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I think I'm coming home but DH stays ..Anyone else?

(43 Posts)
Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 05:28:14

So I posted probably 3-4 months ago about how much I hated being where I am ..I've made the decision to return home I think for my mental health I need to get away from the isolation.

My kids will come back with me but for financial and career reasons DH should really stay and finish the remainder of his contract . It at least try

Just wondered if anyone else has done this part me thinks I can do this then I have a wobble ..I believe we have a very strong marriage but there is still the what ifs ...I will not go near the relationships board for the foreseeable future!

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 05:32:13

I should say remainder of contract will be 18months

amnesty124 Tue 03-Oct-17 05:39:40

Hi,

I'm in a difficult place - but this is the 3rd posting in a difficult place for the last 15 years running. My son was recently diagnosed with a long term medical condition and we are now talking about doing the same thing at the end of this school year. My husband isn't around a lot so it's easy for me to be alone with the kids.
Things must be bad if you want to leave. Do you have any support by way of friends where you are?

amnesty124 Tue 03-Oct-17 05:40:54

...just to say, it can be done. Do you think you might get resentful of the fact that he's not around to help with the kids?

Trailedanderror Tue 03-Oct-17 05:42:38

I've been a miserable trailing spouse, a happy one and dh is working away at the moment. It's utterly dependent on how far he'll be, how on board he is. How old are the dcs?

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 05:51:29

Dc's are 13 and 9, he won't be close 17 hour flight!! ...Only back for holidays sad

It's such a big decision the kids aren't that settled either and miss a lot about the UK so although it's mainly for me at least I'm not pulling them away from a place they love but they are very close to DH so I know it's going to be hard on us all

Trailedanderror Tue 03-Oct-17 05:55:08

I've read your other thread- you won't see him much and it'll be a financial strain (unless things have changed)
Having come out the other side I'd advise staying put. Worse case scenario could be breaking you all financially and your relationship. Would being back home really be that great?
Obviously another worse case scenario is that you stay and it breaks you mentally sad

BarchesterFlowers Tue 03-Oct-17 06:00:06

I did this, came home 11 months before DH because he was going to be away for most of the remaining time.

It was absolutely fine, I was so pleased to get back to the UK, to my friends and family and home.

DD was about 23 months so not as hard on her as your DC.

I wouldn't worry about the relationships board. I knew that we were both committed to our marriage and that it would be fine and it was. It was ten years ago now and we have had far more testing things for our marriage than 11 months apart!

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 06:05:22

I think we will be better off in the UK I can go back to work as I earn an ok salary , I have parents to help with childcare and DH will send about 80% of salary back to our joint account each month...

I hate no working it was a huge part of me and I only realised that when it was gone .

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 06:07:57

I do think I might resent him
Though even though it's my idea to come back, the fact I have to settle kids into a new school and set up a new home will be incredibly hard ..But it's that or I do think I will have a breakdown here

HyacinthBooquet Tue 03-Oct-17 06:11:54

Op, why are you isolated?

You mention 17 hours away so I don't think people would automatically assume youre in Australia or New Zealand. Are you in a place like that?

BarchesterFlowers Tue 03-Oct-17 06:12:58

I felt the same Wehave, gave up a really good career and absolutely hated it.

I didn't resent DH at all because I was so pleased to be home, seeing my family and friends and just getting back to normal. I was 200 miles from my family as we moved to where DH's job would return to and 50 miles from my close friends .... with a 2 year old.

People came to stay and I went to stay there, wasn't easy but I was much happier.

We didn't have any money worries.

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 06:13:55

No im in Asia but not an expat hub, rather not say where as it's only a small community of expats ..Just very isolating no where to walk to no friends nothing to do pretty much all day everyday

BarchesterFlowers Tue 03-Oct-17 06:19:32

I felt exactly the same Wehave, it was horrid, I was in New Mexico, I felt vv isolated. Didn't meet anyone I had even the remotest bond with, I just felt lost and often sad.

DH was so busy and full of what he was working on and I felt so miserable, almost constantly.

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 06:21:31

Flowers sounds very similar I'm really glad it worked for you ..I love my husband dearly but love my mental health more!

teddycat Tue 03-Oct-17 06:27:27

My husband worked away for 2 years on his own, I lived with him for 1. If there is an end in sight it’s not a problem and in many ways I found easier raising baby and toddler as it was all my responsibility so no arguments about who does what that we have now (petty).

Your mental health is so important for your children’s sake; for what it’s worth especially if you have support (I had none) I think you should come back.

teddycat Tue 03-Oct-17 06:28:36

Forgot to say, I think mainly I coped because I worked too

twinone Tue 03-Oct-17 06:36:30

My SiL came home with the kids.
He carried on working out there for another 6 years (Saudi), coming home for holidays only.
It worked out.

amnesty124 Tue 03-Oct-17 06:43:39

That must be very very tough. We're in India - you sound like you're somewhere like Jakarta (although there are lots of expats there so probably not). It's tough when you are so far away from home and i can't
imagine being in a place where there is no set up for expats in general. It seems like your mind is set. I think 18 months is doable. Just make sure that you try to
see your husband at
scheduled times like
once every 8 weeks. You could
even meet him halfway - Dubai or Bangkok for a holiday in the middle which will
give you something to aim towards. I found when stuck in the worst places that breaking up the time really helped, you just have to do this in reverse. I know that feeling of relief when you step off the plane at home.

TheLongRains Tue 03-Oct-17 06:44:32

You sound exactly like I did. It was slowly killing me, being so isolated. I tried to stay, seem to have permanently harmed my mental health by doing so, and eventually left before my husband to return to the UK. Though he was only a few months behind.

I do not regret it for a minute. Coming back was the best decision I've ever made. Even though I was on my own with our child, being able to get out, and see people and do things, saved what was left of my sanity.

18 months is much longer though, so I can see why you're feeling wobbly. If you reach the point of sheer despair, I'd probably still advise you to go for your own sake, despite the long time apart. You've got a good marriage, so you're one up on us ;) ours survived despite being insanely weak at the time I left.

Good luck, whatever you finally decided. And I'm sorry you're feeling like you do sad it's the worst feeling.

SandBlue Tue 03-Oct-17 06:47:40

Very, very common round here -big expat shithole. In fact, so common, DHs company has 2 different T&Cs. Family come with you, get bigger housing allowance, and school fees paid. Family stay at home, get more holiday and travel allowance.

How long have you been there? I had a massive wobble 1 year in. Now into year 3, and ok with it all. Still can't get a fecking job tho.

PerfectlyPooPoo Tue 03-Oct-17 06:51:54

I'd go home. I've been where you are but expat in the UK. I stayed though and while it nearly sent me over the edge it made myself a stronger person and dh and I a stronger couple.

I wouldn't do it again as I've proved to myself I can do it. If you have family and friends here then come home.

As long as you're sure your dh will be back in 18 months (won't want to extend contract?)

HyacinthBooquet Tue 03-Oct-17 07:00:32

Op I did wonder if it was some place like Papua New Guinea or an outlying place in Indonesia.

I think if you've made up your mind to go then nothing will change it and I do empathise as I still recall being the only woman on a military base in the middle of the ocean far away from land. I had my young children with me. There were 2000 men. The days were long till husband got home from work.

I hope things work out for you.

PositiveAttitude Tue 03-Oct-17 07:03:32

We were in South East Asia. Planned to be for 2 years minimum, but DS and I can home after 1 year, DH and DD stayed for the remaining year. We planned having Christmas together, but when it came to it we couldn't afford the flights, so didn't see each other for an entire year.

It was ok. We have a strong marriage and it was what was best for both of us at that time (and best for DS and DD too). It wasn't easy, but I had family and friends here and I honestly don't think I could have coped with the 2nd year away at that time. Sometimes I felt very far away from him - obviously, but I got on with life and settled back very quickly.
We did have raised eyebrows from some people who judged us for living so far apart for so long, but I wasn't bothered and thought "sod them" anyway. Do what you feel you need to do. Does you DH agree with your decision?

Wehavetogoback Tue 03-Oct-17 07:34:53

Positive thanks for that originally our oldest son we thought would want to stay but he admitted he wanted to come back too also as a year 8 it's probably best he comes back now than year 10.

DH would love me to stay but he clearly sees me slowly going insane daily.. He would prefer to come back as a family but doesn't want for us to be totally broke and for him to struggle to get a job due to breaking contract . There is also a decent bonus we were going to use for a house deposit that will be ours on completion of contract ..

I really wish I could stay but I hate every second of the day a week feels like a month here

I'm going to do it and just think everytime I get a tough day at least I'm not there

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