How to continue my career as a trailing spouse?

[Winterinthesun]

It's been 7 months since we moved to NY, I've finally gotten my EAD work permit and can now look for a job but I don't know where to start. I worked in a niche role in the charity sector in London, a sector which is huge in NY but I can't figure out how to break into here. I feel I gave up my life and career for DH to have this opportunity to work here but I can't figure out how to pick up my life again here. I've been told the only way to get a job is by personal connections, I've never gotten a job in London like that, and personal connections take time to build up and where do you even start?. I feel lost and down and I would appreciate any advice from others who have had to start over again. No DCs, we will start TTC next year which again makes me annoyed we are living here in the land of no maternity provisions and then I think, why did I move here again? I keep going in circles and its not good since I then get down again, I'm not unhappy here, I just don't know how to build MY life again. DH is fine, at work, doing well etc.

I've been volunteering with an animal shelter as that's as the only volunteering I was allowed to do by the company lawyers. I like it but it's far from what I did.

The other US v U.K. thread is a mix of too depressing to read and most experiences seem so far away from what I'm experiencing that it feels like I'm in different country. I don't even know where to turn to express these thoughts, other "trailing spouses" (hate the term but it's useful as a description) that I know personally either moved with their companies or had kids and decided not to work or found it easy to get a job as their work was more general (ie admin assistant or exec PA type things). I fit into none of the boxes, and am really struggling with being at home. I loved my job but the whole market/industry is so different I don't know where to start looking. Sorry this a jumble of thoughts, it's been a rough few days.

TLDR: how do you start over again when you don't know anyone and without emotionally crashing all the time?

[Ginger1982]

You sound very down. Have you made any friends over there that could give any advice?

[Winterinthesun]

Most of the friends we've made are british ex pats who pretty much all on "timed" (2-3 years) contract. I have some American acquaintances, who have all said the "you need personal contacts to get a job" but when you ask it's "I went to college with that person" or "I worked a previous job with them" no one them know how to start from scratch or how it feels to do it.

I have moments of being down and moments of acceptance and being happy with the move. It's a mix bag of emotions.

[diodon]

Sounds like you're having a tough time . Six months after moving can often be a low point. Its great news you've got the EAD through though. Is there a reason you're waiting to start TTC till next year?

I think if you haven't made much progress on the job hunt you're probably better getting any job in your sector then you'll have some US references and work history. Take temporary work. Much easier to sell yourself once you're in the door.

Assume you've done the basic stuff like had your resume checked by a US recruitment person to remove the UK quirks? You've clearly stated right at the top you have a work visa?

Otherwise, have a stiff drink, stop being British :D and get out there and sell yourself!!

[BeautifulPossibilities]

Can you contact similar charities and ask how they recruit? Start making connections that way

[Beetle76]

Now that you have your EAD could you start volunteering at a similar charity in your field, rather than the animal charity? Start making connections that way? I think it’s one of those being in the right place at the right time things, so you’ll never manage to find that sweet spot if you aren’t out and about.
I’ve been in your shoes and I don’t mean to be a downer, but I ended up changing fields when we moved because I just didn’t have the same “right” contacts in the new country to carry on what I was doing before.
I’ve enjoyed the career change and have had the time and the means to study, and made some lovely friends through my course. (No kids, so quite tricky to make friends with local people my own age as they regard me with suspicion, being childless!)
Incidentally, we are now looking at another move - to the US this time - and I’m seriously questioning if I’ve got it in me to make another move, and start again, this time being the wrong side of 40. Other than work, how have you found it?

[scotx]

From one trailing spouse to another.....I was also going to say make sure you've had your CV "Americanized" so it's not immediately obviously you're a Brit on a temporary visa. Set up a profile for alerts and check daily on job sites like indeed, I think it's an aggregate site that pulls jobs in from other sites? Make sure your LinkedIn is up to date. Contact prospective organizations speculatively with your resume....you never know you might just contact someone at the right time.

Failing that, you could technically work for a UK organization while in the US....it would add another layer of tax implications but now you've got your EAD you could. Maybe time to get back in touch with some old contacts from the UK. Any possibility of some consulting / freelance type work in your old field to get you back in the game? That could also be a nice transition so when you'e sending your resume out, you're currently working.

[diodon]

If it needs personal connections to get a job, your husband should have made plenty in 7 months. Has he mentioned to his colleagues that you've now got your visa and are looking for a job and if they know someone/someones partner/family member who works in that sector? People love to help out.

[Winterinthesun]

I've had a meeting with a recruiter and removed all UK quirks from my CV and I've also made it really clear I have a work permit and will not need sponsorship etc.

I selfishly don't want to comprise and take any job. I had a job I hated and did it for 3 years because it was taking me somewhere and then I took a job I loved and I don't want to go back to doing a job I don't want to do because it's going to take at some point to a better place. I can't face doing that again. I was in a critical place in my career back in London, I took a more junior position to do a side move and I was about to take a jump up and now I don't have the strength to back and start at a junior level again. How to find that strength again?

@BeautifulPossibilities Do people really do that? I wouldn't know what to say. Maybe that's the answer but I feel very embarrassed even thinking about approaching a stranger like that and being direct like that it isn't something I'm comfortable. I wouldn't know what to say.

We are waiting to TTC because of a big personal/family event which is next year but It's also to give us space to get used to being away from family and settle into NY.

[Winterinthesun]

I can't volunteer in the type of work I did. Could be outing but I worked in private foundations so not charities in a typical sense. It's also why I can't work for a UK foundation in the US, UK foundations don't fund US projects.

@Beetle76 like you I've done it before and it's hard doing it over again. In more general terms, I'm finding the US ok, very hard to make friends without kids, going to church/temple, or joining a sports team. I like the shopping and the restaurants, hate the supermarkets (terrible!), lack of infrastructure , too much plastic and waste everywhere and lets never mention the politics. It can be a great place to live though we like the nature and seasons.

I've thought about changing careers but again it's the thought of starting over that I can't face so I figured at least I know the vague intricacies of my current industry. To change careers I would need to back and get a masters etc and that's another 2 years before getting work.

[scotx]

How long are you planning on being in the US? Do you see this as short term and returning to UK in a couple of years or are you looking longer term, settling kids into school here etc in the next 5-7 years?

[Winterinthesun]

@scotx we are on a local contract so anything goes. It's likely to be 5-10 years but if they need him back we'll go back in 3 years.

[JanetLovesJason]

You could try volunteering for a University. They have charitable status. They often have pretty deep links to foundations. And they often have good internal networking opportunities.

You could also look for one of the US based foundations set up by British Universities to fundraise in the States. They have strong links with the Development Offices back in the UK, and those offices would possibly be interested in your connections back home/your potential future. And they are nearly always interested in the gamekeeper’s perspective.

You could even think about volunteering as e.g. an alumni contact in the US for your alma mater. They may or may not have a foundation in the US which you could volunteer at. That’d be a way to meet people you have something in common with who are already working in the States.

[JanetLovesJason]

Oh and US foundations do sometimes fund UK projects, or international projects involving a UK partner, so someone might be interested in learning a bit about the UK landscape. Depending what the field is.

[scotx]

Hmm, that's quite open ended then isn't it which probably doesn't make the situation easier, not knowing whether to throw yourself into looking for a job for right now and possibly having to compromise on job / sector / salary etc. or take a longer term view which could include retraining or going back to school. Presumably going back to school to get a Masters would be an extortionate amount of money?

[Beetle76]

I hear you. My reservations about going are exactly what you mention. But it is such a good opportunity for my best beloved I’d feel like a tit for saying no, I’m not “up” to going. Right now, I’m hoping the offer just disintegrates when a more important project comes up here.
I’m really sorry you are having a rough few days though. Try to remember that it does get better eventually and I hope it falls into place for you soon.

[cestlavielife]

Can you do.something like a city choir or creative evening class to get to know other people?

[user1475317873]

You have not beens there long; I think the first year is hard and you have to give it a try, young clubs, gym, etc. Can you not find a job on the internet, perhaps looking for companies and approaching them directly? sending a letter with your CV. It is not easy to start in another country. Could your husband network help? maybe a change of career, a course/

I think it is harder if you don't have children as with children your get the chance to meet more people.

Best of luck, it hard but you will get there

[user1475317873]

join clubs, not young clubs. been not beens

[Winterinthesun]

@JanetLovesJason foundation money flows out of the US, sometimes to the U.K. that's true but the opposite isn't true in the same way. I didn't work in university research funding or alumni fundraising both are different.

I just keep thinking I gave up so much to move here can't I keep this one thing that was mine - my career. This thread is showing me I need to abandon this but it's proving hard.

I've done the usual indeed/LinkedIn searches, I have multiple search alerts set up. I'm doing the usual, I guess I was hoping someone would point out something obvious I'd missed, other than it's going to take time. My DH can't help me, not his industry. I worked very hard to get into what I did back in the U.K. and I'm doubting if I have the strength and/or time to do it again.

@user1475317873 I appreciate you taking the time to reply but I'm not looking for friends, a professional network is very different. I've doing all the usual things: gym, meet up groups, etc. while I've met some nice people (not at the gym) it's very superficial.

[BeautifulPossibilities]

I think just go for it and ask! Our British says of being reserved, especially in women don't pay off in these situations. I get that it's awkward but just try!

[JanetLovesJason]

What I am saying is

1. Your UK experience might be attractive to a US foundation if you offer to volunteer there. They offer you experience and contacts, you offer them insight into a different context
   

1. You don’t have to have university research experience or alumni fundraising experience to volunteer for a University/University foundation. They are usually quite happy to take generally competent people who are looking for experience/to make contacts. If you can use a computer well enough to input data or help send out mailings, or are good enough on the phone to book event venues you’d be ok.
   

3. Being an alumni volunteer contact in an overseas country usually only means being prepared to turn up at events, maybe get a bit involved in helping organise events, being prepared to meet other alums/travelling staff etc. Even if you just attend alumni events in NY, you will meet people who went to the same university you did, who are working in NY, who might be able to for, the basis of the kind of network you mention above- the equivalent of the people who are former Uni friends or colleagues, who introduce you to people or tell you about openings they heard about.

[JanetLovesJason]

And volunteering at a USFoundation/US university or University foundation would be a way of starting to build a professional network where there is some chance of overlap with your field.

[eurochick]

Can you get yourself along to sector-specific conferences or events?

[MumInBrussels]

Do your previous employers have professional contacts in the US they might be willing to introduce you to? If you did a good job for them and left on good terms, I can't see why they wouldn't, if they can.

Are there professional events in the sector? Conferences or seminars or other professional development type events? Could you pay for yourself to go to one of those to start meeting people working in the field where you are and introduce yourself as someone who's just moved over from the UK and looking for work in the field in the US?

These might not work for your specific area, but personal connections doesn't always mean a long shared history - just being able to contact someone and say something like "we met at X event and you said you might know someone looking for [job you do]; here's my CV in case it's of interest." is more likely to be well received than sending a CV in cold.

Also, are there any specialised recruitment agencies that might help you get a short-term contract to get your foot in the door and get some local references?

[Johnnycomelately1]

So your previous experience is as a grants manager? Just hit people up on Linked in. I’m in that role in Asia. I get loads of Linked in approaches from newbies and even though we’re not hiring I keep a list and generally meet people for a coffee/try to make relevant introductions. Even if they ignore the message they are extremely likely to accept the connection and then you have an in to their network/info about events they attend etc. I know what you’re saying though. Most US foundations are either domestically focused or international development focused