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Just so homesick

(47 Posts)
writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 02:56:38

Hey. I think I just need a handhold. I moved to Oz just over a year ago with my boyfriend. We met on holiday, he's English but has AU citizenship and been here ages. I've found it so hard to settle.

We moved in together straight away (had to for visa purposes) which means we never really "dated" - we went straight from long distance to living together. It's been hard - he's messy, I'm tidy, he snores, I'm a light sleeper, I eat healthily, he likes chips etc. I realise all couples have to negotiate this stuff but I've found it hard without my friends to provide a sounding board.

I feel like I'm an add-on to his life, rather than having my own life. I've joined clubs, exercise groups, meetups etc and made a few acquaintances but no one I could call a good friend.

DP knows I'm unhappy and we agreed to move back to the UK in a year's time when our rental here is up. But I'm struggling. I went back to London for two months in the summer on my own and I loved having my old/own life back. Totally fucking loved it. I was me again. And now I am back here and lonely as hell. I got really upset last night and we are going to talk later tonight.

Things are complicated further by the fact my entire family have booked to visit at Christmas - paid for flights and accommodation - and my niece is then staying with us for a month. So I can't leave as that would mess up their plans/cost them a fortune.

How do I know whether the problem is me and my DP or just living here? i.e. would it work in the UK? If we're meant to be together, why aren't we happy? Sex was great at the beginning but now it feels like a chore (to me). Is it just because I am so miserable? I work at home freelancing - love my job - and don't want to change that so meeting people at work isn't the answer. Is he going to resent moving to the UK with me the way I've started to resent leaving my lovely life to move to Australia?

I'm not even sure what I'm asking but advice from people who moved for a guy would be good, as it seems to throw up different issues that couples who move together.

AlphaStation Tue 19-Sep-17 04:14:08

I think it's neither you nor your DP or Oz, I think it's that you're far away from your family and that it's only been a few months so you're sort of free-floating down there without any real connections. Now you focus on little things that otherwise you wouldn't notice (although partner's snoring can be a real issue...). Meanwhile try to work those acquaintances to get them into the friends zone. Do you work? If not, try to find something else to do with your day, like serious studying some topic that you've always wanted to learn. You're really fortunate in the way that he's English and is prepared to move with you.

Expat38matt Tue 19-Sep-17 04:36:14

I've been there in 2 countries now and yes you have to have to have to find your own life friends and experience you can't rely on him
And if it doesn't work out that's fine go home
And if you break up before family visit - also fine - you can all air b n b together
Make decisions for your own happiness

beingsunny Tue 19-Sep-17 04:53:04

How old are you and where in oz do you live?
Do you like the lifestyle?
Take him out of the equation for a minute and see how you feel about your life, are you living a fulfilled life?

ReturnofSaturn Tue 19-Sep-17 05:03:48

Hi OP.

Im feeling exactly the same..also in Oz - Brisbane. Been here almost a year but havent been home to UK in over 3 years now as was living/backpacking in Canada where i met aussie husband.

Im also pregnant and want to go home so badly. Ive felt like this for ages. I just gotta hope husband will still agree to a move back to Uk next year after baby is born, as once baby is born here, if he refuses, ill be stuck here for good.

Whereabouts in OZ are you?

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 19-Sep-17 05:07:12

Just come home. Life's way too short too be unhappy. It feels like you're there for him but actually not really all that happy with him either!

Come home, if he wants you enough he'll follow and then you can see if you have a future with him.

ReturnofSaturn Tue 19-Sep-17 05:07:30

Yes i also worry about him being as unhappy as iam here and resenting me if we go to UK.
Hes Aussie, loves Australia, never lived in the UK. Even more worry and stress for me though being pregnant now, once baby is here will he still consider a move to UK??? I dont know who knows i just have to trust him...confused

Expat38matt Tue 19-Sep-17 05:55:15

I'm sorry to be a bummer but I don't see how an Aussie husband will ever agree to leave to go to the uk even after kids.
The reality is, if you take away missing your mum and friends etc, then life is (I found at least) just a little bit better
In the end I was lucky as altho we met in oz I met a Brit. We never made it back to "home" However despite my years of homesick pleas!
I'm lucky that where I am now is only a few hrs from my family but we still have ties to oz and tho I love it i know I would find it hard to have my kids so far away
Have u talked to your other halves about the future ? Surely it's fair to do a stint in both places while kids are young and you still can ?

over40andpregnant Tue 19-Sep-17 05:58:54

It's really hard
I would go home I think

We moved to oz and I am the same haven't found any friends etc and can't see how I will

I would go home if I could but with children I can't ..

ReturnofSaturn Tue 19-Sep-17 07:05:32

Hi expat38Matt
Yes of course I've talked to my husband about it, talked till I'm blue in the face.
That's interesting that you said you can't see an Aussie husband moving to the UK. Well not interesting but terrifying from my perspective as i desperately want to go home. What makes you say that? I came here to Oz so why wouldn't he go to UK?
I'm over 5 mths pregnant now and we don't have the money yet to move back over before the baby is born. He said he'd be willing to give it a go...but are there just words??? Once I have his child here if he refuses child to live in UK I wouldn't be able to go, even in the (god forbid not) event that we split up.

I'm so unhappy and stressed with this situation obviously as it seems in a way my whole life will be in his hands..... :S

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 07:59:53

I love the outdoors and stuff but I need people to do the outdoors stuff with. I went to boot camp last night and it was crap (bad instructor mainly) and I just missed my UK mega-sociable and great workout boot camp in the UK. And that triggered a whole new wave of homesickness and tears when I got home.....

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:01:44

I really feel for those of you with partners properly from other countries and with babies in the mix too.
I'd always quite fancied living in Oz, I just didn't think it would be like this. DP is generally lovely but crap sometimes like anyone.
It feels like a failure to head home without giving it a decent try.....

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:03:34

@beingsunny. I am 43 which is part of the problem. Most of the Brits who have just arrived and need friends are 20 something while people my age mostly have kids and so are less available.

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:06:09

@ReturnofSaturn. I'm in Sydney. I'm sorry you're having a hard time too, especially while pregnant - that should be a happy time.

beingsunny Tue 19-Sep-17 08:08:57

I know what you mean about those young arrivals, however I'm 37 and been here nine years, I've watched most of those friends I made head home.
I'm in sydney so it's a big but transient city, lots of English friends but now some Australians too, and Germans and Europeans. I'm a bit of an introvert so for years was just the plus one to my now exh social Group. When we split I realised I had to make a different effort, and have made more friends in the last couple of years than the previous seven.

If you're in sydney and fancy a wine let me know...

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:19:11

@beingsunny Yes I definitely fancy a wine. I can assure you I am more fun than this post suggests!

Struckbylightning Tue 19-Sep-17 08:26:52

I don't really have any advice op but lots of (useless) sympathy. I live in the Middle East and I often feel terribly homesick. As well as missing my family and friends I often feel an almost painful physical yearning for England, mostly the nature and landscape. I'm also very much an outdoorsy person and long to go for a walk in the woods or down the river. For much of the year here it's too hot to be outside for more that about 10 minutes so it can be torture!

Moving in with someone is a huge step by itself, but to do that in a new country adds a whole new dimension. I guess I would say that you need to take each day as it comes, use Christmas as a target, think about how lovely it will be to show your family around, plan lots of nice things you can do together. If you still can't settle after that then maybe it will be worth thinking about going home; all the better if he will come with you.

Have you ever read the blog 4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle? She blogs about Expat life, including issues of homesickness etc. Maybe worth a read.

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 08:36:32

Yes, I think the issue is compounded by moving in with someone, and so quickly. Previously I lived alone for 16 years - and was never lonely despite what people assume when you live alone. I am so used to having my own space and not clearing up after someone else (although he has improved a lot). Coupled with having no friends to discuss cohabitting issues with, it's been really hard. "My boyfriend leaves his pants on the floor" is not a great opener with new people....

I work at home (freelance) too and I didn't realise how hard living with someone and working at home would be - being disturbed, constantly having to remind him I am working, not just at home doing nothing etc.

Footle Tue 19-Sep-17 08:53:07

"I was me again".
I'm not sure how long you can argue with that feeling.

writergirl747474 Tue 19-Sep-17 09:02:34

Yes, exactly. I feel less like me and more like "someone's girlfriend" at the moment.

beingsunny Tue 19-Sep-17 10:46:55

Can you PM me?
I'm not sure how to do this, I only use the app on my phone confused

Footle Tue 19-Sep-17 16:26:52

Don't ever forget who 'you' is.

writergirl747474 Wed 20-Sep-17 01:23:00

Just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive comments on this thread. I was half expecting the "oh but Australia's lovely, why aren't you enjoying it" comments to start....

I had a chat with DP last night and we've decided to book a couple of fun trips to see more of Oz. Part of why I am down is being a bit bored. I'm a big traveller/adventurer (freelance life is good for holidays!) but have barely been outside Sydney since I've been here and overseas trips have just been to the UK. So I think some adventures will break things up a bit and hopefully get the old "me" back.

PolkaDotty7 Wed 20-Sep-17 01:42:59

ReturnofSaturn your post is really concerning, you sound so unhappy! Hugs. Do you have relatives or friends you can stay with in the UK? If I were you I'd make sure to have my baby in the UK, even if you just stay for an extended holiday with family. That will give you so much more freedom for the future. You can always go back to Oz later if you want to. You don't have to tell your husband your plans either, just that you want to stay with family for a bit or have the baby in your home country. He can join you later.

hellokittymania Wed 20-Sep-17 01:53:09

Hi there, no advice regarding your partner, but I have lived in a few different countries and I am actually having a very hard time sometimes here in the UK, I'm a citizen but have spent most of my life outside of this place and find the weather, not having family or close friends etc. nearby and other things like the health and safety that can prevent me from finding a job , volunteering position more easily due to my disability can be very hard. Not like southeast Asia at all. I've spent the majority of the past decade in Vietnam, where I speak the language I know everyone as I am one in a handful of foreigners with a disability to work in the country and I'm the only one who speaks Vietnamese. Ironically, I found the first two years in Vietnam to be hell. I was only 23 at that time and I really don't know how I got through it. I did though, and I'm sure I will eventually adapt to the UK.

Visas can make things very complicated, I know. I might have missed something in the thread, but could you volunteer? Does your visa allow it? It may help you to build some more friendships?

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