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Living overseas

MIL guilt trip

23 replies

WS12 · 26/08/2017 22:58

I am posting more because I need to vent than because I need advice or anything like that. I know I am probably more annoyed than I need to be, but I don't think IABU to be annoyed at my monster in law asking questions and guilt tripping me 😩.

So my Australian DH and I moved here to Aus 11 months ago with DC 4 and 2. If you've followed my threads I've been majorly home sick and at my wits end on and off for most of the past year.

So we are heading over to the UK on Tuesday for 3 weeks (wahoo 🎉!!) and over the past few weeks when I've seen the MIL (barely once or twice a month mind) she started saying things like "the kids have waited so long for you to be here, they waited so longboard for you to move. They love having you here" etc etc. I was thinking that's odd for her to bring that up but maybe she was just feeling sentimental or something.

Anyway, visited yesterday and she started talking about how my DHs health has improved since moving back and that he hasn't had a cold this winter and that "he always had a cold in the UK" and she knows that one "one of our reasons for moving back" because of my husbands failing health Hmm he's 36 and in top form! We moved for th UK. I wouldn't say his health was failing.... 😵 I asked DH about this and he said no that was never a reason for moving back. I swear my MIL makes this 💩 up.

And then she started saying how well the kids have settled and are they enjoying it? Etc etc. Then she asked if I was enjoying it here (only took her 11 months to ask). And I was honest and said yes I am but I miss my family terribly. They looked after our DC while I worked, I saw them 4 or more times a week and my sister twice a week. Putting it bluntly I've been bloody demented this year with home sickness, not that she'd have noticed or cared .

But here's the thing. She then started saying "the kids will miss each other if you love back" here she means my DC 4 and 2 and my nephews on my DHs side aged 5 and 7. She said the kids are settling into life here now and making friends etc etc (I remind you of their ages). Basically it was a MASSIVE guilt trip about my feelings of wanting to go home which I mentioned a few months ago. I am so frigging annoyed as I will not be guilt tripped into staying in Australia because the kids will miss each other and my husband hasn't had a cold this year Hmm

To be honest I am really upset with her and feel worse than I did before as I clearly aeenow that she has absolutely no regard for my emotional and mental wel being. I am clearly on my own here as I have felt for the majority of the time.

I can't believe she stuck her oar in to our marital decisions guilt tripping me about it. I have been in some really low places this year, and they've been a pretty 💩 family towards me at times, is she bloody surprised I want to go home? She should have thought about that back when I need some bloody support.

I feel so sorry for my DH. His family are just horrible at times.

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WS12 · 26/08/2017 23:03

What I'm annoyed it is that it is clear now she doesn't care how much I miss home or how lonely or low I'm feeling, all she cares about is her son is back and the kids will miss each other if we eventually return.

I told her not to worry about anything about where we are living and go just enjoy us being here for now.

She had nothing to say in return. Nothing. I mean she stood there silent.

If we go back to the UK to live my name will be worse than much. We've only been here 11 months and my DH was in the UK for 14 years.

She's a nightmare.

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WS12 · 26/08/2017 23:03

Worse than muck I meant.

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Newyearnewbrain · 27/08/2017 04:22

The thing is these guilt trips never work, especially if you and DH are the team you sound like you are.

I'm sure others will also say it but just don't engage. When she brings it up repeat that line you've already given her about "enjoying her time now" and don't even give her a hint of anything else.

Keep your plans private. She sounds like she's worried about missing you all but she doesn't run your lives or make your decisions.

Good luck!

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Cavender · 27/08/2017 04:35

Get your DH to shut his Mum down.

It's completely understandable that she wants her son close by, but it's unkind to put pressure on you especially when its not your sole decision.

He needs to speak to her.

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over40andpregnant · 27/08/2017 05:28

It's hard been away isn't it
We move to oz 2 years ago and have no family here
But now I am pregnant with our second it makes me so home sick
But amazing job and money and our 8 year old loving it as well as my hubby means we are unless,rly to go back

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over40andpregnant · 27/08/2017 05:29

Unlikely to go back I meant

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 06:59

You're all right that we will make our own decisions about things, and I think we will more than likely return next year. My DH has just got a promotion so I wouldn't dream of asking him to go back just yet, I could do another 6 months or maybe a bit more, but I know it can't be forever and my DH is pretty clear on that. I was so relieved that he agreed with me and sided with me saying his family are a strange bunch, I thought "phew!" Because it would've been even worse if he had agreed 😂!

I am so annoyed at her through, like badly annoyed at her. They hardly involve us is anything, I'm over here basically on my own with our DC desperate for family and his mum and that side of the family have desperately let us down I feel. I have come to the conclusion though I can't rely on her to be a "mum" figure and that's that.

I'm surprised that she is surprised or at least that she didn't see it as a possibility for us to return home to the UK. It is so unfair to put that much pressure and guilt on me. But it does genuinely show she does not care how I feel. I knew it all along, and our conversation shows it. It's ok for me to live here isolated and alone whilst they all have a close family, just so she what to have her son back. I wish there was a two fingers up emoji.

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 07:00

Cavander I will get him to talk to her if there's any more mention of it.

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 07:10

It makes me laugh though because she's only just started asking all these questions. We arrived last September and she's only just asking how I'm doing 😂😂😂 and I think it's because she gauging how likely I am to return from the holiday lolol!

But in all seriousness, I don't think she would be asking how I am or how we are if we weren't going away. She hasn't asked before and quite frankly didn't give a stuff until this holiday was approaching and I foolishly said about going home if I can't settle.

Mother in laws ey.

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OliviaStabler · 27/08/2017 07:12

Sounds like she has convinced herself that you would be the only reason your family would move back to the UK. Rather than talking to her son and find out this is not the case, she is pressuring you.

Best to try not to engage. It is hard but I suspect it is easier for her to paint you as the 'bad' guy than face the reality that your move to Oz was never going to be permanent.

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gottachangethename1 · 27/08/2017 07:12

I had a similar experience when I moved to my dh country (Europe))
Mil was difficult and uncaring from day one. I left after a few years of constant home sickness and unhappiness and had a long distance relationship with dh until he came back to the uk. Mil didn't speak to me for about a year and even now is frosty with me. We visit a minimum of twice a year. Ignore her op.

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junebirthdaygirl · 27/08/2017 07:41

She shouldnt be laying the guilt on and ultimately ye will make yoour own decisions. But remember in the same way as you miss your family in UK she has missed her ds and is now afraid of losing ye all again including her grandkids. So maybe a bit of sympathy on all sides wouldnt go astray.

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 08:29

June birthday girl I think you are right. I would love it though if she was slightly more understanding.

She's always been a bit of a nightmare though. We've had good and bad times but as families do always seem to get over it.

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 08:30

Next time she asks if she does, I will try not to engage and maybe change subject. I don't want her trying to deter us as it'll be such a fight. My parents on the other hand never interfered with any of it and just let us go, as much as it breaks their hearts. My MIL just thinks the world revolves around her IMO.

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BertrandRussell · 27/08/2017 08:43

She absolutely shouldn't be guilt tripping you.

But she feels the same way about her family being half a world away as you do.

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SavoyCabbage · 27/08/2017 08:54

I'd watch her actually as if she's saying this to you what's she saying to your dh? If she's drip, drip dripping about how great your lives are in Australia to her son then is he going to want to go back to the UK in six months? And then you'd be buggered as you can't take your dc without his permission.

I'm sure your husband is lovely and has no intention of putting you in that position at all but I've seen it happen before where one of the couple thinks they are doing the right thing for the family as a whole. 'No point in going now, it's winter in the U.K.' and 'might as well stay until July so we can go to XYZ because we all enjoyed it last year'.

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HarrisHawk · 27/08/2017 09:12

Just one thing to mention....

If your DH changes his mind under family pressure and decides to stay in Australia, you won't be able to bring the children back to the UK. Australian law is strict that the children stay there.

It sounds like you and your DH are a good team, but in your shoes I'd be planning to move back to UK sooner rather than later just so there's no risk of getting stuck there.

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EchidnasPhone · 27/08/2017 09:23

When you live 26 hours away from family you have to really throw yourself into your new life & not romanticise the life you had. I know from experience, 10 years of it. Even calling it 'homesick' makes me think you never had any intention of adopting australia as your new home. Your mil may be clunky in her approach but she seems to if hit a real nerve with you. You don't want to hear that she thinks your children have settled & formed a relationship with their cousins. It must be lovely to have that for the kids.... maybe you need to talk it out with someone about why you're struggling and what it is you need to make this time worthwhile not just a stopgap you endure before going back 'home'

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WS12 · 27/08/2017 10:59

Yes I am more than aware of the legal situation in terms of the children.

No the UK is where my family and friends are and yea I do love Aus but life would be much more enjoyable where we actually had people who involved us in their lives.

Thanks for all your input everyone 👍

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scaryteacher · 28/08/2017 18:13

Echnidas I've been away from the UK since 2006, albeit I get back every couple of months or so, but I still get homesick for my house, the village I lived in, a cappuccino that isn't just black coffee with whizzy cream on the top, fresh cream cakes, victoria plums, and British cuts of meat. Even dh, who has been here since 2004, expressed a wish to go home the other week, after another head banging incident with Belgeaucracy ( a peculiarly virulent and nit picking form of 'the rules as applied in Belgium').

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Laptopwieldingharpy · 29/08/2017 14:58

Ignore and make sure you don't turn this into more than it is. I don't understand why there is even talk of potential custody problems if you leave????
Please take a deep breath and don't let this fester.

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WS12 · 01/09/2017 12:56

Laptop I agree people love throwing that custody comment in they do it all the time.

Yes deep breath.

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EatToTheBeet · 01/09/2017 14:41

People 'throwing in the custody comments' to get at you. They are saying it because they have seen it before. And because the posters who are on this thread, giving you advice, are posters that hang around Living Overseas or that respond to posts that are about people in relationships with people from other countries. People will remember what you have posted before and give you advice based on the whole picture.

Laptop - people are saying about custody issues as this has all been going on for a few months now. Her dh was talking about buying a house in Australia even though he knew she was really unhappy only a few months ago.

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