This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
The only one in the family with no purpose....(18 Posts)
Husband is ok - very busy at work, often away, children happy at school. I do not know if I just need a holiday but I am fed up. Starting to face the fact that language will always be a barrier (german), everything is just harder, every letter you get through the post, every conversation you need to have. Everything you need to get done.
Have studied, my german is reasonable but it is just bloody hard work.
I have no purpose to my life and I need to find that purpose. Need to come back in September with new ideas - anyone got any?
Do you play a sport? Can you set a target goal to work towards, a half marathon or a bike challenge ?
Is it possible to look towards getting a job? I know many people who work with less then perfect language skills, and their language does improve very quickly.
I agree that everything is harder but the rewards are larger too.
Yes, I run and mountain bike but I do them alone. I have a lack of direction and we are currently in the position that it is probable we stay here but by no means certain.
I guess language gets me down, maybe just because recently several things have needed mending in the house and getting stuff done is harder in a foreign language. I have the sense of wading through treacle.
Running and cycling are perfect because you can do them alone, but pick a target event to work for. In the UK I'd say look for a sportive , not sure what the German name for this is.
Can you join a running/cycling/hiking club?
Is it lack of friends or hobbies or job that is getting to you? What did you do for work previously? Are there international schools in your area where you could look for work or volunteer
Do you volunteer at german school?
Are there coffee groups, other expats in area, craft groups?
Learning a language and being an expat is not easy, as someone already pointed out it gets better if you are constantly interacting with ppl either working, volunteering or having a hobbie.
Meetup groups, facebook groups, language exchange groups, running groups, volunteering, working, training, re-training, studying (locally or distance from a UK uni), adult education (even if it's yoga, dance or painting etc).... I've done all of these over the years as an expat. And as someone who has had to live in a foreign language, the more you can get involved in the local community (volunteering for example), the easier it is to learn the language. Good luck, pick something you enjoy.
Hi Kaja I could have written your post. I know exactly how you feel.
My dh is happy at work, away a lot. Kids are happy in school, have friends. Me, well I'm at home keeping everything together. Dealing with all the daily grind, in a language I'm not that comfortable with. Simple things become very frustrating very quickly. Kind of lost my sense of direction too. Some days I think "What the hell am I doing here?"
All the doing of things ( learning the lingo, socializing, etc) to fit in are great it's the feeling that is harder to fix.
Sorry it has taken me a while to come back to this. I am trying to do a lot of the things that have been suggested. i am struggling to find voluntary work hard to believe I know but I am. Paid work is also not easy to find - you need training in everything here and part time is not so easy.
I have avoided doing a lot of stuff in english as the whole point has been to try to improve my german - but I am so far away from fluent.
As someone has said in another post (about going back to the UK) - it is that I am the one shopping, cooking, tidying up, driving children around and I am bored to tears. I am dragging myself through the days because I am just bored. So yes I can find activities but it is such an effort and things that I would easily find in the UK - e.g a DIY course - I just cannot find here.
Evening things are not really possible as husband not home from work (or is away) and weekends are family time. so for example there is an english theatre that I would like to get involved in but it is simply not a realistic thing to aim at.
I can do things on my own, running, cycling, swimming - but it is all on my own. There is a british club but they do things at such times as 2:30 in the afternoon, when I have children to collect from school.
I am sorry that I sound negative at the moment but that is how I feel.
Not thing useful to add except that I sometimes feel similar - especially about the language and work (also in Germany). I have a first anda madt masterss and QTS but I wish I had a vocational qualification recognised here instead! All I'm able to do is a few evenings a week teaching EFL/ nNachhilfe.
Is it possible to get some help, like an au pair? Then you won't have the DC's schedule dictating your own so much, and you won't be responsible for all the drudge work.
Is there any way you can divide and conquer at the weekends? Does your dh have hobbies he would like to do? My dh cycles so he will shoot off and cycle sometimes (or occasionally golf) on a Sunday morning. If I want to go for a swim by myself or a quiet hour in the shops or to meet with a friend, I can do that. We spend lots of time together at the weekends but an hour or two each doing our own thing is wonderful....
How about looking into distance learning from a UK uni? Even a diploma in something you are interested in would give you a focus. These days, distance learning isn't as isolating with skype, forums etc....
I was were you are, quite a few years ago. The only thing that I can say is that the time will come when you will re-claim yourself, and you will put your needs first, and you will be happy and the world won't come to an end.
I think the first question to start the process is "what do YOU want?", and that is you not DC's mum or DH's wife. It is easy to loose yourself when your needs become those little things on the side you manage to do in the spare hours you are not busy being mum and DW.
Totally agree TheCommander That is where I am at the moment. Trying to find out who I am, what I want. I have spent going on 20 years being a wife,then a mother, and I know I have lost sight of who I am.
Always putting the needs of my family first.
My life also revolves around the childrens school times Kaja. I am the full time parent, the constant. Dh is home a while,gone a while, so it is hard to have regular things. Do what I can,when I can.
I got divorced a few years ago, I'm still stuck in my not so new country, still with language related problems, and I am raising my child on my very own with no involvement whatsoever from his dad.
It really strikes me nowadays that I could have had this wonderful life I have today, when I was still married: My house could still be full of friends and their children as the ex was away as much as he was in, my interests could easily have been pursued if I didn't fuss so much about getting the dinner ready on time, cleaning the house and respecting bed times and other routines as if our life depended on it.
Have you tried an online course or duolingo. Sometimes it's just a case of pulling the language you know (and you probably know a lot more than you think) into sentences that you can use and just going out there and making an effort to speak, even in the supermarket or shopping.
I was going to suggest a job, but you've already pointed out the problems with this. It is still something to consider because it makes you learn and throws you in at the deep end, also seeing people everyday can combat the lonliness.
It is not easy, I can feel everything you have written because some days I wake up and think "AGAIN?" I want a break from the constant thinking and listening and trying that I have to go through! But those days are getting less and less.
How long have to been in Germany? Are you being fair on yourself?
Thank you again. I do use the language everyday in the shops etc but I am struggling to find a group that fits with my interests and time. I am getting fed up and bogged down with german and I am frankly fed up with the number of germans who will respond in english, my german is reasonable but not fluent and when I am not feeling charitable I think some of them do it just to make the point that they can speak english.
I think I am losing my interest in being here - I have focused so much on learning german that I have frankly very little else in my life (also as a family we do not socialise with other people ) - so life is very mundane and boring.
After holidays I need to find some renewed enthuasiasm for being here. Maybe after 5 yrs I have hit that point of do I want to stay here.