It's back with a vengeance...homesickness

[discombobulatednibblesnarf]

We have lived in our adopted country for going on 9 years now. Dh's home country, children don't remember living anywhere else...
I have struggled the whole time we have lived here. I have hated it, tolerated it, liked it, but never loved it. I have tried so hard to accept we will be here until the children finish school at least. I have succeeded to a certain extent too.
I have had a few deaths in my family over the last year and it has made me realise that I have less and less connection with MY home now.
We have a lot of 'international' friends and recently a whole bunch of them are moving home or to somewhere new. My gut feeling is jealousy that they get to leave. How sad is that?
It has brought all my homesickness to the surface again. I feel I'm just biding my time here until I can move on.
These feelings just sit under the surface, even though I think I have them well under control for the most part. One person says they're moving and 'BAM' I'm back to square one.
Just feeling sad and sorry for myself

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

I understand. We also live in my husband’s home country for a long time. Like you I’ve never loved it...people come and go all the time and I’ve kind of given up making friends because they leave after a year or so, so what’s the point.

It gets tiring.

[AjasLipstick]

Oh poor you OP :(

I am qualified to answer as I live (three years now) in DH's home country....VERY far from England with our DC.

Whilst I have had bouts of missing home, I certainly don't feel the misery you're describing. I quite often feel a sort of elation at where we live.

When you say you've tried to accept you'll be there at least until the children finish school...do you mean you'd all move back to the UK with children who are at Uni age?

How old are they now?

[BikeRunSki]

I don’t live abroad, so can’t sympathise in that respect, but 2 of my siblings do. You are not alone in your feelings, and they are quite justified.

Both DSis and DBro are counting the days until their youngest child leaves school, then they are planning to cone back to the U.K., spouse or no spouse. My sister certainly has always struggled with the transience of the international community.

[AjasLipstick]

I am curious...don't people worry about uprooting teens when they've just finished school? Don't they have their friends etc?

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

ajas tbf not everyone’s life has to revolve around their kids.

[AjasLipstick]

Step well no...I never said it did! But to simply expect 16 plus year olds to move back to the UK at the drop of a hat seems very selfish to me.

I wouldn't be surprised if a number of kids like this refuse to go.

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

It’s hardly at the drop of a hat, is it?

[AjasLipstick]

That's just a figure of speech obviously. I assume you know what it means? It means in this case...whenever the parents fancy it.

16 or so is a very vulnerable age.

[ThisIsTheFirstStep]

No, it means suddenly, on a whim. No one has said they are doing that.

Every age is a vulnerable age. Sometimes you just have to get on with it.

[discombobulatednibblesnarf]

There is no 'good' age to move kids,but the younger the better I think. We are at the stage that the kids have an opinion on a move, any move, not necessarily "home" either. I don't have a justifiable reason to move them anymore. Me not being happy is not a justifiable reason. My 'home' is not their 'home' anymore.
I'm just sad that I'm still getting homesick, and there isn't much I can do to change it.

[AjasLipstick]

Do you get back for visits at all OP? I think that a trip home once a year or preferably more, would help a lot.

[Copperbonnet]

It means in this case...whenever the parents fancy it

Very, very few of the expats I know have moved just because they fancied it.

They’ve moved because their employers or careers demanded it.

They’ve often moved home for the same reason or because they are needed by elderly relatives etc.

[discombobulatednibblesnarf]

Actually Ajas it's the opposite for me. I find the more I visit 'home' the harder it is to come back and 're-adjust' I haven't been home in a long time because of that.
I also agree that expats don't usually move at the drop of a hat. If only it was that easy

[PurplePumpkinPiss]

I understand OP. We are in the UK 10 years and it's been very good to us here. But. But. I've had enough, I hate being so far away from family and I am starting to get jealous of my friends who have family close by (and yes I do consider a 2 hour drive 'close' by!)

We are moving home this summer and I cant wait.

I did however find visiting home every 2 years helpful so I'm sorry to hear it doesn't help you. It made me feel like I could go at any time if I wanted to to see my family. Obviously it took 2 years to recover from the last trip with 2 dc before I felt as though I could do it again!

Do you have to be there until DC finish school? Is your DH considering the move back?

[lutjanus]

In an odd way I find trips "home" can reduce homesickness as you see that some of the homesickness is nostalgia for how things were then (9 years ago for you, longer for me), but when you visit you see people and places have changed and moved on and you have less of a connection.

[catinapatchofsunshine]

Do you think its because your personal links where you do live are to the international community not the local one? Are your kids more rooted in the local community?

International communities are always somewhat transient, there is always coming and going, someone is always talking about "going home". It must be hard to feel settled in a community of that nature.

We've lived in DH's home country for 11 years. My bouts of homesickness were horrendous in the first 5 years. They've gone now though. All I miss is the English language (but that is a massive deal - operating in your native tongue you can truly be yourself, and studying and bureaucracy are so very much easier)...

2 of our kids were born here and one can't remember living in Britain. I take them back because it's part of their identity, but Britain is their heritage not their home. I cannot imagine my kids ever living in the UK to be honest. They have roots, which are something I always wanted but never really felt I had as my parents moved a lot. I'm afraid I do agree I would not uproot settled children without an unavoidable reason (i.e. if employment was no longer possible where we are, or if it were a country where visas might be revoked, or if one family member was truly unable to manage - special needs not catered to, medical treatment not adequate, or truly depressed with a reason to believe a move would change that).

Do you feel fairly sure you would be happy if you moved "home"? I think there can be a serious case of rise tinted glasses for some people, especially if friends and family have moved on/ scattered and there is no slot to fit back into...

If you waited 5 years would your children stay where you now live without you? Might that actually be better?

Though I suppose having roots (for you in the UK but not living there) might be a problem too!

Is moving towards the local community and away from the international community not an option for you because they are closed/ unwelcoming or because of language? I doubt it's possible to stop feeling the way you do while all your local friends and support network are potentially transient and likely to move at some point.

[catinapatchofsunshine]

*rose tinted not rise tinted

[Abricot1993]

discom I totally get it. The friends who are leaving. Could you explain to them how you feel and ask them to introduce you to one of their friends you haven`t met?

I have now lived in 3 rented properties in the 12 years I have been away and this current property is closest to my property in the UK or families property. We all like it and feel more settled because of this.

The comment that visiting makes you feel more homesick. Agree it can do that. Also family visiting you makes it worse. When you go to the uk if you can return with a "project" that helps. Mine was learning to renovate wooden furniture then having a go at doing this back in the foreign country.
Take care, we understand