My DH wants to move abroad and I don't(34 Posts)
I am in a very difficult position and I need some advice from yourselves. My husband got a promotion in Sweden and has already started his new job, lives in Sweden Monday to Friday and home and the weekends. I am a stay-at-home mum of two little boys, one is almost 3 and the other one is just 9 months old. My husband is danish but lived in the UK for the last 13 years working for the same company all this time and I am romanian, recently became a proud british citizen having lived in the UK for the last 10 years. I came to the UK with nothing, started from the bottom and worked my way up to having a good job at the time when I got pregnant with our first child, made very good friends who became like my second family and made UK my home, I speak the language fluently. At the point when my husband accepted the new job in Sweden he knew I was not ready for such a major change ( 3 months after having the second baby) and I would have loved to stay put and look at other options but he decided to take the job with the thought that he will convince me somehow to move. A few weeks later he also decided to sell our home ( I am not on the mortgage) hoping again that this will leave me no option but to move to Sweden. At this point I started to lose my trust in him, he has made me feel as my feelings and desires do not matter as long as he thinks what is best for us as a family and as long as he is the main bread winner. I have to mention that before he put the house on the market I had agreed to move for 3 years only and come back to the UK when our eldest son has to go to school and our youngest could go to nursery a few hours a week which would enable me to go back to work. The situation between us got really bad and he started throwing divorce in my face if I don't move and also would like to take the children to live in Sweden permanently and I, their mum, should come and VISIT because his argument is if I do not move I basically keep the children away from him. I broke down in tears many times begging him not to take the kids off me ( btw, he says I am an amazing mum) but there was no expression on his face seeing me in that state of desperation. He says that even if I move to Sweden and things between us do not work out he would still like to keep the kids with him ( he would be very likely to succeed as the kids habitual residence would be considered Sweden). His family got involved also pointing the finger at me, his dad called me a bad wife on social media, his sister said she was very sorry her brother ever met me, that I should be grateful for the privileged life he has given me etc. My husband blames me for my fallout with his family and has not shown much support. He even says now that if we all move to Sweden he might never want to go back to the UK and possibly move back to Denmark ( he would put me in a position where I would be geographically very close to his family knowing that my relationship with them is very fragile). I feel he has no consideration to my feelings, I lost my trust in him because he threatened me to file for divorce and take the children off me. My dilemma is : do I move with him in the hope things will get better and keep the family together but risking to be stuck in a country I have nothing if things do not work out or do I stay put in the UK where I risk ending up divorced but safer with regards to keeping my children?
Do not move to Sweden in this situation. If your marriage breaks down once you moved there ( and going by your post it doesn't look good for it wherever you are) you won't be able to move back to the UK with your children without his consent. He can't move the kids to Sweden without your consent whilst you're still living in the UK.
He sounds like an exploitative prat who doesn't care about your feelings. Why should you move? As for selling the house - he'll struggle to sell with you living in there. Why would you consent to vacate?
I don't think the move abroad is the most immediate of your problems, lovely. And I quite agree with everything WW said.
Don't move to Sweden. Stay in the UK where the law will protect you keeping your children.
You cannot trust him. How could anyone treat their partner in life with such little respect. What a vile man.
Get as much information as you can about your finances. Go and see a good lawyer. It doesn't matter that your name isn't on the house, it's a marital asset and you're entitled to at least half.
Start looking for work and childcare because, I'm sad to say, you're on your own with a fight on your hands.
Totally agree with pps. Do not move anywhere you do not want to go with him. He has made it clear that he will take advantage of the situation. By the time I got to the end of your post, I was thinking 'divorce lawyer', if only for advice.
Is the house sold OP? If not don't let that happen (call the estate agent if it is on the market and ask them not to bring anyone around as in fact you are not selling, if viewers do somehow get brought around let them know that the house is not in fact for sale if you are there at the time, don't keep it tidy, don't show people around, don't vacate for viewings, and stay where you are. Meanwhile engage a solicitor about the divorce and making sure you get the right amount of the marital assets including the right to remain in the house until the children are both 18.
Then look for a job.
You should get to keep the kids as resident parent because you are by far and away the main carer with your husband having basically moved out Mon- Fri against your wishes.
To make an international move with that man would be madness (and I say that as somebody who has moved to my DH's home country, as a sahm with a toddler and another on the way - but that was my call and he was very clear the final decision about whether the family left the UK was mine.
Thank you for your replies. I have thought of divorce many times but it is so difficult when kids are involved. My eldest son adores his dad and loves spending time with him and it just breaks my heart thinking that I could take away that off him . I just feel guilty. But at the same time I feel like what other options do I have?! I am so torn apart!! My husband has been a lovely man so far and I am so shocked and hurt to see this side of him. He has always been very family oriented, always provided the best for us, always took care of us but since this job opportunity came up he has changed so much, it's like he only thinks of all the financial benefits this job will offer us. I could understand he wants to further his career and I would have supported that but only for a limited time and not make it something permanent if I do not wish so. I could end up loving it in Sweden but the issue is I do not trust him anymore to just give up his job and leave Sweden if I completely unhappy. Also, the fact that his family started criticising me not knowing all the facts ( they never called me to check how I was managing with two small children on my own) really scares me and makes me think they don't care about me as a person either ( I should just follow my husband).
I agree with other poster - do not move to Sweden under any circumstances!
If you are married, then he cannot sell the house without your permission. He sounds truly awful and abusive. Very manipulative and calculated.
If you move to Sweden, you will be stuck there due to the children unfortunately (he'd have to consent to them moving). Also, he can't take the children away to Sweden without your consent, so don't worry about that.
How do you feel about the prospect of a divorce? Could you afford a home in the UK on your salary if you do divorce him?
Don't feel guilty about the children 'missing out' on their father. That's his choice and it's not something you're responsible for. And it certainly isn't a reason to move to Sweden.
Oh and ignore his family. They sound just as vile as he does.
What everyone else has already said:
He can't sell the house out from under you because you are married.
Do not move to Sweden.
Do not go to Sweden under any circumstances. If (when) you split up with your husband and he refuses to let them go back to the UK with you, the law will be on your husbands's side so the kids will have to stay in Sweden.
Your husband has been so cruel to you, do you even want to be with him any more? He sounds like an absolute bully, How dare he try to threaten and harass you into leaving your home country.
As you are married, he has no legal right to sell the house whilst you and the kids are in it so DO NOT MOVE OUT! He would also not get custody as you are the stay at home parent.
Get some legal advice and take him up on his kind offer of a divorce.
My advice to anyone who is being emotionally abused and threatened by their husband is not to give in. Do not move somewhere where he can and will take complete control over the situation. You will lose everything if you move to Sweden, or Denmark or anywhere else for that matter.
You are a British Citizen, your children are too, so he cannot 'take' the children anywhere without your consent. You are holding all the cards at the moment, accept that you are probably heading for divorce, but at least do all this on your own soil, on your own terms with help and support (and the law)
Hard as it all may seem now it will only be so much harder in another country.
Stay strong for yourself and the children and do not give in to his demands.
I think you should ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships where you will get lots of support (do this by reporting your own post).
Don't go to Sweden. Your DH is a nasty bully.
Just to add:
Don't let him sell the house.
I have been talking to him over and over again about how hurt I feel by him saying he would do anything to take the kids to Sweden to live with him but he just doesnt get it, he keeps saying that will be a fact and he is not threatening me or doing it behind my back. And how can he expect me to move with him after all this?! When I talk about my situation it feels I am talking about someone else's life because it is so painful to admit my marriage is falling apart and my dream of a happy family is being shattered
If the children do not already have passports, apply for them yourself ASAP and keep them well hidden in your house. Keep hold of their birth certificates too, even if he asks for them.
Don't move to Sweden. His family sound dreadful.
Legal advice quick, first half hour is free.
Do the kids have passports, if so, hide them. If not, apply for them then hide them (so he cannot apply before you).
Hide the birth certifs too. Do this NOW, safety deposit box, friend's house etc
Do NOT move to Sweden or Denmark. Under any circumstances.
Check bank accounts, are they joint, presumably he is "ordinarily resident" in the UK if spending 100+ days here/ does he pay tax here or is he doing a "split year" in the near future. You need to know every angle of family finances particularly if you do split and are trying to get maintenance from another EU country, especially as don't know how Brexit will pan out.
Just say No and if he does not like it, tell him he should divorce you but you are staying put in the house. He can Skype the kids and visit them at weekends/holidays but not unsupervised? due to the custody/kidnap threats.
You are right to be wary sweetheart. None of this sits right with me.
I am an ex pat BTW and miss the UK dreadfully...that is WITH a supportive DP who feels the same, do NOT underestimate culture shock even though I realise you have successfully integrated once already. You have custody rights in UK. Move and you'll lose them all.
I'm in Sweden and wanted to reiterate that you should not move here. If you split over here custody would be 50/50 and you would get no maintenance or anything and would find it very hard to get work without Swedish. He cannot take the kids to live in Sweden or Denmark - they would be returned to you under The Hague convention. Equally if they were resident here you would not be able to bring them back to the UK without his consent - even for holidays...
No Sweden, no house sale. Photocopy all docs (he is away now, right) before weekend including his salary slips, employment contract, pension statements, bank statements, mortgage statement etc. You can do all of this on your phone and email to yourself.
You've also been given excellent advise RE kids birth certs and passports....you must have them and your husband must not have access to them.
Your husband is so wrong on so many levels. But focus on getting prepared now.
How's it going, OP? Just had another thought. Contact the Land Registry and register a note of interest in the house, as you're entitled to do as you're married. Then he can't sell it from under you.
Thank you all for your thoughts. I did consult a solicitor with regards to the possibility of him being able to take the children to Sweden. Her answer was that is very unlikely he would be successful in doing so as I have been the primary carer for my children from the day they were born. Also, she said that my name should have been on the mortgage from the beginning which he obviously refused to do so in order to "protect himself" as he said it himself. I can register my home rights , I just haven't done it so far thinking things might change for the better .... I know I have been mistreated and bullied but it is so hard to make a decision, I feel so sorry for my children....
I would really move this to Relationships OP. Lots of posters will give you great advice over there.
I think you've not yet got to the point of mentally abandoning your marriage, but in all honesty, it's over. For your children's sake as well as your own you need to take steps to secure your future.
Fwiw as a child of divorced parents, it's the best thing they ever did.
I understand you feeling sorry for your children, Ramona, but think about it this way: would it be worse for them to live in a different country to you, or to their father?
The way I see it, you can't control the outcome you want - them living in the UK with both their parents. Your H can, but chooses not to. And you don't really know if the outcome he even wants is you all living together in Sweden.
If you go to Sweden the massive risk you take is that your H divorces you once you are there, you can't get a job without speaking Swedish, and you have no choice but returning to the UK without your children.
Put your children first and don't move to Sweden.
Hello again ladies! I have not been very active on this topic as things have gone from bad to worse.
Basically, I have been trying to reason with my husband that a divorce would ruin our family, especially the kids, but also, given the current circumstances, I am reluctant to moving to Sweden. I was hoping we can still work things out, at least for the sake of our kids, but it's all on his terms or nothing. I have said that we need to built to trust back before I can even move but he is not willing to work on that as it is too much hard work!
At some point, he agreed to add my name on the mortgage and sign an agreement that if I move to Sweden for 6 months as a trial, he would give me his consent to return to the UK with our kids should our marriage fail whilst in Sweden. However, he changed his mind and he refused to do any of it.
I then applied to register my matrimonial home rights and now he is unable to sell or rent out the property I currently live with our two kids.
Ever since, he has got in touch with a solicitor to proceed with a divorce but firstly, he has applied to relocate our kids to Sweden.
As you can all imagine, I am going through a very stressful time having to cope with the thought that a judge will decide where my kids are going to live, having to cope with the break of my marriage and my family, having to cope with being a single parent with no income and all the uncertain times ahead of us.
Feel very sad for our kids and for us as a family as I never imagined we would get to this point.
Stop trying to reason with him. He's an abusive sulky dickhead.
I live in Sweden- it's a hard country to move to. I'm in a big city but I am really isolated even with a loving husband and a good job. It's hard to find work here and extremely hard to integrate.
The main reason though is your kids. If you split while they are ordinarily resident here they will stay in Sweden. I know of several women stuck here due to this. Almost all struggle for work and get zero maintenance.
Do not move. Divorce him, and keep the kids passports and birth certificates somewhere safe. You can also talk to the police about your worries and they can put a tag on the passport electronically so he can't take them abroad.
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