soon unless with my parents as well as my boyfriend. (Good support network!)

America is also massively expensive + the healthcare aspect is massively off putting to me.

Do you know how long he'd be there for? To be honest I guess it would be okay until the kids are 11/12 then it would depend on whether you want to go back to England to do the secondary years there or commit to living in America long term.

arkela Fri 08-Feb-19 00:02:45

I would go (and did!) I live in the Midwest and love it here. So much opportunity here - I think you'd be crazy not to try it to be honest.

lovely36 Fri 08-Feb-19 00:23:27

Yes! I'm from California and contrary to what people believe about guns and Americans couldn't be any more untrue. I'm in England now and I'd do anything to move back to California.if you have a chance to move to California I would take it right away! It's absolutely beautiful, sunny, people are lovely, friendly, and is very safe. It's a different way of life. As soon as you wake up the sun is out, kids are out, people are out on walks, walking their pets, everyone is happy and in a good mood. It's absolutely beautiful. Living in California feels like being on holiday but it's your everyday life. I miss it so much and can't wait for the day I can go back.

lovely36 Fri 08-Feb-19 00:26:43

I'd say before commuting or saying no, go for a week and see how you like it first.

anxiousbundle Fri 08-Feb-19 00:28:03

@lovely36 year long sunshine sounds like a dream- I automatically wake up in a good mood in the summer here in the U.K.! Would probably help my seasonal depression too if we didn't have such dark winters.

isitfridayyett Fri 08-Feb-19 00:29:01

I moved to America 10 years ago and love it...haven't regretted it for a second! It sounds as though your DH has a great job which would therefore include healthcare insurance and to be honest the service you can get here with insurance is unbeatable.
There are so many opportunities and so many places to explore within the States. My DH and I are both British and go back approximately once a year and although we love our trips to London, we always can't wait to get back to the luxuries and conveniences of living in the US. If your DC are at all sporty then the opportunities that will be available to them here through high school and college will be amazing as well. I'd definitely recommend it!

Newsername Fri 08-Feb-19 00:30:57

No way Jose (see what I did there?!)

Trump. MAGA caps. Trump. Guns. Guns. Guns. Government shut downs. Trump. Crap healthcare. Trump. Why would you do it?

Rtmhwales Fri 08-Feb-19 00:34:29

I'd go in a heartbeat. I'm Canadian and lived in the US and UK and would choose Texas in a heartbeat - your money would go much further there. Lovely weather, friendly people, lots to do. The gun control is not nearly as bad as everyone thinks hmm I've lived in Arizona and Texas, two states with the lowest control rates and never had an issue.

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