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did your husband take an interest in which school your chidren went to?

(19 Posts)
bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 12:40:45

I have asked this in living overseas, though this is ot unique to expats. But we are stereotypical expats, dada is working full time, he does work long hours and I am not working, though I would like to in a couple of yrs.

Though are eldest is only 5 and my husband would say, how important can it be which school she goes to, nevertheless there are choices to be made, local school, international, bilingual etc.

My husband has shown no interest at all, not come to any of the open days/evenings (when either one of us could have attended at the weekend), not to my knowledge looked at any of the websites, shows no interest when I have spoken about it. The decision is entirely mine.

His mother was an expat and did not work. I don't know how much interest. his father took in schooling.

We had a school entrance test this morning, no text or email from him asking how it went.

I appreciate that he works long hours and has a lot on his plate but i feel the whole strain of parenting two children under five falls to me. And I know as the non - working spouse then all of the practicalities, dentist appt etc will fall to me. However, I feel he does not think about his parenting at all, so when they are misbehaving, how we handle it, etc. I have parenting books and he would never pick one up and have a look, it is all natural and what is their to learn.

bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 12:45:25

sorry, appalling spelling, he would say "i have been a parent for 5 yrs, what is there to learn?"

southnorwoodmum Fri 22-Feb-13 12:49:18

We are not expats, we both work full-time, but I am the one making all decisions for DC. But it is better for me to make a fully informed choice on my own, rather than a half-informed choice imposed by DH as he would never be that thorough in judging all pros and cons.
In short, I excluded my DH from the schooling decision as soon as he said "let's chose this particular one because it is on our way to work".

JoandMax Fri 22-Feb-13 12:50:54

I'm not an expat quite yet (we've moving at Easter, DH started a month ago) but DH does take an interest in schools and which would suit our DCs the best. He's gone to look at lots of schools and has done the applications for DS1 whilst he's been working.... Although I deal with the day to day stuff the big decisions, which what school is best is, we discuss and make together.

bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 12:51:18

you have to laugh don't you?

what is he like then with the rest of parenting?

bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 12:51:59

meant to ask southnorwoodmum smile

bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 14:17:53

On a serious note, I appreciate the point that it means you make the decision alone but I would prefer it if I had someone to talk it over with and who should be more interested than their father? Even his dad made reference to why my husband was not involved, which annoyed my husband to hear.

I met a woman a while back who had not worked for 10 yrs or so, three children later, having given up a job she enjoyed and she was very bitter that her husband disdained her concerns and "job problems" i.e. children. I do not want to get to that stage.

I needed to renew my daughter's passport recently and my countersignatory had not filled out the full name for our daughter on the photo. My husband said god why do you worry about stuff like that, no one will give a to88, but I see it that if they reject the form because of a petty thing on the form you did not do correctly then it just adds hassle.

A difference in approach maybe. But also I need to leave more stuff to him and if it gets fu88ed up then so be it.

hattymattie Fri 22-Feb-13 14:29:56

I talk it over with DH and then tell him what I'm doing. He's more or less always gone along with decisions about schools. As it's me who does all the research I even feel a little bit resentful if he expresses an opinion other then the one I would like him to grin. He would avoid the school issue totally if he could although occasionally I do drag him to parent evenings etc. The upside of this lack of interest as I said is that I get to choose the school. I do know families where this causes huge rows.

bring8sunshine Fri 22-Feb-13 14:46:56

Yes and clearly if you have two strong willed people it would be a problem. I guess I resent his belittling things I am concerned about. I don't have a lot else going on in my life (hence once the children are in school I will hopefully have more time) and so my concerns are to do with the children, them squabbling or playing up or me handling something badly and I would like someone to talk it over with and I don't have that. Hence venting it here smile.

southnorwoodmum Fri 22-Feb-13 20:26:24

bring8sunshine no I am not have a laugh. I am completely serious! There are things where I pull my weight and other things where DH pulls his weight... I must confess that any house decisions equals schooling decisions in our household, again I get to choose what I think is the best. Of course I inform him all along and would compromise if he had a strong opinion, but he has never had one so far.

Bonsoir Sat 23-Feb-13 20:25:45

I do all the research and strategising and do a presentation smile of my findings to DP. He is much hotter on the day-to-day execution.

MaeMobley Sat 23-Feb-13 20:55:26

I really wish my DH took an interest or at least had an opinion. I worry about schools a lot.

ripsishere Mon 25-Feb-13 00:53:55

We are in a different situation. My DH is a teacher so DD always goes to his schools. There were two where it wasn't the right choice...
Other things, housing, food, entertainment etc are always (or at least almost always) my choice. DH is happy to go along with it.
He won't go to open evenings/ parent teacher conferences etc. For some reason he has an aversion to them. He is very interested in DDs school life and the work she is doing, but won't meet her teachers.
I suppose because he sees them every day at work.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Mon 25-Feb-13 12:56:40

Similar to Bonsoir. The final decision is joint but I did more to get us into the position of having the illusion of choice

To be honest, the thing to consider in HK is not so much "Which school would I like my child to go to?" as "Which school does my kid stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting into assuming I dont have the odd £250k (per child) to drop on a debenture" grin

Thank fuck homeschooling is illegal so I dont even have to entertain it.

Bonsoir Mon 25-Feb-13 13:46:36

RichMan - does your DH value (realise?) how much work it is to get to a point where you have all the info, have digested it and worked out a best-case scenario?

Or does he just presume the analysis and synthesis fell into your lap as you gazed out of the window?

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Tue 26-Feb-13 10:05:59

Bonsoir I'm quite lucky in that HK schools are very transparent about fees/ admissions etc so it's not too arduous. The main problem is figuring out the different systems (international IB, international country specific, private local, direct subsidy english language etc) and I seemed to have absorbed most of that by osmosis, talking to my friends with older kids

chloeb2002 Wed 27-Feb-13 04:13:03

In our house.. and currently we are changing schools.. It is my job to research and do the leg work.. Dh is interested but works long hours and travels allot. I bounce my concerns, suggestions etc off him.. funnily enough he must talk to colleges as he came home saying so and so had said x y and z about one school.. So I do the work and I guess ultimately make the decisions. We have a special needs child so that complicates most school choices. Traditional family, that's all he works allot, I work a bit and run the home.

ifink Wed 27-Feb-13 04:30:27

No he took no interest at all until I told him we were breaking the lease on our rental and moving into a different school zone wink....... he promises to take more interest in future! My DH similarly does long hours and lots of travel - with that we move alot as a family. Now our eldest has started school I've told him in no uncertain terms that if we find ourselves going to a new country where schools/lack of places etc is a real problem then I'm not moving anywhere until the school place is sorted and/or his company provides proper educational relocation assistance (whether that be money or consultancy etc) Surprisingly he agreed it's a sensible point to discuss in package negotiation etc

LadybirdsAreFab Wed 27-Feb-13 04:50:37

My Dh is totally opposite, I shortlisted the schools and when we went to see them, he asked so many questions. I was actually concerned they would not accept our DD as he would be perceived as a pushy parent. Fortunately she got into our first choice school. He has also lined up another school for the following year just in case she doesn't settle or it doesn't suit her. Good schools here are difficut to get into so you have to plan years in advance.

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