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Want to go home, husband doesn't

(20 Posts)
ConfusedMumDotCom Fri 07-Feb-14 05:37:59

That's about it really.

We've been in America since May last year, moving here with our toddler and new born. DH LOVES it here and would stay forever. I miss London terribly. I'm coming to the end of my mat leave and need to make a decision about what to do next. If I had my way I'd pack up the kids and head home, but I can't be the one to split up the family. I'm unable to have a sensible conversation with DH. He won't put a time frame on how long we will stay here and tells me if I'm miserable I should just go. I miss my job, my home, my family and most of all I miss the person I was in London.

I'm just fed up with not having any control of what's going on or a plan to fix this. I think I'm just going to have to go home and hope he follows.

NancyinCali Fri 07-Feb-14 06:13:07

So sorry you're feeling this way and you're not getting support from your DH.
What did you agree before you moved? We always said we'd give it 2 years and then decide. I was pro moving home at that point but said we could do another year (length of our visa) but I've changed my mind (ask me again when dc2 arrives in July) and we're planning to apply for green cards to give us some flexibility and to stay longer.
But if I'd been adamant about moving home we absolutely would have as we agreed if one of us wanted to go home after the initial two years we would.

What's making you so unhappy? Anything that can be fixed?

Do you have a support network of friends in the US? I joined meetup.com and even started my own group to meet fellow Brits. I also met loads of American moms when dd1 was born and we're now all having second kids.

Can you work here?

Sorry this is so rambling. On my phone and about to go to bed. I'll check back tomorrow but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

ConfusedMumDotCom Fri 07-Feb-14 06:32:39

Thank you for your response. I joined meetup.com and have made some good friends. Where we live is lovely and the quality of life is good and has great potential for the kids. It's just not home. If it was horrible it would be easy. It's not and that what makes it so hard. DH said we'd stay for the length of his visa, 3yrs. But his work want to sponsor him for a green card and if they do that I can see him putting off the return. I always said I'd do 2 years, though I don't think he'll believe I would just go when the time is up. He is very frustrating as he won't discuss it with me other than to give a knee jerk reaction such as "well, just fly back tomorrow then, I have to stay until 2016". But then I speak with my friends who tell me that DH told their husbands that we will all go back in 2015.

NancyinCali Fri 07-Feb-14 22:20:54

That's so hard for you that he won't talk to you properly about it. We actually talked about it some more today and we're both on the same page about staying longer with the caveat that we may feel different once we have a newborn. For some reason something has suddenly clicked for me and this feels like home. I think there is something about that 2 year mark that makes it feel more like home. 6 months ago, I was certain about going home.

Have you had any trips back to London since moving here? For me, that was always a sign that I wasn't ready to move back as I was so desperate to get back to California.

I think it's easy for the DHs to underestimate how hard it is when you're with the kids all day while they're at work. They also don't seem (generalizing here) to need the same support networks as we do.

chloeb2002 Sat 08-Feb-14 21:23:55

Very hard :hmm
I do think just after having a bub is about the most rubbish time of being a first generation migrant. ( expat).
Recently things have been tight for us.. Our own doing and I even went sod it let's go back to the uk. It was dh who said ... Sensibly.. No.. Let's write a list.. Pros and cons. The pro side was huge. Really the cobs were that we both miss either friends and family.. But in reality I think we both know its rose coloured glasses.
You say the end if your mat leave.. Can u get back to work?
Every time I have found work a good anchor.. Reminder... Great time to compare.
I have do doubt if we went back to the uk I would quickly go ...no I want to go " home" thanks! I did several years ago when I went back! Once the initial.. Meeting everyone was done. Then it was just the same " grey" I was chasing people to meet up... Finding it expensive..
It must always be hard to see a move as for 2/3 years and have a life sitting waiting. How old are dc. Are they going to be happier in the UK? Or do
They gain more by being in us? Our kids are defiantly little Aussies. They would I'm sure enjoy a trip to the uk.. But would sick. Be restricted by the cost of stuff they enjoy.. Sports..parks.. Private school!
Sometimes when it's tough I remind myself this is for them, admittedly.. It's not often tough wink
Maybe a trip back to the uk?

ConfusedMumDotCom Sun 09-Feb-14 01:46:12

We are on the west coast of the US and the 8hr time difference between us and London is a killer.

DD is 3 and DS is 11 months. We moved when DS was 9 weeks old. It's hard as this move was very much for DH's career progression. He had no roots other than us in London. I have lived there since I was 3, my parents and sister just a short walk away. DD was settled in a great nursery and we were living in what I thought was my forever home, 20 mins from my office. I loved my job and it was a huge part of my identity. I'm due back at work soon, though they know in in the US and have offered me a consultancy position but with no guarantee of any work from them, so I'll have to find my own clients - this is actually a pretty good deal as they could have just cut me off.

DH is pushing me to apply for jobs here, which I'm doing halfheartedly as I only want my London job. I also don't want to be on a US contract as we will not have any holiday in which to visit London.

We had a good chat last night, but nothing was resolved. He wants to stay, but will support me if I want I go back. If I went back to my old job I could support myself and the kids financially, I just want DH to come too and he won't commit to any timeframe for his return, if at all. Apparently we had agreed to review after a year - pregnancy hormones/new baby must have wiped that memory. So I guess I'll apply for prenatal leave and then take a view in May - though I'm not sure what will have changed by then.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 09-Feb-14 01:56:04

By all means apply for a job but negotiate leave. I am in Canada and couldn't live with the 2 weeks vacation they were offering. They agreed three weeks and I can accumulate TOIL as well.

It is VERY hard. I didn't want to be here and DH does so I have sucked it up. It is a much better standard of living for DD and very safe. I miss London terribly. I am West Coast too, just further north!

rushingrachel Tue 11-Feb-14 17:03:03

I feel for you. I am only in Brussels, came here 8 years ago for DH job and I ALWAYS said to him I didn't want to be here forever. But 8 years later we are still here. Grrrr. And my DH is one of the kind that you can't talk to about it too. His warfare is silent. Every time I have had an emotional outburst about going back he has sat tight, waited for the Rachel storm clouds to pass and then I've felt bad for shouting and the "going back" issue has been shelved for another 6 months.

I have just recently managed to get him to agree to going back because I decided the only way I was going to get out was to apply for a job, find a house, put a package together and them demand he tell me if he would support me or not. It has been extreme and unpleasant and I have had to actually force him.

Sounds like your DH is similar and you won't get away unless you have the strength to insist or go on your own. Your DH being so far away would be very difficult and only you can weigh up whether eventually you leaving could work or would break you up. It's very difficult once you have followed a spouse to undo the geographical power they have over you. I can only say that as the years have gone by my DH has got more and more senior in his job, the kids have gone to school and it has got progressively harder and harder to argue to move them.

I wish I had insisted we go years ago.

And actually I like a lot about Brussels. It's just inately not where I want to live.

That's a lot of rambling to say don't give in if you have the strength not to!

Good luck.

FrequentFlier Wed 12-Feb-14 12:07:31

Confused mom, pl don't make any hasty decisions while you have a newborn. I am now in a long distance marriage and regret it deeply. My thread here. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/living_overseas/1982176-In-a-long-distance-marriage-cannot-take-it-any-more-but-have-to

It will be even tougher for you with such young kids away from your husband. I understand your loneliness; but as others said, being lonely is part of having a young baby and it will get better soon. I too found the loss of my job very isolating. I changed careers as a result of being an expat and now feel more grounded. Can you try that? or other options?Do consider the consultancy option.

rushingrachel Wed 12-Feb-14 20:27:37

Hi FrequentFlier. I read your thread and really felt for you and admire your resilience remaining committed to your DH despite distance. Knew I was rambling when posted here, just wanted to caution that deferring isn't always a good option in my experience. I've deferred so often and feel I have wasted years feeling bitter with DH. But wasn't exalting leaving with a newborn. Can't imagine how hard that would be.

SmashleyHop Wed 12-Feb-14 20:40:27

Being an expat is really hard- I'm opposite you, from California originally and now live here in England with our 3 kids. I know tons of expats who feel exactly like you feel. It's completely normal. I'm on a American women in the UK facebook group and the support has been amazing. Just speaking with people going through what you are and missing the same things you are makes you feel less alone. There are times I miss sunny California- wide straight roads, ample free parking, all the conveniences cough Lazy cough I used to have. Then I remember California is burning to the ground and my kids aren't being shot at... so there's that.
I think the difficult thing for you is the lack of understanding and support from your husband. Especially if you had an end in sight and he wants to take that away. All I can say is keep talking to him. The states wouldn't be that great without his family there with him I guarantee.

NatashaBee Wed 12-Feb-14 20:50:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmericasTorturedBrow Wed 12-Feb-14 23:47:00

I understand even though I'm not ready to go home yet - we've been in CA for nearly two years now and I do feel settled but I'm in a total limbo because I still don't have my green card as promised (it's in process but it took forever for DH's work to start that process) which is making me feel like I don't have roots here while DH is happy at work, DS is happy at preschool and about to start elementary in August, and DD has been here since she was 2months so doesn't know any different. The only major things making me not want to go home is the weather but if I don't manage to find work once I'm legally allowed to, we will have some difficult conversations coming up.

I know currently DH would be happy to never move

Just keep talking, keep setting dates for the conversation to happen again. And if you're anywhere near LA pm me!

ConfusedMumDotCom Fri 14-Feb-14 00:37:01

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a bit more positive about life today - probably because I have a job interview tomorrow. I would still rather be going back to London, but a job until I do return next year would be great.

HerRoyalNotness Fri 14-Feb-14 00:51:39

Good luck with the interview! And yes do negotiate on the holidays, I asked for an extra week so get 3 weeks plus 1 week paid time off, and 2 weeks sick!! I was surprised actually, after all the 2 week holiday stories I've heard. I started work 3 weeks ago and am feeling a lot better about being in the US, after 6mths of not working.

NancyinCali Fri 14-Feb-14 03:28:15

Good luck at the interview! smile

kickassangel Fri 14-Feb-14 03:46:49

I'm another trailing spouse (actually just checked into a hotel for a conference where I'm giving a short presentation on this topic)

I really hated the first couple of years - got horribly badly depressed, could barely leave the house kind of hated it. I didn't even want to go back to the UK, I just am not a SAHM mum type and I couldn't work so it killed me.

Once we got green cards & I got a job it totally changed my perspective. There are still times I get homesick, and it is a stronger feeling than just run-of-the-mill nostalgia for when I was young. But almost as soon as I got a job I felt so much happier. Even though I do miss my family, although I was never so close to them as you were, I find that after about 10 days in the UK I want to come back 'home' and miss so much about my life here. One of the worst bits about international travelling is that you can end up never really feeling at home anywhere, and always missing part of where you used to be.

Good luck for the job interview - it may help you to clarify your feelings even if you don't get it.

Romann Fri 14-Feb-14 04:11:56

It's all about work isn't it? We've moved every 3 or 4 years since we were together (5th country now) and every time I've landed without a job I've got horribly miserable, which also makes it more difficult to find a job. It's always been great once I got settled in with my own professional identity. Best of luck with your interview, and do stick with the applications until you get something if this one doesn't work out.

Your DH's attitude sounds like a worry though. He should be talking to you anyway, but especially if you are unhappy. And what's with saying one thing to you and another to his friends?? It seems very selfish.

TheZeeTeam Fri 14-Feb-14 04:22:11

Are you near Los Gatos or Palo Alto? If so, pm me.

trulymadlydeeply Fri 14-Feb-14 04:36:18

I've read this thread with interest and I can identify with so much of what people say. I've been an expat for 10 years in 2 different countries and at first I was a zealot about living abroad.
Since my dad died nearly 2 years ago, I've felt much more of a yearning to return, but I wonder how much of that is because my mum is alone because both my siblings also live abroad. There is a lot I miss - walking in the countryside and the culture and life in London to some extent, but much of that is rose-tinted's because those things are impossible where I live.
If my oldest DS goes back to the UK to study in September, that may fundamentally change things, however, and I know my DH would never willingly return to England.
My DSis lives in LA and she is about to return to England after 3 years there. She has found the not working the hardest thing of all, and is looking forward to going back to London.
The comment that most resonates with me, is that once you've lived abroad, even for a short time, you never really know where home is any more ...
Good luck with your job interview - I'm sure it will make a difference.

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