Moving UK to USA

(65 Posts)
iamrioxo Sun 20-Dec-15 18:09:21

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with someone who lives in Maine, USA. I have no desire to live in the uk and growing up America has always been the place I want to live in! However I have two young children both currently under 4 with a 5 year plan?
Can anyone give me any advice? The children aren't his either, they have a different father who was abusive, extremely abusive towards me and my children and we were involved with the social services and when I left their father I worked my butt off to get off from social services.
I'm worried that he'll try and object to it? However I feel deep inside that this will be beneficial to both the children and I. If anyone who has done this move? Thinking of doing this move or even in the same situation as me please just give me some advice through this?
Thank you

Emms86 Sun 20-Dec-15 18:57:48

Does the children's father have pr (is he on birth certificate?) does he have contact with the children at the moment? If he did object then you'd have to seek a court order.

Want2bSupermum Sun 20-Dec-15 19:00:53

Tread very carefully with moving to the U.S. as a single parent. There just isn't the same support that you get in the UK. Know what you are getting yourself into in terms of work, housing etc. You need a car unless in a major city and that is going to set you back at least $10k.

iamrioxo Sun 20-Dec-15 23:17:23

Yeah, my partner currently lives out there, and he's being more than supportive.

The father is on the birth certificate, however he hasn't seen them and has told me he doesn't want to be their father! And he couldn't care less, he doesn't provide for them either, doesn't have phone contact no matter how open I've left it for him to have contact, he's blocked me on nearly everything so I can't even reach out to contact him! I talk to his mum occasionally to chase up what's going on but that's about it! If I wasn't to bother he wouldn't either! He's a nasty piece of work.

Yeah I did look into that, and a lot of people are trying to help me on that front with his PR due to his domestic and sexual abuse that he done to me as well as harming my eldest daughter! So trying to work out the best options, a lot of people are telling me to report him to the police as only two incidents have been recorded in the last 8months because that's when I decided to walk away from him.

However my partner who lives in the us has been so supportive so far, and we have a plan on how long we want to leave the LDR for! Etc

AuroramovestoTexas Sun 20-Dec-15 23:29:10

How will you support yourself in the US, is your job transferable?

Is your BF prepared/able to sponsor you and the children for VISAs?

Fizrim Sun 20-Dec-15 23:35:12

How long have you known the long-distance partner because you say you walked away from your ex 8 months ago?

redstrawberry10 Sun 20-Dec-15 23:38:20

cars don't cost 10K, but are a significant cost.

I would be uneasy about moving countries with children if you aren't going to be financially independent. if your relationship goes south, it will be really rough.

iamrioxo Sun 20-Dec-15 23:56:03

I'm not planning to move straight away, we have a minimum of me still living in the uk for 5 years, so it's not like I'm upping and packing so that's all doable to save etc and then downside plus if I needed that little bit extra my parents are willing to help etc if it goes south, I can live with that, as I've always wanted the states to be my home.

I've known my partner for about 2 years now as he was literally just a friend. Hence why I have a plan of a minimum 5 years in the uk doing LDR

Like I say, my partner is very supportive and is happy to support me in any way he can.

redstrawberry10 Mon 21-Dec-15 00:04:19

the worry isn't that he is supportive now, but what happens if you split.

I am from the US (near Maine actually) and I would say the US is a much harder place to live if you are poor. If you have a decent income to high income, I would say it's fine. That's why I asked if you could support yourself independently. you don't want to be in the situation where you are stuck without a good job there. not only is it a foreign country for you, but it's one that not particularly easy for people on low to no income.

that being said, new england is lovely. lots of nice towns, cities and parks.

AuroramovestoTexas Mon 21-Dec-15 01:07:56

How much time have you spent in the states, specifically in the area your BF lives in?

Want2bSupermum Mon 21-Dec-15 01:34:16

redstrawberry when you first move over car insurance is extremely expensive as they do not consider your previous driving history. The first year for my car insurance was $4500 for a VW golf. So while you might only spend $5k on the actual car you need a lot of cash to pay the insurance, sales tax if applicable and registration fees. Also, if buying a car for $5k it would be prudent to put at least $2k aside for repairs in the first year.

MyFriendsCallMeOh Mon 21-Dec-15 01:36:43

We got the max no claims discount with a letter from our insurance company in Singapore (where we lived previously) so car insurance wasn't that bad when we arrived.

Want2bSupermum Mon 21-Dec-15 01:42:15

That's singapore. Here in NJ they did not accept driving history from the UK and I am not aware of the policy changing. I'm very sure it will be the same in other states.

VimFuego101 Mon 21-Dec-15 01:44:38

You will need your ex's permission to move the children. The US is much tougher than the UK as a low income parent, especially if your children have any additional health needs. You would have to marry your partner (or get married 90 days after arrival in the US) in order for him to sponsor you.

VimFuego101 Mon 21-Dec-15 01:48:26

We got geico to accept our no claims discount from the UK. As MI is a no fault state it was still eye wateringlyexpensive though. Even now we still pay $280 a month for 2 cars. 5k will not buy you nearly as good a car as it would do in the UK, as a previous poster said you will need to put aside a decent sum for repairs. You will also need health insurance for you and your children, and the out of pocket costs (on top of the premiums you pay each month) will likely be several hundred dollars.

Laptopwieldingharpy Mon 21-Dec-15 09:40:41

The first question i have to ask is wether your partner has ever spent sny lenght of time living with you as a family under tge same roof?
Why not start with ling holidays at his place to see how you all react to the daily grind. Put the kids in daily sports camps for a few weeks and play families for a summer. Tour local schools, make a bedroom for the kids so they have some sense of security, work out the finances etc.....
I the big scheme of things another year or so to figure out if you are all committed to this is nothing! It is still eatly days for you to run head on into tge next relationship let alone with such big scale changes.
I am sure it us just the fresh start you may all need and really hope things work out. But the reality might also put a huge strain on this relationship and shatter your confidence further. Please take it slow!

juneau Mon 21-Dec-15 09:59:28

So you've only been separated from your abusive ex for 8 months and you're already so serious about this new guy (albeit a friend of 2 years), that you're thinking of moving 3,000 miles away to live with him? OP I really think you need to slow down. How much time have you and this guy actually spent together since you started your relationship? If he's living in the US (is he English?), then I'm guessing its no more than snatched weeks here and there and that's not enough on which to base such a radical move.

I can't help feeling that you've got rose-tinted specs about moving to the US. Have you ever been there? Have you looked at the costs of health insurance for you and your DC? America doesn't have the social support net that the UK does and while some things are less expensive (petrol, white goods, eating out, taxis), some things are ruinously expensive and as a foreigner you won't qualify for much of the state-assisted stuff anyway.

I'm a bit concerned about the giddy tone of your 'I've always wanted to live in the US'. Why have you always wanted to live there? What do you think will be so different about there than here? I've lived in the US for six years and I can honestly say that its NOT better than here. Its different in many ways, similar in others, but once you've got over the initial excitement about moving somewhere new its just daily life and you'll be living it without the support network you have here - just this one guy you're now dating. And that's before we add in all the hoops (both bureaucratic and financial), that you'll have to jump through to even be allowed to move there and the possible road-blocks that your ex could throw up.

Lightbulbon Mon 21-Dec-15 10:32:49

OP why are you moving there rather than him moving here?

Tbh I don't think this is going to happen.

The US is notoriously hard to migrate to.

iamrioxo Mon 21-Dec-15 10:47:41

I need my exs permission all the time that he has PR, I can take him to court to have those lifted. A lot of my friends and family that work within that sector are finding out all the things I need to find out in order to take him to court to remove that. I have a friend that done this exact trip from the uk to London who's currently helping me out etc.

Yes my partner is financially stable to sponsor both me and the children, and would be quite happy to do so and respects that until I get all that I need to get that I won't be able to do much, hence the plan of me saving and selling whatever I don't actually need to take with me obviously. So 5 years of solid saving will get me more than enough than everything you've listed etc.

I think it's irrelevant on how muchV time I've personally been there? As when you go you go for a holiday so everything's included in the price. I'm actually not fussed on how hard it may seem to start off with etc
Like I said the money side of things is totally easy. I just wanted to know about what visas I would have to apply for etc what permission I needed and where I needed it. Everything else is basically covered.

In terms of health care? I'm lucky if me or my child visit the doctor more than twice a year! So medically, we are fine and full of health no underlying problems need to be addressed no medication needed.

iamrioxo Mon 21-Dec-15 10:56:20

I'm moving there because 1. I want too. 2. I'm happy too. 3. It's always been my dream, I actually hate the UK. He comes over and visits etc

And again, I will repeat, I have a five year minim, I'm trying to do my research first, however this is what I'm thinking so all these questions you're asking are pre mature to the situation in hand, I don't plan to be over there in July living it up etc.

It's also personal preference is it not? Why do people all over the world decide to move to the UK? I've lived here my whole life and I hate every second of it? Why do people love to Australia? Yes Australians don't like their country? It's just down to personal preference and tbh, I was just looking for advice about what process I needed to go down rather than question my every actions etc.

You cannot judge a relationship by the length of time?! That's complete bs! I'm sorry but I do not agree with that. You are not in the relationship. You don't know the thoughts or feelings, it may seem fast to others but what if it's not fast for me? My parents themselves got engaged 65 days after meeting one another, married 4 years later and have been with each other for 21 years this year?! Length of a relationship is nothing!!

Like I KEEP referring back to this - this is something in planning on doing AFTER five years min of LDR. This could all change by then!

I do have family that live in and around America so I wouldn't be without a support network, my best friend from childhood also lives out there and she's been highly supportive of me even asking etc.

Want2bSupermum Mon 21-Dec-15 10:58:25

You are at best naive about the cost of healthcare. You might only get sick once or twice a year but your health insurance is about 10% of your income if paying for it yourself. You are required to have health insurance so no getting around it. Oh and you want birth control? Try $120 for the appointments and up to $150 a month for the prescription if you don't have insurance. Yes you can buy illegally but that's a felony and you are jeopardizing your visa.

iamrioxo Mon 21-Dec-15 11:04:22

In terms of birth control I am currently on the coil which is a 5 year thing. If I choose to leave and do follow my plan to go and live in America then I will make sure to get another one put it so I will be covered for time until I can get that all sorted.

Again, I have a min of saving for 5 years which can easily get me at least £3k every year and half to set aside and save for. It could be 10 years down the line 7 years down the line etc. This isn't a definite plan it's just an option.

VocationalGoat Mon 21-Dec-15 11:12:56

OP I am American and it's a tough frontier.
I was a single mother there (my first husband was British. I lived her for years- I am dual thanks to my mother- met first husband, married, had son, moved back to California together, broke up, came back here with for job offer, stayed on, remarried. Just a bit of unasked for back history. grin)

First of all Maine is awesome... my favourite State as well as my native California. I spent all my summers in Maine. God's country, in every way. Beautiful! I'd raise my kids there in a heartbeat.

The thing is, as a single parent in the States, you're on your own... you will get bupkus. There are no tax credits, free healthcare, benefits of any sort. So you will be entirely dependent upon your partner to provide for you and your kids. You need a work visa and you won't have that initially. Read this: london.usembassy.gov/niv/work.html
Make sure you have enough money and a safe haven back in the UK should things not pan out.

My brothers pay between $1500-2000 per month for family health insurance (one brother has 3 kids, the other has two- one of my brothers is married to a woman with Lyme disease whose meds are not covered and she pays an extra $800 per month out of pocket to treat just the neurological damage alone... not the illness). So healthcare is a huge issue back home in the States... and you're not married so:

1) You will not be entitled to any healthcare your partner and his kids may receive through his employer. He will have to pay for your healthcare and for the healthcare of your kids should you be unable to afford this. That is a huge ask.

2)As an unmarried alien on a temporary visa, you will not have any protection. You're laying yourself and your kids wide open and putting everything in the hands of this guy in Maine.

The US is pioneer country, cowboy country... it's a place where people graft and struggle. There is no social safety net, no matter what you're told. Whatever supposed social safety nets are in place, they won't catch you or your children, should you stumble. It's a tough country. I can't emphasize that enough.

It's one thing to visit, it's another to go out there as a Brit on a work contract and live in New York for 6 months, supported and carried through the system by an employer, but you're out there on you're own with your kids and I can't tell you, it's risky.

Now here's the clincher: If you move to the States with your children, your ex must know by law. Yes, you are breaking the law by moving abroad with his children without his permission and if he wants to be a jerk about it, he can take you to court based on wrongful removal/abduction. Believe me, I was threatened with this by my ex for years. I never intended to leave the UK once we moved back, even though I was a single mother by then. But my ex successfully had a prohibitive steps order put into place. I couldn't leave the UK for two years because the court believed I would flee with our kid, even though I had a flat and a full-time job here. Anyway!! Read this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction

The father of your kids may be a pr*ck, but he has rights. I know he's not interested, etc but you have to have his permission. He must write a letter and have it notarised claiming that he is on board with your moving abroad. If he doesn't offer permission, doesn't agree, then you will have to apply to the family courts to present your case to move abroad. At this point, if I were you, I would be joining the Wikivorce forum online for more support and insight and guidance towards legal experts in that realm and chat with people who have been there, done that. Wikivorce is a great site and I used it extensively over the years when I was a single mother. I would also contact both the British and U.S. consulate for advice as to where you stand, visa wise now and in the future, should you make the move. Remember, you can only go over for 3 months. Then you will have to apply for a new visa. Read here about the Visa Waiver programme: london.usembassy.gov/niv/vwp3.html

Be prepared. Empower yourself with knowledge and know what you're doing, don't just run off to Maine... go over prepared to carve out what could be a magnificent life, a second chance at permanent happiness with someone who loves and respects you and your kids. Do it right. flowers

iamrioxo Mon 21-Dec-15 11:40:16

Thank you so much!! That is beyond helpful! Cx

VimFuego101 Mon 21-Dec-15 12:13:35

As a previous poster said - you are being ridiculously naive regarding health costs. Also, bear in mind that the laws/ legalities are not identical between the two countries are not identical - for example, an immigration official may not know what 'PR' is, simply that you haven't produced the necessary letter from the children's father giving permission. If you arrive in the US and your ex decides to make things difficult for you, you could be charged with kidnap and forced to return the children home. I wouldn't assume that 'removing PR' is sufficient in this case, and I wouldn't rely on friends advice - talk to a lawyer.

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