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Living in america - want to go home

(51 Posts)
vetslife Sun 30-Oct-16 23:11:51

Having spent the last 9 years in the US, married an american and had 1 DS (2.5yrs) and another on the way I have grown more and more homesick and cannot imagine living here forever and raising my Children here anymore. I live in a beautiful area, lovely people and about 3 yrs into starting my own business .. I should not be this homesick??? But I cant explain it and have no one to talk to, my husband is in theory ok with moving back to UK but it will be hard for him to find work - he is a farmer and farrier - and what if he feels the same in the UK as I do here? I dont know any brits here and the expats from other countries I do know I cant talk to as they r my clients. I cant talk to my parents and give them false hope or worry. Ditto with my old friends in UK. Plus its diffivult to explain if they havent been thru it themselves. Is anyone else in the same boat? surely after 9yrs I should be ok .. DH and I have talked about this but I dont want to harp on and also know we have some responsibilities here for another 2 years at least - I still have have an loan on the business til 2018 and it would be easier for DH if he does a farrier qualification here to transfer to UK system. Also how hard is it for an american to get a work visa for UK? Anyone gone thru repatriating with foreign (non EU) hubby in tow? How did it go? Easy to get visas? My DS has uk passport and Usa and so will the new one. I will get USA citizenship so I dont have to relinquish my green card after certain time just incase... Any help, advice appreciated or just love to know Im not the only one who finds herself in this position.. sad

Shadowridge Sun 30-Oct-16 23:20:56

I think you may be seeing the UK/ your old life through rose tinted glasses. Life here is not that great atm imo! Have you visted recently- would that help with decisions, thiugh difficult if you are pregnant i realise.

vetslife Sun 30-Oct-16 23:37:31

Yes I realise there is an element of rose tinted glasses but I was back for a month this september and go back regularly. The homesickness thing has building over a long time tho. Not helped by having kids and no support network less than a flight away - DHs family is all over the states and not very close. Ive been feeling very isolated I just discovered mumsnet so thought maybe Id see if anyone else felt like they were going mad with homesickness!!

JoJoSM2 Mon 31-Oct-16 00:07:47

I've had a few friends experience homesickness after quite a few years in another country. Some move back and are happy, others move back and last a few months until the rose tinted glasses come off. If you've had this on your mind for a while and dh us open to the idea, then I'd start preparing for it.

IhatchedaSnorlax Mon 31-Oct-16 00:14:48

We moved back after 4 years & I'm very happy we did. I absolutely loved our life in the US but I love my life here & never truly felt at home there. I do yearn for our US life at times but I don't regret moving home.

The catalyst for me was having DS as I knew I wanted family & true friends close by. My DH is English though so we were both moving back home, not sure how it works with an American DH. Good luck as I know how crippling homesickness can be.

HappyCamel Mon 31-Oct-16 00:20:44

I've been here 2 years. All Brits, kids born in the U.K. I'd dearly love to move home but schooling and support for DD's SEN are much better here and it's very good for DH's career.

DH has promised that we can go home when kids start university if something doesn't come up before then. We have a much better standard of living here but I'm U.K. qualified and can't convert so I'm a SAHM which I hate. It's hugely impacted my self confidence and happiness.

Search for Brit groups on Facebook, I'm in one for my State. 2 months ago I started one for my local area and have 70 members and we meet up. That's helped a lot.

KickAssAngel Mon 31-Oct-16 00:57:36

I've lived in MI for 8 years now. I do get homesick, but it comes and goes. We went home this summer and stayed in York. I lived there for a long time, met DH there and we still have friends there. I have always missed it, even though we left there 15 years ago. I would love to move back there.

BUT

We have a massively better standard of living here. DD has quite a range of SN and I read the experiences of people in the UK on here and think that she just wouldn't cope in the UK, she'd be horribly miserable. I've also benefitted hugely from better healthcare here (even though we have to pay towards it) and may even have died in the UK because I kept being told it was just my age when really I had something significant wrong with me! I'm a teacher and can't imagine having to go back to teaching in England where every tiny thing is controlled by the govt. Also, we were never too close to either family (mine is dysfunctional although loving, DH's mother is like a wicked stepmother out of a Disney movie).

In spite of all of those reasons why being in the US is pretty significantly better for us, I still haven't reconciled myself to staying here for the rest of my life. I'm trying to dream up a way to have a home in both countries and the money to fly between them! Some hope.

HappyCamel Mon 31-Oct-16 01:01:31

That's funny Angel. We seem to have the same story. Although it's good you can work here. I have to pass 4 exams and train under someone with local certification full time for 2 years to qualify again.

KickAssAngel Mon 31-Oct-16 01:10:08

I teach at a private school, although I'm thinking of getting my teaching license for MI so I can look at jobs in public schools. I have some ideological differences with my boss, but moving could be difficult. I don't even know how to apply for public school jobs - I got this one kind of by accident!

vetslife Mon 31-Oct-16 05:22:30

Thanks everyone - I tried meet up but I live a long way from the nearest one .. Maybe should make one myself! We live in quite a physically isolated area which probably doesn't help the mental isolation! Evn tho I work with people all day long.
Angel - I have dreamt many times of a home in each country! Just need to win the lottery or something...

Londonmamabychance Mon 31-Oct-16 06:06:18

I am Scandinavian and have lived in the UK for 11 years. DH is Russian. I love our life here in many ways, but something inside me always yearns to go "back home." I know part of it is 'grass is always greener" etc., but I think when you love away from
Your homeland, you'll always miss it in some way, it's natural. Especially once you have kids and you start to miss your family and old friends more and realise how much of want to bring them up with your own cultural values, no matter how much you like your adopted country. It's not to say that moving to the UK will necessarily be the best choice, it all
Depends on your situation though.tou can be happy all your life in a foreign country. Perhaps you could try out going back for a really long holiday, or move back temporarily? If not, see if you continue to feel this way and also start looking realistically at both of your work options in the UK and try to realistically imagine your everyday life here, and see if you still feel it would be a good choice.

We will most likely move to my home country this spring, as all the odds given cheaper childcare there and family around is adding up in its favour. However, I'm terrified how much I'll miss my life here too and especially how my DH will cope with being an outsider. It changes your dynamic when your partner is the foreigner and your in your native country.

A decision like this is super difficult so you have my sympathy! My best advice is focus on what your realities options would be here, job wise, financially, education for your children and accommodation wise, and you may start to get a clearer picture of advantages and disadvantages. But don't be too taken in by feelings of homesickness and on the flip side fear of missing what you have now, because both of those feelings are temporary.

MissMargie Mon 31-Oct-16 06:17:53

I would say your DH's field of work is not that easy to get into. And not terribly well paid.
Are there farming magazines you can check out to see if there are jobs like that available. Or websites?
If a dream job came up in a beautiful part of the country then it would seem wise to move. But to move with no jobs lined up would be very difficult. Research needed.

allegretto Mon 31-Oct-16 06:21:00

I think it is more common than people admit to feel homesick even after years. I do sometimes! On the plus side, your DH is open to moving (mine isn't) so I would really research it and see if it is doable. I think you have to have a certain income now to bring in a non-EU spouse but I may be wrong.

Chottie Mon 31-Oct-16 06:31:40

OP - lots of farmers in the UK are worried about the fall out from Brexit and the loss of EU subsidies. I would really research the job options well before coming back.

Living in the UK is definitely harder now than even 5 years ago. I'm not sure where you would be living, but in the SE property prices are high, schools places and doctor's lists are at a premium, travel costs are high and food prices increase week by week. I'm not trying to derail your dream, but just being realistic

reup Mon 31-Oct-16 06:37:21

I think he would have major problems getting a visa to work. Teresa May when Home Secretary brought in a non EU spouse rule and the Uk half has to be working for at least 6 months and earning a certain amount before they are even considered. There is a loophole for as long as the EU exists but that involves living in an EU country for 3 months before going to the UK

WanderingTrolley1 Mon 31-Oct-16 06:40:16

I moved abroad to be with DP. It's always in the top 5 places in the world to live

I was homesick. I'd fly back to the U.K. pretty regularly, but leaving home became harder each time.

DP knew I wasn't happy, so we made plans to return to the U.K. and have been back home a number of years.

No regrets.

Footle Mon 31-Oct-16 06:54:45

OP, its no longer possible to bring a non-EU spouse to settle here unless you're earning , in the UK, a minimum of £18.500 per adult plus £5000 per child - I think those are the current figures.
It's been the law for about the last five years , and is the cause of much despair.

strugglinginsweden Mon 31-Oct-16 06:56:45

I wrote a very similar post a while ago I just want to go home
I understand completely how you feel. There is absolutely no logic to your train of thought but no matter what you do it will not go away.
I have lived here for 7 years and try as I might I can not settle. Like you, on paper, my live is or should be wonderful. My life ticks all the boxes here.
I was always comparing here to the UK and on paper this place is Utopia. It says so everywhere, so it must be trueconfused
Yes the Uk falls flat in many areas compared to a lot of places. Logically it made sense to stay here.
I would visit home and focus on all the negative things to re-enforce my resolve to stay here. I would come back, convinced that here was the better place, but slowly the facade would slip away.
I went back recently and realised that warts and all I was home. I felt home. No logic, no reason.
We are making plan to return, our standard of living will surely plummet, but we will be living
I sympathise totally with your predicamentflowers

swimmerforlife Mon 31-Oct-16 10:03:48

I'm not in the US OP but I feel your pain, I'm a kiwi and am married to a Brit, I'm stuck in the UK for the foreseeable future. DH doesn't want to move away from his family which I can understand (and I knew that when I married him), I've only got my mum in NZ and a couple of friends now but it doesn't make it any easier. I dream to come home, I'm constantly homesick and it's only got worse since having dc...

The only thing I can say is that the UK isn't that great atm since Brexit and it will hard for your DH to find work, although with upcoming US election, the UK may become the lesser of two evils.

OlennasWimple Mon 31-Oct-16 10:09:34

On a very practical level, can you afford to move to the UK? (Visas, relocation costs, buying / leasing land for farming work etc etc)

Even if you decide that you are going to move, it will take time to organise and in the meantime there might be things you can do to alleviate your situation there? Are there really no expat groups around you? I've found it very helpful to be able to talk to others who have had a similar experience (and compare notes on how utterly mad lots of American things are wink)

ChinUpChestOut Mon 31-Oct-16 10:22:07

You may have to think laterally for a job in the UK for your DH as it sounds as though farrier work is limited. Maybe decorative wrought iron work eg., gates and the like? Also, read up on UK visas so that you know what the requirements are - you may need to be able to have funds in place to support your DH as he is a foreigner. And finally, without wishing to sound all doom and gloom, think carefully about taking US citizenship as they tax globally and you will have to file tax returns then for both of you. I think there is a double taxation agreement with the UK so you won't be taxed twice, but you'll definitely be paying some accountants' fees!

With all that in mind, try setting a time line when you want to achieve the move back, and identify the steps you need to take eg., research visas, type of work available to DH, best geographical area for work/family & old friends, suitable schools etc and then you may feel like you are actually doing something to deal with your homesickness. But don't cut yourself off from your local community while you do this - set up that local British group, see if there's a local activity/hobby/sport you could take up or learn or maybe an educational qualification? Keep moving forward so that you don't get stuck in homesickness mode.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel Mon 31-Oct-16 10:31:37

I've lived in Spain for 4 years, and I love the country but presently I am back in the UK. I'm quite lucky in that I have a flat in Spain so I don't choose and tend to spend as much time as I can in both countries. The best of both worlds!

The States is a bit more difficult obviously but there is a lovely gay couple I know who seem to be coming and going between Britain and the US at least once a month - One of them is American and the other is from Manchester. I don't know if that's an option or not OP

howyalikedemapples Mon 31-Oct-16 10:40:17

Farriers are very much in demand in certain parts of the UK and can make a very good living, you would just have to do some research as to which areas are short.

vetslife Mon 31-Oct-16 13:55:18

Wow! I had no idea about the minimum wage requirement!!! Thats crappy!! Altho I should have said I am the bread winner as a farm/equine vet and have talked to several colleagues and followed job postings - whhilst I couldnt go into acedemia on the wage requirements the approx salary would be above minimum wage altho I would have to have job lined up before moving DH over it sounds like. The i found out the kid thing is only if kids are non-british which mine is british citizen. Also farriery is in pretty high demand the areas we would be looking at - but he does love the forge and makes some nice arty stuff so maybe that would help too. But wow yes I have to do some more visa research etc. Ugg. I see they are challenging the min wage requirement... Maybe in a yr or two!!!??or 10.. The tax thing on US citizens is a pain but we would have to do that with hubby anyway and it is joint filing so altho a pain it would be about the same in filing fees whether I was on there or not. Also for paying more tax its only if uake over $90k -Unlikely! Thank you all for your input and sorry to hear several of you dealing with same homesickness, but selfishly good to know its not just me wink I will start the process of reaearch - even just admitting this to DH was a releif and posting this last night I slept better than I have in ages!! Thanks all
And any other input greatly appreciated!

passportmess Mon 31-Oct-16 14:07:03

Op, it's not just declaring tax to the US authorities. There are tax implications and inheritance implications for joint home ownership if you are married to a US citizen abroad. My husband has renounced his US citizenship so we had to pay for advice on this matter.

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