I?d really appreciate peoples thoughts on my situation - I do really want to move back to the UK, but just thought it might be useful to get some thoughts from those who are already living in Oz or who have been through anything similar. I know this is long (sorry!) but didn?t want to drip-feed information.
I?m currently married with a 1 year old to an Aussie. The marriage has deteriorated significantly although we are still officially together. We are currently living overseas (would prefer not to say where, but it?s a hague convention country) and our plan has always been to live in AustraliaI don?t know anyone in Australia. Its always been DH?s dream to end up in Australia and I know that he would be gutted if we didn?t go there.
I have consulted lawyers and it seems that due to the Hague Convention I cannot move DC out of current country (or OZ if we were to move there) without DH?s permission, otherwise it amounts to child abduction. In the current country, I can do whats called a relocation action which is basically a legal way around the Hague convention to allow me and my DC to return to the UK without DH?s permission. I?m told by my lawyers that I would almost certainly win the relocation action.
Staying in the current country is not an option. We only have temporary visas and neither of us likes it here, nor do we think it is a good place to bring up our child.
I do believe that I would be a lot happier in the UK with our child. I have lots of friends in the Uk and family there too. Sometimes my relationship with my parents has been very difficult, but they are great in looking after DC and would be delighted to be able to help out. When I went to the UK earlier this year, I really felt like a different person ? so much happier and I think DC was happier too. I have found it difficult settling in and making friends in the current country and I worry that I would have the same problems / feelings if I were to move to Australia, especially since there is a good chance that I would no longer be with DH, and also if I ended up having to work full time that could make it difficult finding time to make new friends.
If we did separate in Australia (which I think is the likely outcome; indeed DH may well be just playing along to get me into Oz), then DH would be in a financial position to give me a very good settlement, but equally he may well try and get away with paying me very little. I suspect, however, that he would probably give me an ok, but not great settlement, although if it meant moving to Oz or not, I could probably get him to give me a very good settlement. Also, I should probably be able to get a reasonable job in Australia (as I would in the UK).
In terms of practical help in Oz, we would probably only get very limited help (if that) from his family but we could if need be probably stretch to a nanny (at least temporarily, which we would probably need to at least whilst our DC is waiting for a nursery place). I don?t expect DH to be massively helpful with the childcare ? whilst I?m sure he would want to take his turn in looking after DC I could easily seem him being very unflexible about it ? i.e. when it suits him and i would probably remain the primary carer.
There is also a possible visa issue in getting me into Oz if we are no longer in a relationship ? I?ve consulted an immigration lawyer about this, but don?t propose going into it here.
If I move back to the UK, its going to really upset DH (and he will be absolutely livid) and I?m not sure if he would ever forgive me for doing that and I hate the thought of upsetting him (and I guess I?m a bit scared of his reaction too). However, he has broken significant promises to me in the past as well, and at times he has not been a great husband (often very abrupt and emotionally distant, barely talks to me, doesn?t seem to want to spend any time with me etc.) I don?t think he is capable of changing and I feel quite emotionally detached from him now. I also have some suspicions that he has had a brief fling (if anything did happen, i'm fairly certain its finished).
Obviously I need to consider what is in the best interests of my child and so I am trying to imagine what my life would be like in Oz versus the UK, and ditto for DH and DC. My feeling is that its got to be the UK but I would love to know everyone?s thoughts. I need to make a decision in the next month or two. Thanks so much!
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Living overseas
Go to Oz in failing marriage, or move back to the UK?
namechanged99 · 01/10/2012 10:50
I'll give you my biased opinion. I hate it here in Oz, as don't have anyone. I'm lonely, and been here a year. Would love to come home, and leave dh to it. But, don't think it's possible. We are on 457visa's, which are really weird, as if dh lost his job, they'd quite happily throw us out 
Are you already in Oz? It could be tricky to do a moonlight flit if you're already there.
If you're not happy I wouldn't move to Oz, as it would be tricky. I would love to go back home to the Uk where I have a support network of family and friends. And I'm not one for not trying. I'm really friendly to everyone, and have joined several groups, but not actually made any friends. It is all very sad.
If you don't want to go, don't go, and dig your heels in.
Good Luck!
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I think you would be mad. You would be stuck here forever if you split up. And you don't even want to-not that I did either.
I base this on what happened to someone I know. She and her dh are both English and their children were both born in England. She has lost total custody of her children. In fairness, she is a total fool She had an affair and left her husband. But she has no money so she lost custody. She sees them once a fortnight. They came in on her visa and she had a good job in the UK but they couldn't find affordable childcare when they got here and he got a job first so she stayed at home.
The Australian courts act in the best interests of the child (and all Australians think people are better off here than anywhere in the world 
) and so would 'award' your ds to your dh, who would have a home and a job. They would not see it in his best interests to go back to the UK and move in with your mother or similar.
It's REALLY hard work living so far away from everyone who loves you. I have said rthis many times on MN but the worst day I had here was when my dd1 got new school shoes and she had nobody to show them to.
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