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Can I go home now please?

(18 Posts)
CloudWallaby Fri 04-Apr-14 22:08:17

I've posted about my situation on other thread here so sorry for repetition, but I would be really grateful for support/advice. Moved out with Australian DH last year - he left a good job in London (I was on mat leave, now on unpaid leave so still have foot in the door), I left friends and family. We didn't own a house, because DH refused to buy one in the UK as he didn't want to stay. I really didn't want to go but it was always part of the 'deal' that we would go out one day. Found it very difficult to leave family in particular a my parents are elderly and my sister is out here too. But DH was unhappy in London and promised we would have a better life out here (one of the main motivators for me is tht we could finally settle, buy a house etc). We moved to Melboune with a 2 yr old and a 3 month old, stayed in his parent's property which they are waiting to renovate (ie needs serious, serious work), I came o terms with the fact we were permanently settled and went to baby groups, made friends, generally tried really hard. I got a job a couple of months ago.
It's been nearly a year and DH still hasn't got a job, despite looking at all areas, in Sydney as well as Melbourne etc etc. We've agree to discuss the situation this w/e an decide what to do.
I think a year is more than enough time to expect to be sorted and it just hasn't worked out for us. I think we should go back to the UK (the very thought of this makes me feel so happy as I'd resigned myself to being over here for ever). I know DH will argue that we should give it more time, as once he gets a job everything will fall into place (by contrast, if we went back we'd need to find somewhere to rent, he might not get a job there either, we'd need to find new nurseries for the children etc).
Aside from the emotional arguments (which after all balance each other out - he's unhappy there, I'm unhappy here but had resigned myself to cope with it if other things had works out) what would be the sensible way forwar from here? I'm confused and don't have any friends I can talk about this with here.
Thank you.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 05-Apr-14 09:08:47

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this.

I find it amazing that people move their whole lives to another country without a firm offer of a job and regular salary. But I'm not very brave on that score. blush

If he was me I'd be staying put in the In-laws house for now and looking for work in both countries, and possibly elsewhere (are there opportunities halfway - Asia, ME for example?) but I wouldn't make another huge move without some kind of stability first.

Would your job give you enough salary for you both to live on if you came back? Would he consider being a SAHD? Are your skills transferable to Australia?

If not, and he insists on staying then I would give him a timeline before he has to widen his search and either retrain or take whatever job he can get to put money into the family.

giggly Sat 05-Apr-14 16:24:51

I really feel for you.i know you said it was part of the deal to move over here but do you mean you agreed to it forever? I have read some of your previous posts and thank god my dh and I both agree to return to the UK.
Your dh sounds like so many Ozzie men I know who are determined to be right and get their own way even if the odds are stacked against them.

I have no idea as to what to suggest I think a year is enough to be miserable, you have given up your family for his with a poorer lifestyle at this point.

Just wondering why you have to be the one who has resigned their self to be unhappy and not your dh.

FWIW I have friends in the same situation, she Ozzie he UK, she is trying her hardest to get him and dd to upsticks and come back over here but he knows he will hate it and they will be way poorer here him with no family or friends.

The fact we are heading back is a big red flag to him.

I would also give dh a time frame, another 3 months and then make plans to head back.

chloeb2002 Sat 05-Apr-14 17:09:07

What does your dh do?
Can he look outside of Melbourne?
He needs a job. But similar he may not get one in the uk.
Hard call. If he had a job and you were house hunting .. Could you see it work?
Do you just hate it in aus?
Or the situation your in?

MasterOfTheYoniverse Sun 06-Apr-14 05:27:20

What WAllybanter said.
Am i awe of those who go through such a life changing experience without the security of a job. That is an enormous strain to put on your relationship.
Is buying a house and settling in one place forever the only option or does your husband feel as strongly as you about your kids growing up with family?
I would definitively look into Asia and the middle east. Its close enough no? Good job market in a variety of industries, big UK & Ozzie communities...
The happiest Oz/NZ- UK families I know have chosen that middle ground and are VERY happy being back on an equal footing in neutral territory!
Focus on getting jobs and growing roots as your own family unit.
Sorry to be so blunt but something's gotta give both ways. The above seems like a sensible option to consider.
Unless you are prepared to stay the course and give him time to find a job without letting it eat up your relationship.

SavoyCabbage Sun 06-Apr-14 05:39:46

We are in a similar situation. My dh wants to be here and I want to be there. We both know that one of us is going to be unhappy or that we have to split up.

I'm in Melbourne too. We have a good life really but it doesn't feel like my real life. I've had to make it rather than it just evolving.

Also my career has gone down the swaney by being here. I think the fact that you could get your job back is a big factor in your situation.

My dh actually can't get back into the uk now under the new immigration laws. This is a complication I could do with out! He has a British wife and children and has lived in the uk for half his life, but didn't ever bother getting a passport!

CloudWallaby Sun 06-Apr-14 07:33:56

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, in retrospect it was a huge risk moving here without a job. We did agree before we went that we would come home if things didn't work out within a year (I even contemplated getting this in writing...) his argument is that he would not necessarily find it any easier to get a job in The UK...and we would have the problem of where to live when we got there, paying rent, childcare etc. I asked him to make contact with his old employees etc in London to see if there are any openings there...he says he can't look in 2 places at the same time. His approach is 'well I've been looking at this specific area up til now, now I will look at a different area'. It drives me mad that he has had nearly a year of full-time job hunting (before I started work I did all the childcare during the week so he could look for a job, now I work I pay for childcare so he can look for a job) and hasn't covered all the possibilities (this will be a problem in trying to look at other parts of the world, but yes, I'd be willing to move if it would improve out lot). He's looked at Sydney too but no luck. I would much rather be in the UK than here but I could cope with staying if we had a decent life and a future. What I find really upsetting is he fact that I have left family, friends and job and it seems that the children will have a worse, not a better life.

giggly Sun 06-Apr-14 17:22:50

Sorry I don't understand why your paying for childcare while your dh looks for work, is he going round companies or applying online?

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 07-Apr-14 01:21:38

He really doesn't sound as if he is applying himself properly to the job hunt. Which is extra frustrating when you don't want to be there.

I have applied and am currently interviewing for jobs in Ohio, Shanghai, Zurich, Amsterdam and Berlin. I really don't see why he has to take one area at a time.

PossumPoo Mon 07-Apr-14 14:43:39

sorry Cloud I really aren't stalking you but I couldn't read this thread and run either!

You are in a really hard place, that is one thing with being with someone who doesn't come from your country, it can mean that one of you will end up being unhappy. I met DH in Australia when he was on a working holiday, he was always very honest with me about not wanting to stay in Australia and I was always very honest with him, that I did! However I like a good adventure too so here we are in the UK and making plans to 'one day go home' smile

I think you need to have a stern chat with your DH and set out some rules. He does not need your DC to be in care while he searches for a job - are they going f/t or just a morning here and there? Also, 12 months to search for a role is a long time, he now needs to take anything. And I mean anything, including going back down the career ladder.

You sound also like you need a trip home. I went home in my first 6 months in the UK because I bloody hated it and I needed to see my family, get some sunshine and generally re-charge. That very quick trip home (about 10 days!) did the trick and I'm still here years on smile

You can't say it's upsetting that you've left family and friends though, as you are expecting him to leave his family and friends and return to the UK so you both have to work on having these people cross over the time zones with you, not easy I know but it can be done. I make time to email/chat/skype all my best friends and family so they hardly think I'm gone. yes it's not the same, but it's better than nothing.

Put your foot done Cloud and tell him you need to have a plan! And then work towards it whether it's going back to the UK or taking a different path in Australia as banking is obviously not working for him at the moment.

Savoy I've read previously about your DH not being able to get back in to the UK, are you still unable to get this sorted? I am able to apply for citizenship soon and I'm in the process of getting it sorted for your exact reason. DH and DD both have European passports and I don't...I don't want to be the only one who can't go where they can!

CloudWallaby Wed 09-Apr-14 04:20:35

Thanks all. Yes, I agree there is something wrong with his job hunting approach - he's not lazy but seems to get very caught up with why to me seem like random, unrealistic ideas, rather than just finding vacancies and applying for them (he does that too but seems to spend more time arranging coffees with people who may or may not be useful contacts). To be fair, the childcare thing is set up because at this stage we haven't given up hope that he will get a job at some point - and it's very hard to find places where we are, particularly for babies. If we gave the places up we would be stuck if he did find a job.
I completely agree that I can't moan about leaving my family and friends if I'm expecting him to do the same. But I don't think he can insist on staying somewhere where he can't find a job (of course, this may be the same in UK but personally I think his chances are better

Athrawes Wed 09-Apr-14 04:39:22

We moved to NZ from the UK because we both wanted to, so I accept that there is a difference BUT, I had a job offered and accepted and DH did not, when we came here.

The deal was that DH would have a couple of months to find the "ideal" job but that after that he would have to take whatever he could. If that meant working in a petrol station nights, or in the supermarket, or cleaning streets, he would do it. It's a pride thing - he felt he should work at something and anything was better than nothing.

Is your DH really trying? Is he putting the "ideal" above the need to provide for his family. What does he DO all day? Is it frankly too comfy living with Mum and Dad and not having any sense of urgency?

Take the kids back to the UK for a holiday without him. See how you feel about the UK in the rain without your DH and let him see what life is like without you. Ultimately that might be what happens - he either picks up his game and pride and starts acting like a man and takes a job anywhere - or you leave him.

oohdaddypig Wed 09-Apr-14 05:19:12

I read this and immediately thought what athrawes said....

CloudWallaby Wed 09-Apr-14 06:04:33

But I can't just take the children and go. As I understand it, if I did that without his permission I would be kidnapping them and they would be taken back to Australia. If he even thinks I would do this he could stop me ever going back to the UK with them, even for a holiday, and then I would be stuck here for the rest of my life. That's why I need to keep the relationship going. Or am I wrong?

SavoyCabbage Wed 09-Apr-14 08:31:39

Would he try and stop you though?

I just went home at Christmas and I didn't know if I was coming back here or not as we were waiting for an appeal result for dh's visa.

I took the dc's birth certificates and a letter from my dh saying he knew I was coming to the UK. The dc were traveling on Australian passports and I was on my British passport which adds a further layer of complication.

My dds know what to say at passport control. "Daddy is not coming because he's at work" etc. "We are going to stay with Grandma". Rather than "Daddy is not allowed in. We might stay here FOREVER" Which is equally true.

If you think you are going to be stuck here I would go. I

t's all about where you are 'settled', the law preventing you from taking them back. You haven't even been here a year then you could argue that they are not settled. You don't have a house here etc.

I have a friend who had an affair when she got here and she lost custody of her dc because her dh was working and she wasn't. She is truly up the creek as she can't go home.

PossumPoo Wed 09-Apr-14 09:30:21

The longer you stay in Australia the harder it will be to get your DCs out if it comes to that. You are slowly getting 'settled' even if in your mind you're not. The courts will see that well you stayed for 3 years, that's time to put down roots, and that the DC are 'settled' also in Australia.

I tell my DH all the time that if we split up i would be taking DD home. She has an Australian and Irish passport and is not a UK citizen, however, we have been here for years so I fear that we are as settled as they come!

Very honestly here - your DH looks as though he has no intention of returning to the UK, whether it's the best thing for you to do as a family or not.

Is there any reason for you to return to the UK, i.e. sick parents, sibling that needs you, your role needs you to come back and finish up something - anything that gives you a valid reason to return to the UK? I would be looking for that and telling your DH you'll need to return with the DC and he can stay and continue to look for work if that's what he wants?

SavoyCabbage Wed 09-Apr-14 09:59:03

That's what I think Possum.

giggly Wed 09-Apr-14 18:16:40

Cloud, I should add that we had a similar deal, I had the job lined up working shifts full time neither of which I had done for years prior to dc. Dh was "supposed" to look for work and I would drop to p/t so that I could spend time with the dc, not lessangry
So here we are 20 months in no work for dh and me still working f/t. I am so sad that I have missed dd2 last year before school.

So for me it's fuck it, the dc and I are heading back home with no doubt dh with his tail between his legs. Why be miserable in another country with no family support.

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