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Where to settle down, his country, mine or a neutral place?

(29 Posts)
Almondmilk Sun 12-Mar-17 11:27:28

Hi all,
my husband and I are facing a major crisis not being able to decide where we should live. We met in the UK where we have network and friends. I lived in his country for 2 years where it's beautiful, where he owns a flat but winter is endless with no friends, no network even after 2 years there. My country is warmer and friendlier, we could have more space but I don't own a flat and we have no friends or network there.
We are now back to the UK and facing the problem of being two foreigners, speaking english to each others. I can not push him to live in my homeland as I don't know how good it would be for us. We both lived abroad for 10 years and got used to multicultural environment which makes it difficult to be back home, either his home or mine. We don't have kids yet and it's pressuring us now. I wish he would speak my language but I haven't been able to learn his language properly....
We seem to be stuck and I am seeking for your advices to improve the situation that is affecting our relationship badly....
thanks in advance!

lemonapple Sun 12-Mar-17 11:42:38

One option may be to contact RELATE to talk things through with a trained counsellor

nancy75 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:44:26

On a practical basis how easily could you live in each country with regards to visas?

user123346 Sun 12-Mar-17 11:50:09

I think you have pretty much answered it.... neither his country or yours is suitable. And I'm not sensing any homesickness. How about combining what you both love about each of your countries and find another English speaking country that would offer this? Or stay in the UK but move to a different part of it ( if you are unhappy and ready to move).

Almondmilk Sun 12-Mar-17 11:55:46

We have no visa problems, both countries are in Europe, both countries can offer great lifestyle. As we are having a crisis, he doesn't show much interest in going to my country. I think it would be fair to try. Or maybe trying again and again won't help.
lemonapple He would never see a cousellor and I'm not sure someone can help us decide.
We are now in London which is pretty hectic but we both have can work and have friends here. It's so hard to project ourselves on a long term though. He would never sell and buy in London. So renting forever, having kids here...? He is not so keen on finding another place in the UK, I am open to it. Maybe just outside London would work.

Almondmilk Sun 12-Mar-17 11:56:31

user123346 homesickness doesn't happen in London so you are right ;)

lemonapple Sun 12-Mar-17 12:03:47

You don't have to both see a counsellor for Relate. You sole can consult with them such as by email.

user123346 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:06:21

I'd start researching areas just outside of London. Once you have an idea of some areas. Get hubby to go for a drive with you on the weekends to explore these places. Of course don't tell DH these are potential moving areas. Just see if he likes any of them on his own accord.

Almondmilk Sun 12-Mar-17 14:48:16

He is not so much into visiting around. It's a good idea though and I will try to drag him around.

BoboChic Sun 12-Mar-17 17:22:24

It sounds as if you are living your relationship out in limbo! Your life will be awful if you cannot both commit to normal adult plays to buy a home/have DC/put roots down.

Almondmilk Sun 12-Mar-17 19:51:43

Hi BoboChic you know it.
My partner does own a place though although t's not where we are now. Focus should be on work and getting pregnant...It may help us to think rationally.

lemonapple Mon 13-Mar-17 08:28:32

If you have these many doubts them maybe fairer to find a resolution before pregnancy. It can be fairly straghtforward to go separate ways if no child(ren).

HPandBaconSandwiches Mon 13-Mar-17 11:34:36

Whatever you decide, please bear in mind The Hague convention rules. If you settle in a country that has signed up to The Hague convention (most have) then you cannot remove your children without the other parents permission.
So if you settle in your husbands country, have kids, then split, you cannot take the children to your home country to live.
You may already know this but it's just too important to not to mention it.

lemonapple Mon 13-Mar-17 12:30:07

...unless the Family Judge decides in your favour...
1980 Hague doesn't say you cannot relocate the children, rather that the Family Court in the kids' place of habitual residence decides if parents disagree

Almondmilk Mon 13-Mar-17 15:16:37

HPandBaconSandwiches that's one of the reasons why I don't want to do this in Scandinavia where I see my friends splitting up with partners and having to stick around because they don't get the permission to take the children. I probably should have kids in my homeland, would make things simpler.
lemonapple I feel like there will never be a 100% resolution. I don't want to live in winterland, he is not interested in my homeland (not such a bad place called France), and UK is a mess right now. He are renting a flat and so it does feel unstable.

Almondmilk Mon 13-Mar-17 15:34:04

Maybe I just want to be in my homeland and I don't know it. But opportunities for work are in London.

Foldedtshirt Mon 13-Mar-17 15:45:59

Stay in London or just outside- easy for you both to travel home and take dcs, Scandinavia is wonderful for scandinavians but hard to settle in.

Almondmilk Mon 13-Mar-17 15:53:48

Foldedtshirt It is easy to travel home from London. I'm worried because of Brexit though. Scandinavia is the perfect little world if one can stand winter 9 months/year and having to behave like a scandi. Yes you are right, just hard to settle in.

JessieMcJessie Sun 19-Mar-17 11:05:33

It sounds like London is perfect for you both and what you need to do is have a long serious discussion about settling down properly and putting down roots. If he won't sell his Scandinavian property, is he saying he wants to go back and live there eventually? You have a salary, is a mortgage impossible on yours alone?

Almondmilk Fri 24-Mar-17 12:10:50

JessieMcJessie London is a good compromise for us. It's always hard to project ourselves forever there though. London is too expensive to get a mortgage on my own, alone. I don't earn enough money. It seems to me that he is still attracted to Scandinavia because he has a flat there (well and it's clean). I like Scandinavia for these reasons but it depresses me when I think of endless winter and cold people. People are seriously friendly and helpful in London!!

Viviene Sun 02-Apr-17 22:27:56

Amsterdam? It offers good expat community and France is a drive away (not so much Scandinavia).
It is in EU, it's easy to buy a house in the Netherlands and job prospects are good.

KatharinaRosalie Sun 02-Apr-17 22:32:41

How aout Switzerland - or you can work there, and live in France (like I do)? The cleanliness and order are like in Scandinavia, but weather is better, and there are a lot of expats in most bigger towns, so you won't feel like the only new person in town.

allegretto Tue 04-Apr-17 10:13:16

Are you planning on kids? If you are, imagine how you would want life to be with them. The countries you mention have quite different attitudes to childrearing, school systems etc.

Almondmilk Tue 04-Apr-17 13:11:15

allegretto definitely...give me your point of view

Laptopwieldingharpy Wed 05-Apr-17 05:56:02

Agree we th Allegretto, london, France Scandinavia are very different environments to raise kids!
Amsterdam is a great alternative to London!

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