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Feel dumped by friends as leaving. Trying not to feel hurt

(46 Posts)
SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 06:05:36

Returning soon and been on the cards for a while. Mainly fairweather/circumstantial friends here but had trusted a couple and thought was closer. But phone's stopped ringing, mails unanswered. hmm feel a saddo and rather than stewing in a pity party, should be planning like mad as tons to do. Pah! Trying not to feel bitter, friendless and full of regret. Nor hanging on the tailcoats of others. Anyone?

Shnickyshnackers Sun 02-Feb-14 06:13:12

aw, sounds quite rubbish. Where are you? how long have you been there?

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 06:22:54

In southern hemisphere, about 2 years. Thanks for asking! Feel I've failed in some way for not scoring proper friends in that time! Initially a social whirl, great fun, mainly around dd's sch. But stuff happened with dh & i and i rather lost my mojo and withdrew somewhat, felt had overshared and relied on wrong people too much. Now feel not s shred of real confidence left though am much tougher underneath.

Ridiculous, am not ugly/stupid/poor/horrible... Not that there's anything wrong with those apart from the latter..i should be more kickass and play the game like everyone else! Or maybe just burnt here and NEED to go home.

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 02-Feb-14 06:31:02

Sorry about that. I live in southern hemisphere too. New Zealand to be precise.

I tend to keep people at arm's length, it's just the way I am. It doesn't take much for me to feel that someone is in my face.

Sorry that the few friends and acquaintances you made have now gone. We've lived in NZ for 3 years. I'm not bothered about having no friends here. I've got acquaintances that I only ever see when I'm doing voluntary work or paid employment. Suits me.

brighteyedcinders Sun 02-Feb-14 06:32:10

look forward to your move

i have been dumped by a good friend and she only moved across town

some people are odd

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 06:37:18

I know, you're both right. People are odd. Feel I've invested too much and they're "whatever" and that reflects on me and my worth as a friend. Overanalyzing and over caring, right?!

Couldn't live somewhere where I felt only acquaintances but i guess that might be a practical approach as an expat. You must be very resilient and self-contained.

DolomitesDonkey Sun 02-Feb-14 07:38:04

That's the thing though isn't it, it is by its very nature a transient population.

I've been away 20 years and have put far less "effort" in the last 12 (?) because I eventually realised that those who were "emotionally incontinent" wink were the ones who were professional expats.

I've made a handful of genuinely good friends in this game - but they are with the exception of just one - based on friendships formed through mutual hobbies and the women themselves "still waters running deep".

It's nothing you've done wrong! smile

Good luck with your move - I'm going home next week and bricking it. wink

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 07:55:15

Thanks and good luck with your move!
Intrigued by your "emotionally
incontinent" comment. How do you mean? The true professionals I've come across have seemed the opposite tho surface sharers to faux bond.

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 07:57:02

Also meant to say a couple of said friends are locals so not transient tho guess they always viewed ME as such.

Feeling better, thanks! Also just booked family w/e away which helps!

RnB Sun 02-Feb-14 08:03:55

Honestly,what is wrong with some people! I feel for you OP

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 08:04:45

Thanks, R. Yep, am feeing people can be quite callous!

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 02-Feb-14 08:50:15

I made the acquaintance of another expat in this town. We had nothing in common, she was a few years older than me and is a mother. I couldn't quite get to grips with her or her situation. We'd meet for coffee but IMO, it just highlighted the fact that we had nothing in common and struggled for conversation. We fell out/fell apart after about a year. So, as I already knew, coming from the same country means nothing if you have nothing in common. Friendships are organic.

She says she emigrated with her husband for their children. Neither child, now adult, is in employment for one reason or another be it either anxiety or lack of motivation.

When we go back home, I'm expecting nothing but nosey curiosity from the neighbours when they see the, 'For Sale' sign go up outside our house.

As I've only acquaintances rather than friends here there's going to be no one to miss us except for, 'oh right' from anyone who remembers us.

My voluntary work (as finding paid employment is like pulling teeth in this town. Whole other story. Don't go there.) will just be disappointed. I mean a good --mug who'll work for nothing-, volunteer is hard to find.

GhettoPrincess001 Sun 02-Feb-14 08:53:09

Emotionally incontinent. You don't have to go overseas to find them. People who just gush, gush, gush emotionally.

AngelinaCongleton Sun 02-Feb-14 08:57:08

We are moving across town here and we've been dumped by a few. Fair enough, but it's the leaving my dd out already that I find hard to take. I suppose in any era of your life you are lucky if you take one true friend with you forever. I guess everyone else is a friend or acquaintance of the time.

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 09:33:29

I guess i have to see it like that, be pragmatic. Think I'm too naive, expect too much and give too much. Shall take a step back.

scottswede Sun 02-Feb-14 10:45:03

I have been living in a small village for 4 years now. I have no friends. I get together with 3 other foreigners now and again, ONLY for the children to play together.I have nothing in common with these women, other than being foreign and having children.
The local mums have made it perfectly clear that they are not interested. So I am now Norma-No-Mates.
Didn't see this coming when we made the move here and it saddens me. The only thing that holds me together is knowing that we are moving.
Making friends as you get older AND moving around is so hard.

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 10:48:16

True, it gets harder but agree there are those better at playing the game
Somehow. Lonely, isnt it? Feel
Surrounded by people with tons of friends & family!

fatandlonely Sun 02-Feb-14 12:08:37

I know where you are coming from- I am in Asia, have been an expat for 10 years.

I tried really hard when i got here, and made what I consider to be good friends, but in reality they were people I happened to chat with because we had kids in the same school.
After I had been here about six years, I kind of stopped making the effort. People were moving on and new people arriving and I just didn't make the effort to go to newcomers events at school any more and I let my membership of expat clubs lapse.
I joined an organisation which I was interested in, and met all sort of people, expat and local. I still don't work, but have a support and development role within that organisation and I love it. (despite my username!)
It gets me out of that expat bubble

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 12:16:34

Glad you found your niche, you really
Should change yr name smile

I wonder how widespread this is, do most expats find their place or not?

fatandlonely Sun 02-Feb-14 12:38:07

I think it depends on your personality and you family dynamic.
Some people who enjoy being serial expat (2 years here, 3 years there) I think are very self-sufficient in their own family units and don't need extended family and long term friends. (this what it look slike from the outside anyway)
I'm not like that, I obviously love my kids, but my marriage has its ups and downs, and being away from home, the downs seem so much worse. I miss my family in the UK dreadfully (Thank god for Skype and FB)

SouthernHippyChick Sun 02-Feb-14 13:17:19

I know what you mean- don't need or even don't have them. Often the push to be expat in first place, I think.

DolomitesDonkey Mon 03-Feb-14 05:35:22

Hiya, sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. What I meant by "verbally incontinent" is that I found those who were mega-friendly and suggesting all sorts usually ended up being those who were seasoned expats (often military), so used to moving on every 12 months. So they say yes to every invitation, tell you all about themselves on the first meet because it's simply their coping mechanism - ie make the most of it!

It IS hard being an expat, the last person I really clicked with - her husband chose to go home 2 years early. sad for context, I met her out dog-walking when I heard her youngest speaking english - I probably would never have met her at a "group".

Uptheanty Mon 03-Feb-14 06:27:27

Expat life is very difficult if you are a genuine person hoping to connect with others in a real way.

There are several types in my experience that stand out.

The long term expat who has been in the same location 5 years plus. This ones usually power pissed. Heavily involved in all school activities and incredibly helpful at first. Our alpha mum is the most obnoxious & disgraceful human being. Unfortunately by the time the newbies find this out they are in too deep. She gets away with this behavior because noone is here long enough to implement change.

There are also the people who are only around for 2-3 years tops -- regardless of what they tell you-- these people will be your best friend but drop you in a heart beat when they are leaving once you have served your purpose.

Just because your dc like each other this shouldn't be confused with you being friends.

After spending 10 years moving I can sincerely say that the behaviors are the same everywhere.

SouthernHippyChick Mon 03-Feb-14 06:29:25

Ah yes, know what you mean now! Quite disarming, isn't it? Not military types here, so 'professionals' I've noted who seem to have it sussed are polite, warm yet a little distant and retreat en famille at weekends. Not the Waltons here, exactly, so not quite an option.

Uptheanty Mon 03-Feb-14 06:35:31

We're not military - all professionals" here but in a way that's partly it...

Take a bunch of hugely successful & ambitious people and throw them together...

It puts school gate shit on a whole new level.

The only way I have found to manage is to make friends away from the school and try to carve an independent life for myself.

One thing I know for sure... Some expats are NOT what they present. Sorry you've had your feelings hurt, but it's truly not a reflection of you thanks

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