Love to see you but come to us ! Rant

(10 Posts)
habibihabibi Sun 02-Jul-17 11:42:48

Expat: Fly 1000s of miles with whiny jet lagged kids, loads of.luggage, no car.Told resident we'd be here 6 months ago.Book us in .Def catch up !
Resident: Raincheck ! We've doubled up and have such a busy weekend - tennis, cri cket, 40th and kids birthday party, hangover, kids get car sick going outside village and PFB is gluten, dairy, nut free and eating out is soooo tricky. BUT heres an idea , jump on a train it's only a million stops, two changes , a quick bus diversion and we'd love to see you from 1-3 pm .Don't let us miss you again!

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cheeseismydownfall Sun 02-Jul-17 13:52:09

The cheek of it!!! I always try and remember that as it was our choice to move (an expensive flight) away, it's only fair that that the majority of the time and expense of meeting old friends and family falls to us. But your situation takes the biscuit! I would be very upset to be honest and rethink that friendship. Hope you have lots of other nice things planned!

Laptopwieldingharpy Sun 02-Jul-17 22:20:57

Hahaha, you should whatsapp them your post!

MangosteenSoda Mon 03-Jul-17 03:07:11

I know what you mean! I've lived abroad for years and only come home in the summer. I have a nice group of friends who I'm in touch with, who all make an effort to meet up. Sometimes I go to them, sometimes they come to me. But effort is made on both sides.

Since having a kid, I no longer try to arrange things with the 'let me fit you in for 10 minutes between the washing up and my pedicure' people. It took me a while to be ok with this because, one person in particular, was one of my closest friends. She has a busy life and is happy with her family and the friends she sees on a regular basis. With other people, we just slide in and out of each other's lives seamlessly and it always feels the same as if we saw each other yesterday. I make the most of seeing them instead.

habibihabibi Mon 03-Jul-17 09:32:57

The trouble is as a multiple mover I try really hard to keep in contact with friends in the UK where we had a period of the most stability and hope to eventually move back too. Like yours , MangosteenSoda this friend ,was in the pasr very close, so I feel hurt. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of others who drop everything and meet up . Those who are new friends and will cross the country on a whim . It is often, though people who too have lived abroad. I guess like everyhtingit's; birds of a feather.

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PoochSmooch Mon 03-Jul-17 12:20:32

Oh, that is frustrating, habibi!

I have more than one like that, too. A couple of years ago, I was back for a visit, and was round at this particular person's house, having managed to pin her down for the 47 1/2 minutes she had between other, more important stuff and she said to me, totally straight faced "I just feel like you don't make enough effort to see us". Gah! Given that at the time we were in her living room, which was 3000 miles from my home, yeah I felt like I'd somewhat made an effort to be there, while she really hadn't! Words were had.

Then there are the ones who would simply love to see you, but can't actually make a plan and stick to it, or cancel last minute. I have a new rule - when people see me as an option, I don't make them a priority. My blood pressure is better with that in place. Sure, it was my choice to move away so I know it will predominantly be me making the effort, but there has to be some sense of enthusiasm from the other side or it just gets hurtful.

ARumWithAView Mon 03-Jul-17 19:20:07

YY, PoochSmooch, it was the cancellers who got me when we lived a long-haul flight away. There are always so many people you want to see in your brief time at home, and a million other things to do - such a bloody waste of time when you have someone flake out last minute (and I mean repeatedly flake out; obviously things do happen, plans change etc).

Plus, I found the flakiest people were always the ones who made the loudest noises about wanting to see you, we MUST meet up, I CAN'T WAIT, and then involved you in a twenty-email-long discussion with multiple time, date and venue changes. Then cancelled the night before.

I had one friend who was legendary for this. Once, another mutual friend was visiting the UK from China, and she cancelled their plans last minute because she needed to take the dog to the salon. Not the vet. The salon. Jilted for a dog's shampoo!

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habibihabibi Tue 04-Jul-17 16:48:29

I think I have been drycleaned!
No further replies to alternative date email and not answering the phone.
To be honest it has been fairly one sided for ages. Only I call, remember her birthday and their anniversary ( was a bridesmaid) and do all the legwork.
Do I still send cards at Christmas and gifts for the children ? I am a godparent to one of them and would have loved to see him.

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cheeseismydownfall Wed 05-Jul-17 20:29:54

Really sorry to hear that. It's upsetting isn't it. I would definitely ditch the friendship now but I've got a bit more intolerant of this sort of crap. I cut a couple of friends before we origin left, who had dicked about for weeks when I was trying to make time to see people for one last time. They both had previous form too. One of them realised and tried to arrange a coffee the day before we flew (!) but I'd had enough and never replied. It hurt though, as we had been close before. I've found moving away has really helped me see the difference between acquaintances (of whom I had lots) and true friends (just a few, but I value them all the more now).

habibihabibi Wed 05-Jul-17 21:11:23

It's great to hear it's not just a problem I face.
I'm definitely going to focus loads on the lovely people who have made an effort and forget the others.

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